The New Romford Free Press

Tag: superheroes

  • INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

    INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

    infinityweb
    From left to right: Maria Gutierrez, Samantha McDonald, John Hou, Tarani Kapoor, Karen Humboldt, Kathleen Herrera, Mike Laramie, Jennifer Laramie

    By Tarani Kapoor

    As Project INFINITY explores the multiverse, team leader Tarani Kapoor writes about their travels into the unknown.  We’ll bring you select excerpts from her journal as ATOM Labs provides them to us.

    DIMENSION 46

    As we’ve traversed the multiverse, we’ve come across superheroes in about half our worlds (more depending on your definition of superhero), but by and large, everytime we’ve come across them, they are fighting supervillains and monsters.  Now, we’ve come across a world where they won’t stop punching each other.

    Dimension 36 initially resembled our home from the start.  We saw New Romford in all its glory, and we saw Titana fly through the air.  Then, as we were getting our bearings, Adonis flew in and attacked her.  The force of the impact could be felt for miles according to local news reports.  Our group figured one of them was a robot, clone, or evil counterpart of some origin, but as the two giants began to fight, the locals started running for cover.

    Within minutes, the streets were clear, and someone hurried us into an underground bunker with hundreds of people.  We asked what was going on, and no one knew.  Through overheard conversations and some googling, we gathered that Titana and Adonis were indeed themselves on this world, and that there’s been a war going on between two different factions of superheroes.  The source of the conflict was hazy.  One story suggests the death of a superhero sparked the conflict while another suggests a piece of legislation as the cause.  Another mentions something about an alien infiltration.

    Whatever the cause, we didn’t get much into this world’s history because someone blasted through our bunker with an energy ray of some sort.  Above ground, the battle had escalated very quickly with dozens of superheroes punching each other and destroying the entire city.  Fearing for my crew’s safety, I quickly teleported us to another dimension.

    DIMENSION 47

    Safely into the next dimension, we were all relieved to see that superheroes were not currently destroying it.  Dimension 37 was calm and peaceful, and it resembled our own except for the local fashions.  Almost everyone, young and old, fit and portly, was half nude.  We were clearly overdressed.

    As we sat a café trying to get our bearings, we saw this world’s superheroes, whom we didn’t know, stop a robbery across the street.  While the robbery wasn’t anything out of the ordinary (a minotaur and his goons were robbing a china shop for some reason), the superheroes’ costumes were practically spray painted on, except for their thongs and capes.

    After the battle, two of the male superheroes walked around to make sure everyone was safe.  As they approached us, it became apparent that the superheroes had spray painted their bodies.  They were practically nude, and the fashions of the locals started to make sense.

    Something about us being fully clothed must’ve aroused them because they began to flirt with us.  Uncomfortably.  At one point, one superhero got incredibly close to Karen, and she became flustered.  Jennifer had to forcibly restrain the superhero from getting any closer, and the superhero got angry.  Then the other superhero tried to flirt with her, and Mike had to intervene.

    But before anything else happened, an explosion occurred on the other side of town.  The superheroes said a few derogatory and sexual things to us and flew off.  We comforted Karen and Jennifer and decided it was best to jump to a new dimension.  Hopefully, a calm one.

    DIMENSION 48

    We somehow landed in another world where the superheroes are at war with each other.  This time the conflict had something to do with Adonis and El Toro’s mothers having the same first name, which makes no sense, but at least no one’s sexually harassing us here, so we’ll take a win when we can get it.

  • Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    Report: 78% of Intra-Superhero Battles Due to “Misunderstandings”

    By Chase Chapley

    A report released today by the Superhuman Bureau of Statistics said that 78% of intra-superhero battles are due to “misunderstandings” among the combatants.

    The SBS researched 50 years of intra-superhero battles from all known battles recorded in their archives, which are widely considered to be the most comprehensive data source for superhuman activities in the world.  They defined “intra-superhero battles” as “consisting of at least two superheroes,” and they included combatants who have been supervillains in the past or present but were considered superheroes at the time.  As for what constituted a “misunderstanding,” that was murkier.

    “Generally, a ‘misunderstanding’ as we’ve defined it,” said Jordan States, lead researcher for the report, “is when two or more superheroes fought each other upon their initial meeting and then teamed up to fight a common enemy soon thereafter.  We assume, much as the superheroes did, that each side thought the other was working against them.  Then, they tussled for a bit before someone asked someone else what was going on.”

    “You’d be surprised how many superheroes don’t even bother to ask their fellow heroes what’s going on,” he added.

    That number turned out to be 2,403 battles in the past 50 years for about 48 intra-superhero battles per year.  (Note:  the report did not include sparring matches or training sessions.)  The high number didn’t seem to surprise Professor George Quinton, founder of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes.

    “Yeah, that makes sense,” he said.  “This is a high-adrenaline job, so it makes sense that some people just barge in without thinking.  That’s why it’s one of the first lessons I used to teach kids.  If you see another superhero, ask first, punch later.  After all, it could still be a shapeshifter.”

    The report also notes that the rate of intra-superhero battles has decreased in the past ten years.  Last year, there were only 32 incidents.

    “You only have seconds to make a decision,” said the Muskrat.  “Sometimes, you don’t have the intel you need, and you just have to make a gut call.  In a perfect world, yeah, we wouldn’t fight our own.  It’d save time and energy, but we don’t live in that world.”

    “And you never know when it’ll be a damn shapeshifter.”

  • Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

    Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings, fellow humans!  Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills:

    I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well?

    Well, Pablo, you’re in luck!  The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz.  I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response.  (Space is vast, and emails can only travel so fast.  Oh, that rhymed!)

    “Superheroes” as a concept is a hard one for a non-Earthling like myself to understand.  What defines a “superhero” on Earth can be ambiguous.  One doesn’t need superpowers above and beyond a non-powered human, but a costume is generally required.  Even then, it’s not easy to define as some superheroes wear the traditional garb of their homeland.  Being a “superhero” appears to be a notional concept.  The Earth saying “I know it when I see it” seems to be the only reliable measure here.

    From what I’ve gathered from visiting and studying hundreds of planets and their cultures, there are always heroes and inspirational figures.  Like Earth, they have their great leaders, rulers, messiahs, and tycoons, normal members of their race that rise above their peers (apart from the breed-pod cultures of the outer Carminni Galaxy who have been breeding clones of one or two individuals for the past few millennia).  My planet, Minax, has several of these figures, but none of them have powers beyond me or wear costumes beyond our current styles.  By Earth definitions, we don’t have superheroes.

    I’d say the same goes for most planets, but again, the term “superhero” is an Earth term that can’t be applied to other planets.  Everyone on planet Meerillee can fly, shoot lasers from their eyes, have super-strength, and speak 700 languages with ease, but none of that would constitute superpowers in their society anymore than walking on two feet would be a superpower on Earth.

    I suppose the term “superhero” could also be applied to anyone who goes above and beyond for the greater good.  I’ve heard many Earthlings speak of superheroes in this way because even supervillains have powers and colorful costumes.  It matters what individuals do, and there’s something appealing about this to many cultures.  If we used this definition, then there certainly are superheroes on every planet, including mine.  That’s harder to define, of course, but that is the best I can do, Pablo.  I hope that answers your question.

    Thanks, Karna!  That was a very thoughtful reply and a good reminder that we can all be superheroes in our daily lives if we so choose.  (Though I wouldn’t mind being a Meerillee-ian!)