The New Romford Free Press

Tag: NFL

  • Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

    Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

    By Dash Hamley

    SANTA CLARA – San Francisco 49ers head coach, Jim Harbaugh, has much to prepare for in the offseason:  refining his program, indoctrinating rookies and new players, and planning the practice schedules.  Most of his work is to lead the team, but during the offseason, Harbaugh does something for himself.  He keeps up a strict whining regimen.

    “It’s just one of the things that’s part of my game,” said Harbaugh.  “First thing I do when I get into my office, after emails and whatever else, is get down on the floor and start whining.  It’s practice, just like my players do.”

    Whining is one of the most integral parts of Harbaugh’s game.  His screams, flops, and non-existent fuse have produced the biggest tantrums on the sidelines since he joined the NFL.  Every call against his team, no matter how small, causes him to fly off the handle, and it’s all a strategy.

    “It’s all about gamesmanship,” he said.  “If there’s some way to influence the refs to get one, maybe two calls to go my way, then, hey, that could mean the difference between winning and losing.  I’ll make a damn fool out of myself at any chance that I can.”

    Harbaugh’s regimen starts out with basic stretches to loosen up his muscles.  He follows that with 30 upward arm swings, 30 clipboard tosses, 30 tantrum jumps, and 30 belly flops.  Once that is done, he screams for 10 one-minute intervals.  If he has time, he ends the regimen with rolling across the floor back and forth in front of his office for 10 laps.  Sometimes, he asks his assistant to throw a yellow flag in front of him at random times during practice.

    “I need to keep vigilant,” he said.  “I need to keep up with my players.  I don’t let them slack off, so neither can I.”

    So far, his tantrums on the field haven’t reversed any calls, but it’s impossible to determine if his whining had any influence on the referees.  Still, that won’t deter Jim Harbaugh from acting like a spoiled brat at any chance he gets.

    “I will do whatever I can to help my team win.  Hell, I’ll wear a bib and a pacifier around my neck if it helps.  I have no shame.”

  • Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    Tim Tebow Wants to Go to Alternate Dimensions to Play in an NFL

    By Dash Hamely

    JACKSONVILLE – Former college football star, ex-NFL backup quarterback, and current football commentator, Tim Tebow, has been lobbying the science community to let him travel to alternate dimensions with the hope that he can play in an NFL.

    “I just want a chance is all,” Tebow said.  “I’ve wanted to play quarterback in the NFL all my life, and I just want the opportunity, you know.”

    Tebow last played with the New England Patriots but was released before the regular season began.  After trying out for several teams in private, and despite an unusually high rate of injuries to quarterbacks this past season, he could not land with any of the remaining 31 football clubs.  He also turned down offers from the CFL, arena football, and a “Russian football league”, whose existence has yet to be confirmed.  Last year, he became a college football commentator for ESPN, but his contract specifically came with a clause that he may pursue his football career again at any time.

    “Now is the time,” said Tebow.  “I’m ready, and even if I have to travel to a hundred different dimensions to find an NFL in one of them that would have me, then that’s the path God wants me to take.”

    “I don’t care if I have to play against bug people or a world where people have six arms,” he said.  “I’ll cross any chasm and fight against all odds, even a dimension filled with smoke monsters, to play for an NFL somewhere in the multiverse.  I just need a chance.”

    Traveling between dimensions is heavily regulated around the world.  Scientists and the UN closely monitor interdimensional travel as so much is not known about other dimensions, and just opening a portal can have disastrous consequences.

    “In 1979, a portal was opened to Earth 34,” said physicist Karl Unger, “and a swarm of parasitic emus erupted from the other side.  Twenty-nine people died from parasitic emus.  So, letting a failed football player travel to however many Earths just so he can play in an NFL?  Ludicrous.”

    “And I don’t care how many universes there are, but there isn’t a respectable league out there that uses the wildcat formation.”

    Tebow denied reports that he tried to enter this year’s NFL Draft under an alias and a wig and goatee, though photographs and records indicate someone name Tom Teebone was at the NFL Combine in March.

  • John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

    John Madden, Curse Finally Defeated

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    By Dash Hamley

    MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California.

    A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the ground.  The coalition was led by Dante Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game.  “I have been waiting so long for this day,” he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers.  “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and his curse ended my dreams.  It was through many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the mystic might needed to fell this foe.”

    Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon, had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while coaching.  But today muddied up the statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.

    The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the cover.  “When EA started letting the fans vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four in each year.  Thankfully, the Green Bay fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”

    “We had to stop this monster.”

    While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the other coalition members helped in their own way.  Rodgers, who still plays football, threw green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint accuracy.  Young used his great speed from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas.  Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do battle with the evil warlock.  Madden’s incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!”  They traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by Culpepper.  Reportedly, his last words were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.

    With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be lifted.  “Or so we hope,” said Culpepper.  “He was a dastardly villain.  This Curse may still exist for some time after his death.  Surely, it will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”