The New Romford Free Press

Tag: The Amazings

  • LA Gridlock: The Amazings End the Gridlock with Pocket Dimension But Can’t Close the Breach

    LA Gridlock: The Amazings End the Gridlock with Pocket Dimension But Can’t Close the Breach

    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – After what seems like months of strife, the original Amazings have ended the gridlock that turned the Greater Los Angeles area into a dozens of nations.

    “It was a bit more difficult than I thought,” said Dr. Amazing.  “There were so many vehicles blockading roads and intersections, so we couldn’t just unclog them.  Where would we put the vehicles?  Anywhere we put them would just let the whole thing get reclogged, never mind that we couldn’t lift all of these vehicles just by ourselves.”

    “Then I remembered I had access to pocket dimensions.”

    Just like how they defeated Mother from the Breach, the Amazings defeated LA’s gridlock by stowing all of the cars, trucks, vans, and semis away in a pocket dimension, albeit a one uninhabited by Mother.  Splitting up into teams of two, the Amazings used one of Dr. Amazing’s gizmos to teleport thousands of vehicles into a pocket dimension.  After a day’s work, roughly half of every vehicle on the roads of LA were no longer of this Earth.

    Without half the capacity, traffic was able to finally move.  People were able to head home, but there was still the problem of all the would-be royals in each “nation.”  Luckily, the West Coast Peace Force returned from space to help beat back the bats, Disney Land Overlords, and James Cameron cosplayers.  These communities were damaged to varying degrees, but overall, people were able to return home and reunite with loved ones.

    “It seems like years have passed since I’ve seen my kids,” said Marc Helms of Anaheim, who was stuck in Fredistan for reasons he doesn’t wish to disclose.  “Somehow my kids survived the Disney Land-Knott’s Berry Farm War, and I’m just grateful to be with them.”

    “But I still don’t understand why my backyard is filled with dead bats wearing mouse ears.”

    As for the vehicles in the pocket dimension, they were brought back in stages to our dimension after the traffic had cleared out.  The West Coast Peace Force helped to maintain order, which was easy given that everyone just wanted to go home.

    Unfortunately, the Breach could not be closed, and Dr. Amazing said it might stay open for the foreseeable future.  He will pull in scientists from around the world to close it, but for now, he has only one suggestion for how to deal with it.

    “Just don’t look at it too long,” he said.

  • LA Gridlock: The Amazings Defeat Monster from the Breach

    LA Gridlock: The Amazings Defeat Monster from the Breach

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – The Amazings arrived in Los Angeles this morning and, after closing the failed wormhole in Gardena, began to assess the gridlock before being attacked by monsters from the Breach.

    Landing their Amazing Plane in the Griffith Observatory, one of the few neutral areas in the Greater Los Angeles Nations, the original Amazings (Dr. Amazing, Snow Woman, Mr. Bigg, and Miss Terror) began to assess the damage caused by the gridlock.  Snow Woman used her snow powers to put out some fires and then freeze the lava pit, and Miss Terror beat up some Terminator Gang members from terrorizing people in Glendale.  Mr. Bigg threw Dr. Amazing over to the failed wormhole in Gardena while he investigated the Breach.  Dr. Amazing was able to close the wormhole with a device he invented and then rejoined Snow Woman just north of him, and they found Mr. Bigg looking at the Breach.

    Thankfully, Dr. Amazing had invented special goggles to combat the thrall of the Breach, so Mr. Bigg wasn’t affected.  Using his giant size, Mr. Bigg tried to remove the people stuck staring into the Breach, but they wouldn’t budge.  Miss Terror rejoined them, and her strength wasn’t able to move them.  “She is coming,” they chanted all the while, and then it changed.  “She is here,” they all screamed in unison.

    From the Breach, flying monsters dropped from the sky.  They were pink, purple, and teal creatures with four red eyes, tentacles for mouths, bat-like wings, and various numbers of limbs depending on their color.  The monsters began consuming the enthralled humans, attaching themselves to their heads and absorbing them into their colorful bodies.  The Amazings fought off as many as they could, but the aging superheroes were outnumbered.  Then the Mother arrived.

    The Mother, whose name was unpronounceable as it didn’t contain vowels any human could speak, was gold and ten times bigger than her children.  Mr. Bigg punched her in her tentacle mouth because of course he would, but it made her angry.  The Mother ate her children, gaining their strength in the process and growing in size.  The Amazings were on the ropes.

    The ensuing battle destroyed much of west Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, largely due to Mr. Bigg staying in giant form.  Snow Woman and Miss Terror had more success freezing parts of the Mother’s body and punching her in the joints.  Dr. Amazing left for several minutes, and he returned with the bees of Leimert Park in tow.

