The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Mongolia (space)

  • Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN, JNNKO Empire – A space whale got stuck in JNNKO Wormhole 3 (JW3), causing a traffic jam for thousands of light-years.  JW3 connects the home planet of ANNNKN with several outlying systems, and space “whales” (which only resemble Earth whales in appearance) are known to roam throughout several galaxies.  Thousands of space ships run into a herd of them swimming through the cosmos each year, killing hundreds of sentient beings and space whales.  Somehow one flew into JW3, knocking dozens of ships out of the line to enter JW3, and it got lodged in the wormhole.  Normally, JW3 expands to fit the size of the ship, but the space whale came in too fast for the wormhole to expand.  It took workers half a day to wedge open the wormhole without losing their tools in the curvature of spacetime, but they eventually got the space whale through by cutting off its fins.  JW3 returned to normal functionality, and the space whale was eaten by the JNNKOs.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – Upon further inspection of the mysterious pyramid on their moon, Mongolian scientists have discovered that the structure is thankfully not a doomsday weapon as they had feared.  Instead, the pyramid is actual an orifice for the moon, as it has somehow become a living organism.  It began excreting “fecal matter” from the pyramid, or at least that’s what the Mongolian scientists hoped.  They are currently looking for a mouth of some sort.

    LOQ, Andromeda Galaxy – The Loq Kingdom announced that they’ve purged their planet of all doomsday weapons and objects with the hopes of reducing the number of world-destroying plots by villains and invading races.  The last object, The Crystal Orb of Hogs, which has the power to control minds, was expelled to an undisclosed pocket dimension.  Before, Loq contained 28 doomsday objects at its height, some of which were hidden on Earth back in the 60s, and as a result was always in a battle for its planet’s survival.  The current Oh Regime, seeing this constant struggle, made the removal of these doomsday objects from its planet and star system a top priority.  “We’ve seen what this has done to our people,” said King Jol Um Oh, “and we’ve seen what this has done to similar planets like JNNKN and Earth.  It was dumb.  Stupid.  What the hog were we thinking?  They may advance science by leaps and bounds, but at what cost?”  While his reasoning is sensible, many leaders are certain King Oh kept at least one doomsday object for himself for emergencies.

    ASTEROID BELT 34, Pegasus Galaxy – Several asteroids suddenly sprouted tentacles and attacked travelers on vacation.  No word yet on what creatures are living in the asteroids or how many sentient beings were killed, but authorities have advised travelers to avoid asteroid belts for now as they figure out this tentacle situation.

  • Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living motorcycles) behind the small hunks of ice and rock.  The LGP was tipped off to their location after a brawl between two rival pirate brigades broke out and turned explosive after touching the anti-matter bandits.  The light from explosions reflected off the icy rocks and reached a nearby LGP outpost roughly 300,000 Earth kilometers away.  The LGP armada was called in and made the arrests after a 5 Earth-hour laser fight.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – A mysterious pyramid suddenly appeared on Mongolia’s moon, ominously pointing at the planet.  Mongolian officials (note:  this planet just coincidentally shares its name with the Earth nation) sent up a team to investigate.  Reportedly, the Mongolian government suspected it was a volcano, but with its four symmetrical sides, they feared it will be a doomsday weapon.

    TROT, Milky Way Galaxy – Cart Befer Moop, the famed Loorian explorer, who was on a mission to chart every planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, tragically died three Earth days ago when she was eaten by a living planet in the Sagittarius Arm.  Her ship along with its  records were spat out by the planet, and it landed on the planet Trot.  Before Moop died, she had charted 3,429 planets, planetoids, and moons.  She was only 745 Earth year old, young by her species’ standards.

    S’TOK, Andromeda Galaxy – A group of JNNKO college students ransacked the peaceful, solipsistic beings of S’Tok, famous for not believing anyone or anything outside of their planet actually exists.  The college students were rowdy, drinking alcohol at all hours of the day, taking food right out of the local S’Tok’s hands, and pushing and hitting the locals, all without resistance.  A pair of Xim tourists happened to be in the vicinity and did their best to help the locals, but the college students outnumbered them.  When they finally got bored, the JNNKO college students left five villages in shambles.  When asked by the Xim tourists why they let the college students do this to them, the S’Tok wondered how the destruction happened.  The local police arrived on the scene, but they wouldn’t take down the Xims statements because they didn’t believe the Xims actually existed.  Exasperated, the Xim tourists left S’Tok in disgust.