The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Montezuma’s Revenge

  • Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

    Montezuma Breaks Nilrem Out of ‘Magic Jail’

    montezumaweb

    By Skip Daverman

    K’MANI REALM – Montezuma broke the mad magician, Nilrem, out of “magic jail,” as the K’Mani Realm is more commonly known, using his winged serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    Experts have theorized that Montezuma has come back to life due to some sort of magic, if indeed it is the Montezuma of the Aztecs who died during the Spanish invasion into Mexico in 1520 and not a clone or robot.  The source of this magic has been a mystery, but now, that mystery appears to have been solved.  Quetzalcoatl has been creating portals that have allowed it and its master to teleport in an instant, and it just teleported into the K’Mani Realm.

    “This is most troubling,” said Boston magician and legal scholar, Lonnie Pierson.  “We’ve set up the strongest magical barriers known to the all the magical realms, and specifically, the barriers work with the eccentric properties of the K’Mani to make them even more impenetrable.  It’s like how a computing device changes its passcodes every few seconds, but even more erratic than that.  You need an intimate knowledge of how it works to get in or out.  And Quetzalcoatl got in with relative ease.  It’s just roared.”

    The K’Mani Realm houses many of the worst magicians, keeping them locked up with special barriers to counteract their personal magical abilities.  It is open to magicians of any planet in the Milky Way Galaxy and is monitored around the clock by thousands of magicians, wizards, mages, witches, and warlocks from hundreds of planets.  Since its inception in 1549, only three people have escaped, and all with inside help.  The last escapee was a non-Earth Mongolian in 1834.

    Quetzalcoatl’s teleportation abilities were thought to be scientific in nature, but it’s clear now that it uses some form of magic.  That magic is able to counteract the magics of the K’Mani Realm and even the specific magics of each inmate’s cell.  Quetzalcoatl broke Nilrem out of his cell with one roar.

    Now the question is why Montezuma broke out Nilrem.  Last time he was seen, Montezuma had learned what “Montezuma’s Revenge” meant in today’s vernacular, and he was not happy.

    “Whatever he’s up to,” said Mexico City superhero, El Toro, “it’s not going to be easy to stop.  He’s upset about his fallen nation and the disgrace brought to his name.  I suspect he’s going to lash out and show us his true revenge.”

    “And yes, I know how that sounds.”

  • Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

    Montezuma Attacks Military Base, Gives Soldiers “The Runs”

    montezumaweb

    by Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY — The resurrected Aztec king, Montezuma, attacked the Campo Militar No. 1 military base in the Mexican capital, again riding his giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl.

    The attack came out of nowhere as Quetzalcoatl suddenly appeared out of the clouds above the base.  The Mexican troops did not have time to mount an effective defense.  The feathered serpent fired lightning bolts from its mouth, destroying tanks and garrisons in short order.  El Toro, along with several other local superheroes, were too late to help out as Montezuma left nearly as soon as he appeared.  Four people were reported dead from the attack, and several dozen more were injured.

    Montezuma did leave a message via the radio.  Translated from Spanish, he said, “Fools!  This is the true power of the Triple Alliance!  These wretched Spaniard soldiers did the cowering under my power.  They ran fast as I appeared.  They knew the force I am.  I gave them the runs and the explosions out the rear of the base!”

    The translation from Spanish is a direct one.  It is not his first language, and even native Spanish speakers were thrown off by his syntax.

    “I, Montezuma,” he continued, “will continue my the revenge against the mongrel Spaniards.  I will make them run into the toilets until there is no more to run!  Beware or bow down to my might!”

    The Mexican government would not comment on the attack, though they said they were investigating how Quetzalcoatl teleported above Campo Militar No. 1.  Several scientists in the area did detect a strange radiation spike in the area during the attack.  “It’s faint, but it’s there,” said Dr. Miguel Villareal, professor of physics at Universidad Nacional Autonoma de Mexico.  “The radiation signature doesn’t appear to be harmful by itself, but with some more analysis, we may be able to figure out how it works and how to predict it.”

    “But seriously,” he said, “does Montezuma not know what his ‘revenge’ means?  This is getting gross.”

  • Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

    Montezuma Exacts His Revenge on Mexico City

    montezumaweb
    Phone picture

    By Skip Daverman

    MEXICO CITY – The late Aztec ruler, Montezuma, has returned from the dead, riding the giant feathered serpent, Quetzalcoatl, and immediately began attacking the citizens of Mexico City at random.

    How he came back to life is still unclear, but his wrath was not.  Montezuma was aware of the last 400 years and the ultimate destruction of his empire by the Spanish.  He apparently learned how to speak Spanish as he made a speech in that language in the Zócalo, the main square in Mexico City.  In part, he said (translated into English):

    “Citizens of the wretched city of the mongrel Spaniards, hear me, for I am your true king!  I, Montezuma, will exact my revenge for the four centuries of the extermination and the humiliation.  Any of my brothers are welcome into the new Triple Alliance.  But first, we must expel the enemies and leave them behind us, forcibly if we must.  Excrete them into the mud, over and over again, if they stand in our way.  Thus will be the Montezuma’s revenge!”

    Then, Quetzalcoatl roared, spun around into a whirlwind, and disappeared into the sky.  Thankfully, no one was killed during the sudden attack, but the city is reeling from the experience.  “I do not have any comment at this moment,” said Mayor Mancera.  “I am trying to make sure my people are safe.”

    Many people were equally awed and terrified by the sight of not only Montezuma but of Quetzalcoatl.  “That was awesome,” said Jorge Ruiz, a cab driver who witnessed the speech.  “I was scared as well, but it was a giant flying serpent.  It was Quetzalcoatl!”

    “But one thing,” he continued, “did he not know what Montezuma’s revenge means these days?  I mean, he learned modern Spanish, yes?  That was super weird.”

    The Mexico City superhero, El Toro, was said to be on the case according to several sources.