The New Romford Free Press

Tag: space

  • Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow humans!  Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills:

    I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well?

    Well, Pablo, you’re in luck!  The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz.  I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response.  (Space is vast, and emails can only travel so fast.  Oh, that rhymed!)

    “Superheroes” as a concept is a hard one for a non-Earthling like myself to understand.  What defines a “superhero” on Earth can be ambiguous.  One doesn’t need superpowers above and beyond a non-powered human, but a costume is generally required.  Even then, it’s not easy to define as some superheroes wear the traditional garb of their homeland.  Being a “superhero” appears to be a notional concept.  The Earth saying “I know it when I see it” seems to be the only reliable measure here.

    From what I’ve gathered from visiting and studying hundreds of planets and their cultures, there are always heroes and inspirational figures.  Like Earth, they have their great leaders, rulers, messiahs, and tycoons, normal members of their race that rise above their peers (apart from the breed-pod cultures of the outer Carminni Galaxy who have been breeding clones of one or two individuals for the past few millennia).  My planet, Minax, has several of these figures, but none of them have powers beyond me or wear costumes beyond our current styles.  By Earth definitions, we don’t have superheroes.

    I’d say the same goes for most planets, but again, the term “superhero” is an Earth term that can’t be applied to other planets.  Everyone on planet Meerillee can fly, shoot lasers from their eyes, have super-strength, and speak 700 languages with ease, but none of that would constitute superpowers in their society anymore than walking on two feet would be a superpower on Earth.

    I suppose the term “superhero” could also be applied to anyone who goes above and beyond for the greater good.  I’ve heard many Earthlings speak of superheroes in this way because even supervillains have powers and colorful costumes.  It matters what individuals do, and there’s something appealing about this to many cultures.  If we used this definition, then there certainly are superheroes on every planet, including mine.  That’s harder to define, of course, but that is the best I can do, Pablo.  I hope that answers your question.

    Thanks, Karna!  That was a very thoughtful reply and a good reminder that we can all be superheroes in our daily lives if we so choose.  (Though I wouldn’t mind being a Meerillee-ian!)

  • Dual-Star System Declares Itself Its Own Galaxy

    Dual-Star System Declares Itself Its Own Galaxy

    Regis5web

    by Karna Firaliz

    GRAND AR’KA QUADRANT — In a surprising and puzzling move from the Grand Ar’ka quadrant of the Andromeda Galaxy, the dual-star solar system of Regis-5 has formally declared itself to be its own galaxy.

    “We have multiple stars and multiple planets,” read the declaration from the Council of Regis-M’Ka, “so by definition, we meet the requirements of galaxy status.  From this day forward, we respectfully ask that everyone refer to us by the Regis-5 Galaxy.”

    The definition of galaxy in the universal dictionary does state “a galaxy is any system of multiple stars and multiple planets that inhabit a large universal space.”  Indeed, the Regis-5 solar system does have two stars at its heart and 14 planets, and it is at least four times as large as the Earth’s solar system, but convincing other planets to call it a galaxy is going to be difficult.

    “This is stupid,” said Prince Ko Mak Oh of the Loq Kingdom, a neighbor of the Regis-5 system.  “Are they serious?  These Regis-5 morons are the stupidest stupid hogs that ever hogged*.”

    Prince Oh’s sentiments were shared by many regents in the Andromeda Galaxy but more eloquently stated.  Queen Orfeel of the Trimorians called it “a ridiculous notion by an inferior star system.”  Prime Minister Y’lop of Hrink said that Regence-5 was “attempting a power-grab of some sort” and “at best, this is just a rebranding.”  And the Cortasi Grand Leader, who remains nameless, said, “I don’t care what they call themselves.  I will eat out their eyes if they come near me**.”

    The consensus among the rest of the Andromeda Galaxy is that Regis-5 is rebranding their solar system as a marketing strategy.  The economy of the system has been declining in the past decade, and galaxies tend to bring in greater economic opportunities than single solar systems.  “It’s a brilliant idea,” said Makii Q, economist from Loq Kingdom Academy of Hogs***.  “Businesses want to brag about how many galaxies they are in, and this could be an easy hog for them to plunder with very little overhead.”

