The New Romford Free Press

Tag: planetoid

  • Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    spacenews

    PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked much of the planet, stole as many valuables as they could find, which turned out to be rocks and blankets, and consumed all of their drugs.  And they punched the inhabitants for fun.  When they became bored with the punching, they left on their own accord.  The inhabitants have asked for food, medicine, and any recreational drugs neighboring planets can spare.

    URT  – The planet Urt has finally decided on when to hold their election for Leader of the Planet.  The 18 candidates have been campaigning for the past 36 Earth years, and frankly, everyone is exhausted.  Elections for Leader of the Planet usually happen on a regular interval, once every 4 Urt years (6 Earth years).  But somehow Urt stopped revolving around its sun, so the Urt year never advanced.  How the planet got stuck is unknown.  The scientists’ best guess in an anomaly in the fabric of spacetime, and they’re still trying to get it moving again.  While the seasons have all but stopped, Urt has found ways to survive, but they still don’t know whether or not to advance their calendars, which has led to the 36 year campaign season.  Finally, after much bureaucratic debate, the government has determined a date to hold the election (50 Urt days from now).  As expected, the primary campaign issue has been getting the planet moving again.

    MARPIE – Marpie, the planetoid that was birthed by Marp, had its first volcanic eruption last week, and it was just the cutest volcanic eruption in the galaxy, according to witnesses.

    CARRIAN RESORT PLANETOIDS – The construction project of customized, luxury planetoids known as the Carrian Resorts suffered a setback recently when two asteroids exploded apart when they were being fused together.  The two asteroids apparently had pockets of water and methane that the construction crews of Omin Ookeil Harpin Nlokmo Ordingists (OOHNO) had not detected, and when they attempted to fuse them together, they created a massive explosion.  Rocks flew everywhere, destroying several planetoids in construction and damaging several more in a violent chain reaction.  No one was seriously harmed in the accident, according to the OOHNO, but now asteroids are flying all over the galaxy.  OOHNO lawyers said that they would not be liable for damages as the accident occurred in intergalactic space, and thus are not subject to planetary laws.

  • Living Planet Gives Birth to Healthy Planetoid

    Living Planet Gives Birth to Healthy Planetoid

    planetsweb

    By Karna Firaliz

    MARP QUADRANT, Andromeda Galaxy – The living planet, Marp, has finally given birth to a healthy planetoid last night after going into labor 21 Earth years ago.  Marp was pregnant for the past 430 Earth years.

    Marp is a living planet with a healthy ecosystem living on its surface like most life-bearing planets.  But this planet came to be a living creature on its own at least 2 billion Earth years ago through unknown circumstances.  It was thought that living planets were unique phenomena in the cosmos with only 8 known to exist across 1,200 explored galaxies.  But with this birth, it appears there may be more, and they may be related.

    “It’s amazing and beautiful,” said Jorpo Crumguggin, a scientist living on Marp.  “Once you get used to the constant earthquakes, Marp’s labor was a sight to behold.  We could see the baby bump for miles in the southern hemisphere, and to see it expand over the centuries was astonishing.  Frightening as [expletive], but still astonishing.”

    Life on Marp has been a near constant state of earthquakes for the past 21 years, but Marpians grew accustomed to it.  They built their houses and structures to be earthquake-resistant, and their engineers are heralded as the best disaster-oriented engineers throughout the Local Group.  The non-sentient life has also evolved to accommodate the shaky surface.  Most lifeforms now have some sort of wobbly joints or shock-absorbing foot pads.

    But the 21-year earthquakes have, understandably, hurt business on Marp.  “No one wanted to come here,” said Iomop Plumduggin, a local business leader.  “I can’t blame non-Marpians, though.  It took me three years to get used to the earthquakes.  Our economy has relied largely on subsistence from other planets and leasing out our engineers.”

    “But now that Mother Marp has finally given birth, maybe things will pick up.  People will surely come to see the cute little planetoid.”

    Mother Marp’s birth has left a gigantic crater in her surface, but by all accounts, both the mother and the baby planetoid, which is residing in the planet’s orbit much like a moon, are healthy.  Scientists plan on landing on the planetoid to check for diseases and to clean it, but they want to give the mother and baby some time to themselves.

    Scientists are also eager to see if the planetoid will grow and leave its mother’s orbit in the coming centuries.  “If this is how living planets come into being,” said Crumguggin, “and for all we know, this could be the first time this has ever happened, then it’ll be interesting to see if the planetoid grows up like most lifeforms.  And if so, how long does it take?  Will it leave our orbit, or will we be pulled into two different directions by the two opposing gravitational pulls?  There are just so many fascinating questions.”

    “Also, just look how cute it is.  I just want to pinch its tiny little craters!”