    Using another one of his gizmos, Dr. Amazing transformed the bees into dark bees.  In a risky move, he somehow ordered the dark bees to attack the Mother, and their dark stings disintegrated the Mother’s body.  The Amazings fought to keep the Mother from escaping, and with each sting, the Mother disintegrated.  One by one, the humans absorbed by the monsters fell from her body, and Snow Woman created a snow bank to catch them.

    Eventually, the dark bees had disintegrated enough of the Mother to make her just a head.  Dr. Amazing called off the dark bees, turning them back into normal bees, and they all buzzed away.  Snow Woman put the Mother’s head on ice, and Dr. Amazing transported it to a pocket dimension for safe keeping.  All of the humans caught in the thrall woke up, dazed and confused but no worse for wear.  Now, all the Amazings had to do was figure out how to close the Breach, but Dr. Amazing admitted he didn’t know how to do that.

  • Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    By Karna Firaliz

    ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy.  This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such.

    The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and destructiveness to itself and the galaxy as a whole.  While Earth ranked in the top 50 for wealth and galactic reach, it did not even crack the top 1,000 for the other categories.  But destructiveness was the one category it led in, and it’s easy to see why.

    “Earth, for some reason, lies at the nexus point for so many galactic conflicts,” read the report.  “They contain thousands of superpowered beings, many of which have abilities that literally tear at the fabric of spacetime, and some of whom are determined to do just that.  Earth is also home to no less than 12 galactic doomsday objects.  As such, they are also involved in many conflicts with beings from other planets for control of said doomsday objects or for revenge on any of their so-called ‘superheroes’.”

    The report pointed out that, while its position in the galaxy secluded it from most inhabited planets in the galaxy, Earth still found ways to inject some of its superhumans into galactic affairs.  The Cardessian Space Portal was originally used to connect Cardess to Saturn’s moon, Titan, back in the 1960s, but with the space race between the US and USSR, Earth eventually found the portal and used it for its own purposes.  The Peace Force and the Amazings have also engaged in 6 off-planet wars just by themselves, and Professor George Quinton reportedly had an affair with Princess Jinora of the Xim Empire in the 1970s that he chalked up to “space sickness”.

    Due to all of this, the title “Most Destructive” is a relative one.  The Cardessians, for instance, are more technologically advanced than Earth and have more galactic doomsday objects, but its empire is spread out over 34 planets and moons, along with its doomsday objects.

    “Earth is just big enough to contain enough superpowered beings, doomsday objects, and lack of species unification,” read the report, “to warrant the destructiveness title.  Many of its nations are on the brink of ruin, and some of them contain those objects.  Couple that with the numerous conflicts that have nearly destroyed the galaxy and the universe, it’s a wonder Earth hasn’t blown up already and taken all of existence along with it.”

    Earth’s leaders did not respond to the report.

  • ‘Reboot Man’ Denied Membership into Superteams for Being ‘Weird’

    ‘Reboot Man’ Denied Membership into Superteams for Being ‘Weird’

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    Old photo of Ray Denver as North-Star

     

    by Stan Hopewell

    Ray Denver, the superhero commonly referred to as “Reboot Man,” has had a difficult life when he gained his superpowers several years ago.  Now, the veteran cannot land a job with a superteam.

    “This is pure discrimination,” said Denver, now going by the alias Clayman and exhibiting shapeshifting powers.  “Just because I’m a shapeshifter they think I’m a villain.  The Peace Force has at least three shapeshifters, so why am I being shunned by them?”

    The shapeshifters on the Peace Force are limited in their abilities.  Techno-Man can turn into electrical equipment, Orgo can transform into animals in a pink hue, and Super Stretcher can morph his body into most objects but cannot fully change his appearance.  In other words, none is a true shapeshifter by the UN Security Council definitions, whose legal definitions are used worldwide.

    Denver still believes he can pass any series of tests a superteam wants to know he’s not a villain.  “They can keep me on the reserve squad for a year to keep an eye on me,” he said.  “I’ll wear an ankle bracelet, have a computer chip implanted into me, I’ll let them read my mind once a week.  I just want to prove my mettle.”

    He also needs a paycheck.  Denver hasn’t been employed either as a superhero or a civilian in three years, and reportedly, has massive amounts of debt from his research trip to Alpha Centauri.  In the past three months, he’s been turned away from the Peace Force, the Amazings, SuperSeven, the Quinton School (for a teaching position), The Good Guys, and, curiously, QTpi’s, the all 16-under girls superteam.  “He was really weird,” said Mighty Mary, the 10 year-old leader.  “And super gross and old!  We don’t want weirdoes on our team.”

    Denver is considering legal action against the Peace Force and some other superteams, assuming he can find a lawyer to work pro-bono.  In the meantime, Clayman will patrol the streets of New York, New Romford, Philadelphia, and Boston in an effort to increase his “brand”.  “I’m just going to have to do this like the old days,” he said.  “I just need to get out on the streets and help the people.  That’s the only way I can prove myself.”

    “And if companies want to advertise on me, I’m open to that, too.  Just putting that out there.”

