The New Romford Free Press

Tag: NBA

  • NBA Considering Expansion Team in New Mexico; Seattle Furious

    NBA Considering Expansion Team in New Mexico; Seattle Furious

    By Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK – According to sources, the NBA is considering a proposal to add an expansion team in Albuquerque, New Mexico, in order to be the only major sports league to have a team in every Four Corner state.  Seattle is furious.

    Currently, the NBA has a team in Phoenix (the Suns), Salt Lake City (the Jazz), and Denver (the Nuggets).  Neither the city of Albuquerque nor the state of New Mexico has ever been home to a major sports team, while Seattle recently lost their NBA team (the Supersonics) to Oklahoma City in 2008.  Seattle has been trying to get a team back ever since.

    “This is an outrage,” said morning sports radio host, Mike Mallet, of Hamlet and the Mallet.  “New Mexico?  The NBA is seriously considering New Mexico over Seattle?  What’s in Albuquerque except Walter White?  That’s all that city is famous for.  They might as well call it the New Mexico Methheads.”

    Similar outrage rolled throughout the Pacific Northwest.  The Seattle Times called this proposal “a travesty”, the Tacoma Rocket said this “was a smack in the face,” and somehow, the Space Needle made an obscene gesture with a light display.  (No one is quite sure how this happened, but Space Needle officials are looking into it.)

    Usually, when a sports league expands, it adds two teams to its roster to even out the schedule.  The current proposal on Commissioner Adam Silver’s desk only lists the one expansion team with no mention of a second.  The natural landing spot for a second expansion team would be Seattle, but the NBA has a penchant for teams settling in unusual spots.

    “The NBA has a team in Utah and Oklahoma,” said Walt Kipling, sports writer at the Tacoma Rocket, “but no team in St. Louis, Kansas City, Pittsburgh, or Baltimore, all of which have NFL and MLB teams.  They even have a team in Portland, Orlando, and Sacramento, I think, and these are markets the NFL and MLB aren’t in, so the NBA just goes wherever it wants.”

    “Maybe they could call the New Mexico team ‘The Sonics’ just to tick Seattle off,” he added.  “The NBA really likes to do that.”

  • Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

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    An artist’s rendering of what we think is the Sacramento Kings logo. We’re honestly not sure.

    By Dash Hamley

    SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago.  The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA.

    “I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland.  “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one year against the Lakers and something with Shaq, but the rest is all fuzzy.”

    “Mitch Richmond?  Was that one of their players?”

    How an NBA franchise that somehow dates back to 1923 in Rochester, New York, could ever be forgotten, even by the league around it, could not be explained by the researchers.  “It’s impossible to explain,” said lead researcher, Gary Francis.  “Even other NBA players who regularly play against the Kings every year forget that they exist after they’re done playing against them.  Sometimes they forget even while playing against them.”

    Magic (not the team or the famous basketball player) was the most likely explanation for this strange forgetfulness, but the researchers called in several spellcasters to detect magic residue only to come up empty.  Then, they tried scanning players’ and reporters’ brains for any sign of memory tampering, again coming up empty.  They also checked for space-time anomalies, red-light shifts, fungal brain spores, and Sasquatch droppings, but all came back negative.

    “I have no clue how this happened,” said Francis.  “Maybe the Sacramento…Kings?  We’re talking about the Sacramento Kings, right?  That’s what’s on my notes here.  This forgetfulness must be happening to me as well.  Maybe it’s just something to do with the team.  They just haven’t left an impression on anyone in so long that people forgot they exist.”

    “I’m sorry, who were we talking about again?”

  • Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    Derrick Rose Denies Using Legs from Clone

    By Dash Hamley

    CHICAGO – Chicago Bulls guard, Derrick Rose, who has battled several knee injuries over the past couple years, denied accusations that he’s using the legs of a clone in his latest comeback.

    “It’s just ridiculous,” said Rose.  “I’ve worked so hard to come back from surgery.  It’s one thing to be accused of using steroids, but this doesn’t even make sense.”

    The accusation came from many in the locker room and the news room.  Players from both the Bulls and opposing teams noticed how smoothly Rose has been playing in his first few preseason games.  He was playing “like he had fresh legs,” according to one player, and that got the ball bouncing so to speak.

    “He was a little hesitant when he came back from his first knee surgery,” said Charles Randall, local Bulls beat reporter.  “He took a whole year off from basketball just to be sure, but even still, you could tell he was cautious.  Then he got hurt again.  I wouldn’t blame him if he did clone himself and then chop off those fresh legs and sew them to his body.  Hell, I would if I had the money.”

    The procedure of sewing limbs to another person’s body goes back to at least the 19th century when Dr. Frankenstein first created his monster.  In the last two hundred years, the procedure, known as Frankenstein Surgery, has certainly progressed but has also been only performed in certain countries or on the black market.  As one might imagine, finding the spare limbs is the main sticking point.  Even allowing people to donate their limbs like they donate their organs is seen only as a little less monstrous, mostly due to the Frankenstein connection.

    As for Rose the accusation gained steam when a pair of pictures surfaced in the last two days.  Each showed the scars on his knees, but each picture seemed to show the scars in slightly different places on his knees.  “It kind of looks like makeup if you look at it a certain way,” said Laura Collins, another local Bulls beat reporter.  “And of course, he’s wearing knee braces while he plays so that it could cover up any smudging while he plays.  You could make a case for it, certainly.”

    The NBA, which takes cheating very seriously, wouldn’t comment directly but is said to be looking into it.  Meanwhile, Rose remains defiant.  “I don’t know where you people think I got a clone of myself from,” he said.  “Like I’m supposed to have gone to South America or something.  Am I supposed to have an army of clones in water tubes ready for my use whenever I get hurt?”

    “Ludicrous.”