    Currently, there is no committee or pangalactic council that designates what is and what isn’t a galaxy.  If the new designation sticks, several more solar systems may follow suit.  “Then what?” said Prince Oh.  “Everyone’s going to be a hogging galaxy?  Hey, guess what, my hand is a galaxy now!  My [expletive] is galaxy!  My six [expletives] are now the [expletive] Galaxy of Prince Oh’s [expletives]!”

     

    * The Loq language is difficult to translate to English.  The word “hog” here is an approximation of the original word.
    ** The Cortasi are an aggressive race that only eat eyes for food.
    *** The Loq language contains words not found in English, so “Hogs” in this case is the closest assemblage of sounds for this word.

  • Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

    Giant Dog Emerges from Russian Asteroid

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The creature inside the Russian asteroid has emerged, and it appeared to be a giant dog from outer space.  Despite having been confined to a small rock for so long, the 100-foot space dog was in good spirits.

    It began to run around the containment area, barking and jumping.  The ground shook with every bounce, and it took all of Ural’s strength to make the space dog sit.  Somehow, it understood Ural’s verbal command, surprising everyone.  “If it is from outer space,” said a scientist who has been monitoring the asteroid since it landed, “how would it understand Russian?  Is it originally from Earth, or is it a psychic shape-shifting monster, preying on our species’ close relationship to the dog to lure us into a false sense of security so that it may one day infect our brains and take control of our minds to rule the Earth as its wretched slaves?”

    “Or maybe it’s a lonely psychic shape-shifting monster and just wants to play fetch and such?”

    After several minutes of scratching its giant belly, Ural uprooted a tree and threw it several miles away, and the giant space dog dutifully retrieved it.  Then it licked Ural’s face, and its saliva created a pond.

    Eventually, Ural and the Russian scientists decided to move it to a less populated area for further study.  “After all,” said the scientist, “if it is a psychic shape-shifting monster, we should at least see if it’s radioactive or evil.  Maybe its saliva does the mind control part.  Maybe.”

  • Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    Welcome Our New Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz

    By Chase Chapley

    The New Romford Free Press started in 1976 with the purpose of bringing you the most important, well-informed news that affected the New Romford metropolitan area.  As we’ve grown over the years, our coverage has spread across the country and across the world.  Being the epicenter of superhuman activity has brought us many unique stories, and we do our best to report them as they happen, even if that’s difficult to do.  Whether it’s covering Atlantis, magical realms, giant monsters, or run-of-the-mill megalomaniacal supervillains, we will be there.

    But there’s been one area that we have not covered because we’ve never been there.  It is space.  The increased superhuman activity on Earth has made interaction with species from other planets more and more common.  From the Zrat War of 1958 to the Winmac-Paternius X Research Pact of 1984, Earthlings have become important players in the cosmos.  The UN estimates that over 7,000 aliens now reside on our planet, and that number is expected to rise over time.

    For the past few years, we’ve discussed how we should increase our coverage of other planets.  With advances in space communication, it is now possible to hear about events millions of light years away (albeit still with a time lag).  We tried devoting one reporter to space activities, but that became impossible with so many Earth stories to report.  We needed outside help.  We needed someone who lived on another planet.

    It is with great pleasure that we here at the New Romford Free Press welcome our new Space Correspondent, Karna Firaliz!  Karna is a Minaxian journalist from the Ionnia Solar System within the Andromeda Galaxy.  Growing up on the planet Minax, Karna had a knack for writing about his daily events in his light journal, which would always upset his maternal unit.  (Minaxians, during his youth, were raised by cybernetic Minaxians rather than their birth parents.  This practice has been slowly discontinued in the last 30 Earth years.)

    When he turned 543 in Minaxian years (about 23 Earth years), Karna entered Qorr Morr Lornirro, a prestigious university specializing in the light sciences, as much of Minaxian society is run on various wavelengths of light.  But Karna grew disinterested with his studies and began writing.  He joined a local news agency and moved his way up to Senior Editor at the Vro Gorr, a widely-read news service on Minax.  He also met his companion, Janorr, at the Vro Gorr and has three children with her.

    Karna will be reporting for the Vro Gorr and for us as well using an English translator program developed by Dr. Amazing.  He has not visited Earth yet but has interviewed the Peace Force when they visited his planet in 1997 and 2002.  The Peace Force noted that his English was very good, but Karna will also rely on us to help him when needed.

    Please welcome Karna Firaliz with open arms!  We can’t wait for his first report.