The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Milky Way

  • Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

    Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

    By Karna Firaliz

    APPOTTOMAXX SECTOR, Milky Way Galaxy – One of the largest sectors in the Milky Way Galaxy has declared itself to be an “Earth-Free Zone,” effective immediately.

    The Appottomaxx Sector is located in the Perseus Arm and contains over 6,000 star systems and over 1,500 autonomous empires, nations, and polities.  The Perseus Arm is the closest outer arm of the Milky Way to the Cygnus Arm, where Earth resides.  It is also one of the sectors Earthlings tend to visit most, especially when traveling out of the galaxy.

    “We have long allowed the Earthlings to pass through our sector unimpeded,” read a statement from Lord Yungue of the Yanklu Empire on behalf of 1,328 nations.  “At first, we greeted them with open arms.  Earth was a young planet who recently learned the joys of space travel.  We wished to aid them, wished to teach them, wished to learn from them.  But now, we can no longer allow them into our sector.”

    “Earthlings have started at least six intergalactic wars in the past 40 Time Cycles [roughly 65 Earth years], and when that happens, armies travel through our sector to fight them.  We have nothing to do with these wars, yet we still get attacked.  And Earthlings are fond of acquiring doomsday weapons and intergalactic cosmic entities, and our empires suffer the consequences.”

    “And on top of all of this, Earthlings think they’re the center of the cosmos.  They have no respect for our people, and they invite chaos and mischief.”

    “For all of these reasons and more, we are closing off our sector to Earthlings.  We are an Earth-Free Zone, effective immediately.  All Earthlings must vacate our sector in three Day Cycles [about two Earth days] or else they will be escorted out by force.  Any spaceship with an Earthling onboard, even if it didn’t originate from Earth will not be permitted into our sector.  We will use force if needed.”

    The Earth’s governments are aware of the decree but have not responded, possibly because very few of them have space programs or know where the Appottomaxx Sector is.

  • Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    By Karna Firaliz

    ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy.  This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such.

    The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and destructiveness to itself and the galaxy as a whole.  While Earth ranked in the top 50 for wealth and galactic reach, it did not even crack the top 1,000 for the other categories.  But destructiveness was the one category it led in, and it’s easy to see why.

    “Earth, for some reason, lies at the nexus point for so many galactic conflicts,” read the report.  “They contain thousands of superpowered beings, many of which have abilities that literally tear at the fabric of spacetime, and some of whom are determined to do just that.  Earth is also home to no less than 12 galactic doomsday objects.  As such, they are also involved in many conflicts with beings from other planets for control of said doomsday objects or for revenge on any of their so-called ‘superheroes’.”

    The report pointed out that, while its position in the galaxy secluded it from most inhabited planets in the galaxy, Earth still found ways to inject some of its superhumans into galactic affairs.  The Cardessian Space Portal was originally used to connect Cardess to Saturn’s moon, Titan, back in the 1960s, but with the space race between the US and USSR, Earth eventually found the portal and used it for its own purposes.  The Peace Force and the Amazings have also engaged in 6 off-planet wars just by themselves, and Professor George Quinton reportedly had an affair with Princess Jinora of the Xim Empire in the 1970s that he chalked up to “space sickness”.

    Due to all of this, the title “Most Destructive” is a relative one.  The Cardessians, for instance, are more technologically advanced than Earth and have more galactic doomsday objects, but its empire is spread out over 34 planets and moons, along with its doomsday objects.

    “Earth is just big enough to contain enough superpowered beings, doomsday objects, and lack of species unification,” read the report, “to warrant the destructiveness title.  Many of its nations are on the brink of ruin, and some of them contain those objects.  Couple that with the numerous conflicts that have nearly destroyed the galaxy and the universe, it’s a wonder Earth hasn’t blown up already and taken all of existence along with it.”

    Earth’s leaders did not respond to the report.

  • Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN PLANET – An intergalactic super spaceway is being discussed between seven empires across four galaxies.  If this project is completed, it would be the largest known transportation route in the known universe.

    The JNNKO Empire on ANNNKN Planet is proposing the super spaceway, dubbed SS1.  The JNNKO Empire spreads over 200 star systems in the Andromeda Galaxy and is by far the richest empire in the Local Group (a cluster of galaxies including the Milky Way and Andromeda as well as several smaller galaxies).  Currently, they use a system of spaceways between their planets and neighboring empires, but they are growing old and worn out, and they have begun to gather stray asteroids.  SS1 would create a gigantic open spaceway that would replace many of those old systems and also connect the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies.

    But there are several obstacles.  The first is cost.  Clearing out space in outer space should be inexpensive as there is a lot of empty space in outer space.  But these old spaceways aren’t very empty.  There’s heavy traffic between planets, military space stations, satellites, moons, space debris, asteroids, and comets, not to mention dark matter.  They all take up space, and any new spaceway, especially one as large as SS1, would have to secure even more space.

    Right now, the JNNKO Empire is offering to pay for one-fourth of the cost, which is no small feat considering the empire is deep in debt.  The 34th Xim Empire at the outer edge of the Andromeda Galaxy is on board with the project, but they are even more in debt than the JNNKOs.  The Mongolians (an empire who share a name with an Earth nation by coincidence) of the Pegasus Galaxy is also hesitant to spend money on a JNNKOian project after the previous JNNKOian emperor, PLNNNKO, vomited at one of their state dinners.  Vomiting Mongolian food is a serious faux pas in their society, and relations between the two empires has been rocky ever since.

    The second obstacle is the proposed route for SS1.  Right now, it would involve destroying several moons across 26 different solar systems, and conservationists have been voicing their grievances.  Several moons have ecosystems of their own along with endangered species.  Klop 5 of planet Succop is home to the last living Miketan, a self-replicating 60-foot tall animal that resembles an Earth panda.  They replicate once every 20 years, and the last Miketan hasn’t replicated in 8 years.

    The final obstacle will, of course, be the S’Tok Planet.  The S’Toks’ religion involves a unique form of solipsism.  They believe every other planet other than their own exists solely within their minds and not reality, despite the fact they’ve interacted with the JNNNKOs and Mongolians on a daily basis for centuries.  Getting them to invest in SS1 will be difficult.  Any treaty will have to include a provision that all over planets apart from S’Tok don’t actually exist, and that provision will probably have to be written by an S’Tok.

    Negotiations are expected to last for the next two or three Earth years.  SS1 would essentially connect over 6,000 planets across four galaxies.  It is projected to generate and extra 35% is GDP for each empire over the next Earth century.