  • Dr. Amazing Fertilizes Future Farm with Dino Dung

    Dr. Amazing Fertilizes Future Farm with Dino Dung

    By Packie Williams

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    File photo

    One of the biggest, and stinkiest, problems in the wake of the Dino-Day Disaster was what to do with all the dinosaur dung that was left behind.  Dr. Amazing has volunteered to use it as fertilizer.

    “Dung is nature’s natural fertilizer,” he said.  “It’s full of nutrients that plants need in order to grow, and with so much of it around, it just makes sense to use it in the Future Farm.”

    Dr. Amazing and robots from ATOM Labs have been scooping up as much of the dino dung as they could and hauling back to ATOM Labs for study.  First, they wanted to have samples available for paleontologists to study and also to see if there were any remnants of the Dinosaur Queen’s magic left over.  “The last thing we wanted,” said Dr. Amazing, “was for whatever magical particles that turned us into dinosaurs to be left in the dung, and if it were to fertilize crops, we had to make sure nothing evil got transferred to the food, which might turn people back into dinosaurs if they ate a tomato for instance.”

    “Luckily, the occult section of ATOM Labs has given us the all clear,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I don’t put much stock into magic personally, but it happens, so we have to be careful.”

    Dr. Amazing hopes that the dino dung will naturally speed up the growth of his crops.  “No one wants artificial chemicals put into their food,” he said.  “So we’re going to use the next best thing.  Which is dinosaur dung.”

    Dr. Amazing’s wife, Snow Woman, did not comment.

  • The Amazings Play With Kids Affected by DDD

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    With much of the city in ruins from the Dino-Day Disaster, families have been displaced from their homes and neighborhoods.  To help keep up the spirits of their fellow New Romforders, the Amazings stopped by Griffin Park in Frankton today, using their superpowers to play with local children.

    “It was really, really fun to jump on Dr. Amazing’s tummy,” said five-year-old Stacy.  “I jumped really high, like a million times!”

    Dr. Amazing stretched his torso out like a trampoline and let children jump on him one-by-one.  Once their turn was up, he caught them in the air and morphed his arm into a slide.  Meanwhile, Snow Woman created a winter wonderland inside a patented, invisible Amazing Dome, which kept the area at a cool 30° F.  After all, she had to keep the snowball fight going.  And Mr. Bigg flew children, four at a time, in a decommissioned AmazoPlane, 100 feet in the sky.

    “The snowball fight was so much fun!” said nine-year-old Jacob.  “Snow Woman just created this amazing snow fort that literally looked like a snow fort, and it was so awesome!”  The realistic-looking snow fort didn’t look like one after a few minutes of the snowball fight.

    “I’ve never flown before,” said twelve-year-old Dierdre.  “I mean, not like a superhero would.  But Mr. Bigg gave me the ride of my life, and now, I want to get superpowers of my own someday.  I want to fly on my own!”

    Notably missing from the original Amazings was Joan Upshaw, a.k.a. Miss Terror.  Understandably, her powers would be less conducive to playing with children, but she stayed behind at Grainger Tower to monitor the current Amazings team as they assisted with the search and rescue effort.  “Joan wishes she could’ve made it here,” said Dr. Amazing.  “But she preferred to stay at the tower and help out in her own way.  You know how Joan is.”

    Regardless, the parents were grateful for the break from the last few weeks.  “We’ve just been dealing with so much,” said Paula Moreno.  “I haven’t seen my children laugh and play in so long.  This really helps out.  It really does.”

    “This is what superheroes do.”

  • New App Tracks Superheroes

    New App Tracks Superheroes

    By Julia Crumpleman

    A new app, Cape Finder, has hit the market, and it’ll allow users to track sightings of superheroes, supervillains, and other super-powered people and creatures with one tap.

    Argon Studios, the developer of Cape Finder, says the app will utilize the phone’s GPS software to pin a map when users see a superhero or supervillain, much like Foursquare does.  “All it’ll take is a tap on your screen,” said lead developer, Chad Markins.  “Then you type in the person’s name or description and hit send.  You’ll go into the map where you can see other users’ pins.”

    “You can use this to track supervillains’ movements throughout the city, for instance,” he said.  “Usually, they move in one direction or another, and this can be useful to know where to go in case of emergency.”

    But not everyone is so enthusiastic about this app.  Janice Montana, attorney for many superheroes including Titana and the Amazings, said this could undermine her clients’ activities.  “Many superheroes still have secret identities for a reason,” she said.  “If the bad guys knew who they were, they’re going to target their families.  This tracking software could seriously jeopardize their operations if people were to follow them to their homes or underground lairs.”

    Markins refuted that concern.  “We’re not using anything that people don’t already have at their fingertips,” he said.  “There are websites set up for this, and people tweet superhero sightings.  It’s out there.  Superheroes have been doing this for decades.  They know what they’re doing.”