The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Mexico City

  • Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

    Montezuma Attacks Mexico City After Learning What ‘Montezuma’s Revenge’ Means

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    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY, Mexico – The recently resurrected Aztec ruler, Montezuma, randomly attacked many skyscrapers in downtown Mexico City today after apparently learning what “Montezuma’s Revenge” means today.

    Riding Quetzalcoatl, Montezuma whipped the giant feathered serpent’s tail around a dozen skyscrapers, smashing windows and injuring hundreds.  This time, he gave no speeches.  He just lashed out at random buildings for a half hour as the local police tried to take him down.

    Mexican superhero, El Toro, flew into the battle and was having little effect on Quetzalcoatl.  The serpent slashed off one of the wings of El Toro’s plane, causing him to make an emergency landing on top of a nearby building.  He survived and used his grappling hooks to get to a rooftop.

    By then, Montezuma was standing on top of skyscraper, waiting for El Toro.  According to the superhero, Montezuma said, “You want my revenge?  Here it is.”  Then he dropped his loincloth and defecated onto the rooftop.  Montezuma made an offensive gesture to El Toro, presumably another thing he’s learned recently, climbed back on top of Quetzalcoatl, and teleported away.

    All in all, no one was seriously injured in the attack, and Montezuma didn’t take anyone hostage or make any demands.  El Toro reportedly took a sample of Montezuma’s feces for analysis in hopes of being able to track him.

    He left the rest of the feces for the police to clean up.

  • Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

    Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

    montezumaweb
    Phone picture

    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY – The late Aztec ruler, Montezuma, has returned from the dead, riding the giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, and immediately began attacking the citizens of Mexico City at random.

    How he came back to life is still unclear, but his wrath was not.  Montezuma was aware of the last 400 years and the ultimate destruction of his empire by the Spanish.  He apparently learned how to speak Spanish as he made a speech in that language in the Zócalo, the main square in Mexico City.  In part, he said (translated into English):

    “Citizens of the wretched city of the mongrel Spaniards, hear me, for I am your true king!  I, Montezuma, will exact my revenge for the four centuries of the extermination and the humiliation.  Any of my brothers are welcome into the new Triple Alliance.  But first, we must expel the enemies and leave them behind us, forcibly if we must.  Excrete them into the mud, over and over again, if they stand in our way.  Thus will be the Montezuma’s revenge!”

    Then, Quetzalcoatl roared, spun around into a whirlwind, and disappeared into the sky.  Thankfully, no one was killed during the sudden attack, but the city is reeling from the experience.  “I do not have any comment at this moment,” said Mayor Mancera.  “I am trying to make sure my people are safe.”

    Many people were equally awed and terrified by the sight of not only Montezuma but of Quetzalcoatl.  “That was awesome,” said Jorge Ruiz, a cab driver who witnessed the speech.  “I was scared as well, but it was a giant flying serpent.  It was Quetzalcoatl!”

    “But one thing,” he continued, “did he not know what Montezuma’s revenge means these days?  I mean, he learned modern Spanish, yes?  That was super weird.”

    The Mexico City superhero, El Toro, was said to be on the case according to several sources.