The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Professor George Quinton

  • Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    By Chase Chapley

    A report released today by the Superhuman Bureau of Statistics said that 78% of intra-superhero battles are due to “misunderstandings” among the combatants.

    The SBS researched 50 years of intra-superhero battles from all known battles recorded in their archives, which are widely considered to be the most comprehensive data source for superhuman activities in the world.  They defined “intra-superhero battles” as “consisting of at least two superheroes,” and they included combatants who have been supervillains in the past or present but were considered superheroes at the time.  As for what constituted a “misunderstanding,” that was murkier.

    “Generally, a ‘misunderstanding’ as we’ve defined it,” said Jordan States, lead researcher for the report, “is when two or more superheroes fought each other upon their initial meeting and then teamed up to fight a common enemy soon thereafter.  We assume, much as the superheroes did, that each side thought the other was working against them.  Then, they tussled for a bit before someone asked someone else what was going on.”

    “You’d be surprised how many superheroes don’t even bother to ask their fellow heroes what’s going on,” he added.

    That number turned out to be 2,403 battles in the past 50 years for about 48 intra-superhero battles per year.  (Note:  the report did not include sparring matches or training sessions.)  The high number didn’t seem to surprise Professor George Quinton, founder of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes.

    “Yeah, that makes sense,” he said.  “This is a high-adrenaline job, so it makes sense that some people just barge in without thinking.  That’s why it’s one of the first lessons I used to teach kids.  If you see another superhero, ask first, punch later.  After all, it could still be a shapeshifter.”

    The report also notes that the rate of intra-superhero battles has decreased in the past ten years.  Last year, there were only 32 incidents.

    “You only have seconds to make a decision,” said the Muskrat.  “Sometimes, you don’t have the intel you need, and you just have to make a gut call.  In a perfect world, yeah, we wouldn’t fight our own.  It’d save time and energy, but we don’t live in that world.”

    “And you never know when it’ll be a damn shapeshifter.”

  • Telepath Thief Pleads Not Guilty

    Telepath Thief Pleads Not Guilty

    By Chase Chapley

    Parker Doyle, the telepath who robbed dozens of homes in Dukes over the past several months, pled not guilty at his arraignment this morning.  He’s accused of 35 counts of larceny and 21 counts of unlawful entry of the brain.

    Doyle was captured by the Peace Force and NRPD a week ago after several months on the loose.  Professor George Quinton, the world’s greatest telepath, was tipped off to his activity through an acquaintance.  Recognizing the activity of a telepath, Quinton mind scanned Dukes for the specific brainwave frequency telepaths use to find Doyle.  The Peace Force and NRPD surrounded his apartment and made the arrest.

    Since then, Doyle has been wearing an inhibitor collar to block his telepathy.  At his arraignment, he pled not guilty to the charges against him, though legal experts don’t expect a lengthy trial.

    “He had millions of dollars worth of stolen goods and cash in his apartment when he was arrested,” said Burt Montana, legal analyst.  “It’s hard to deny that you were the one stealing all these people’s life savings when you don’t even keep it hidden in your apartment.  I guess he was using his telepathy to make people not see it.”

    Doyle‘s trial is set for four months from now.  The NRPD haven’t released any more information regarding his motives or plans for what he stole.

  • Dukes Thief Caught, and He’s A Telepath

    Dukes Thief Caught, and He’s A Telepath

    By Packie Williams

    After months of searching, the mysterious Dukes thief has been caught.  His name is Parker Doyle, and he’s reportedly a telepath.

    A tip from the most famous telepath of them all, Professor George Quinton, led the NRPD right to Doyle.  Quinton reportedly heard a story about the thefts from a friend and decided to investigate for himself.  “I had been out of town for the past few weeks,” he said, “so I wasn’t caught up on the news.  Then a friend of mine was talking, or rather thinking, about it, and I knew the signs of telepathic tampering right away.”

    After performing a quick psychic sweep of Dukes, Quinton discovered Doyle living in a modest apartment in the University District.  Quinton subdued Doyle’s telepathy until the police were able to arrest him.  In his apartment, they found all of the stolen documents, bonds, and jewelry.  They had their man.

