The New Romford Free Press

Tag: S’Toks

  • Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living motorcycles) behind the small hunks of ice and rock.  The LGP was tipped off to their location after a brawl between two rival pirate brigades broke out and turned explosive after touching the anti-matter bandits.  The light from explosions reflected off the icy rocks and reached a nearby LGP outpost roughly 300,000 Earth kilometers away.  The LGP armada was called in and made the arrests after a 5 Earth-hour laser fight.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – A mysterious pyramid suddenly appeared on Mongolia’s moon, ominously pointing at the planet.  Mongolian officials (note:  this planet just coincidentally shares its name with the Earth nation) sent up a team to investigate.  Reportedly, the Mongolian government suspected it was a volcano, but with its four symmetrical sides, they feared it will be a doomsday weapon.

    TROT, Milky Way Galaxy – Cart Befer Moop, the famed Loorian explorer, who was on a mission to chart every planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, tragically died three Earth days ago when she was eaten by a living planet in the Sagittarius Arm.  Her ship along with its  records were spat out by the planet, and it landed on the planet Trot.  Before Moop died, she had charted 3,429 planets, planetoids, and moons.  She was only 745 Earth year old, young by her species’ standards.

    S’TOK, Andromeda Galaxy – A group of JNNKO college students ransacked the peaceful, solipsistic beings of S’Tok, famous for not believing anyone or anything outside of their planet actually exists.  The college students were rowdy, drinking alcohol at all hours of the day, taking food right out of the local S’Tok’s hands, and pushing and hitting the locals, all without resistance.  A pair of Xim tourists happened to be in the vicinity and did their best to help the locals, but the college students outnumbered them.  When they finally got bored, the JNNKO college students left five villages in shambles.  When asked by the Xim tourists why they let the college students do this to them, the S’Tok wondered how the destruction happened.  The local police arrived on the scene, but they wouldn’t take down the Xims statements because they didn’t believe the Xims actually existed.  Exasperated, the Xim tourists left S’Tok in disgust.

  • Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN PLANET – An intergalactic super spaceway is being discussed between seven empires across four galaxies.  If this project is completed, it would be the largest known transportation route in the known universe.

    The JNNKO Empire on ANNNKN Planet is proposing the super spaceway, dubbed SS1.  The JNNKO Empire spreads over 200 star systems in the Andromeda Galaxy and is by far the richest empire in the Local Group (a cluster of galaxies including the Milky Way and Andromeda as well as several smaller galaxies).  Currently, they use a system of spaceways between their planets and neighboring empires, but they are growing old and worn out, and they have begun to gather stray asteroids.  SS1 would create a gigantic open spaceway that would replace many of those old systems and also connect the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies.

    But there are several obstacles.  The first is cost.  Clearing out space in outer space should be inexpensive as there is a lot of empty space in outer space.  But these old spaceways aren’t very empty.  There’s heavy traffic between planets, military space stations, satellites, moons, space debris, asteroids, and comets, not to mention dark matter.  They all take up space, and any new spaceway, especially one as large as SS1, would have to secure even more space.

    Right now, the JNNKO Empire is offering to pay for one-fourth of the cost, which is no small feat considering the empire is deep in debt.  The 34th Xim Empire at the outer edge of the Andromeda Galaxy is on board with the project, but they are even more in debt than the JNNKOs.  The Mongolians (an empire who share a name with an Earth nation by coincidence) of the Pegasus Galaxy is also hesitant to spend money on a JNNKOian project after the previous JNNKOian emperor, PLNNNKO, vomited at one of their state dinners.  Vomiting Mongolian food is a serious faux pas in their society, and relations between the two empires has been rocky ever since.

    The second obstacle is the proposed route for SS1.  Right now, it would involve destroying several moons across 26 different solar systems, and conservationists have been voicing their grievances.  Several moons have ecosystems of their own along with endangered species.  Klop 5 of planet Succop is home to the last living Miketan, a self-replicating 60-foot tall animal that resembles an Earth panda.  They replicate once every 20 years, and the last Miketan hasn’t replicated in 8 years.

    The final obstacle will, of course, be the S’Tok Planet.  The S’Toks’ religion involves a unique form of solipsism.  They believe every other planet other than their own exists solely within their minds and not reality, despite the fact they’ve interacted with the JNNNKOs and Mongolians on a daily basis for centuries.  Getting them to invest in SS1 will be difficult.  Any treaty will have to include a provision that all over planets apart from S’Tok don’t actually exist, and that provision will probably have to be written by an S’Tok.

    Negotiations are expected to last for the next two or three Earth years.  SS1 would essentially connect over 6,000 planets across four galaxies.  It is projected to generate and extra 35% is GDP for each empire over the next Earth century.