    What exactly Doyle was planning to do with all the money and items he stole hasn’t been determined yet.  The NRPD think he was going to purchase something big, but that case may take longer to solve.  According to sources inside the NRPD, Doyle did not have a computer, tablet, or smart phone in his apartment.  He did not keep journals or mail.  He apparently didn’t even have writing utensils.  Whatever he was planning is locked within his mind, and his telepathy has now be locked shut with an inhibitor collar.

    Doyle is being held at NRPD Headquarters as the police investigate his crimes.  Now it seems that Dukes can sleep easier with Doyle behind bars.

  • Ask Julia: Telepathic Protection

    Ask Julia: Telepathic Protection

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Today’s question comes from Brandon:

    Dear Julia, I keep seeing these flyers for “telepathic protection classes.”  Are these worth the money, or are they just scams?

    Good question, Brandon!  Telepathy is a tricky subject to tackle, even for superheroes.  U.N. estimates there are about 200 telepaths in the world, maybe more, making up a very small portion of the world’s population.  The majority of these people are low-level telepaths with limited range and power.  The big guns, like Professor Quinton, are rare and usually have other things on their mind, so to speak.  Being caught in a psychic attack of any sort is a super rare occurrence even by superhero standards.

    But protecting yourself isn’t a bad idea, either.  These telepathic protection classes promise to “keep your mind safe and clear from any intruders,” but the American Psychology Association has raised serious doubts about their practices.  Namely, how do you know if the instructor can be trusted?  Who says that eloquent, bald man isn’t poking around in your head for juicy tidbits while proclaiming to set up mental barriers?  And it’s not like you can test out your new mental barriers to know if they work until someone actually tries to read your mind.  By then it could be too late.  Still, the APA is constantly evaluating these classes and their methods, so be sure to check out their website for more information.

    If you’re still worried about possibly psychic attacks, then you may want to look into technological barriers.  Telepathy blockers are being introduced into the market, and they look just like Bluetooth headsets.  Just hook one to your ear, and it provides mental protection (according to the manufacturers of course).  There are even larger models that you can set up at home much like a home security system.  They’re based on models used for military and government facilities, so they should provide some protection for you at home.

    Happy thoughts, Brandon!

  • Muskrat Reopens the Quinton School for Young Superheroes

    Muskrat Reopens the Quinton School for Young Superheroes

    school
    By Buffy Bolivar

    The infamous Quinton School for Young Superheroes is reopening tomorrow just outside of Carterson after being blown up in a tremendous superhuman battle seven years ago.  But this time, the Headmaster is the Muskrat.

    “People keep asking me if this is real,” the Muskrat said, “and yes, it is.  I know folks don’t think of me as a teacher, but the world needs a place like this for youngsters to go to learn how to be superheroes.  So I just dove in headfirst.”

    The Muskrat, whose real name is unknown, was hardly the first person to think of reopening the school.  Former student, Jed Lankins, a.k.a. Red Eye, tried to reopen it four years ago but ran into legal troubles with the original headmaster Professor George Quinton.  They reportedly had a falling-out, and Quinton refused Lankins’s request.  But the Muskrat was able to convince Quinton to let him reopen the school, and after a few months of construction, it is starting classes tomorrow.

    The campus has been a mess ever since it blew up due to the Mon-Star crash landing in the courtyard from space.  He eventually was beaten by Lankins, the Muskrat, and the rest of the students, but not before claiming several casualties.  This was the fourteenth time the campus had been destroyed in some manner in the school’s storied history.

    The Muskrat believes that this time the school can survive without being blown up.  “It’s going to be tough, sure,” he said.  “But I’m going to learn from the past and upgrade some things that were horribly wide open to destruction.  The main thing is having a safe place for kids to learn how to use their powers.”

    As for how he plans on fitting in his Headmaster duties with his time in the Peace Force, the ATOM Squad, and all of his personal missions, the Muskrat said, “I’ve been doing this for as long as I can remember.  I think I can fit it in just fine.”