The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Twin Cities

  • Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    Twin Cities Returning to Normal

    magnilrem

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After the month-long nightmare of the sentient bickering mouths, the Twin Cities are finally returning to normal, and making some money along the way.

    The damage caused by the mouths, which became sentient due to the evil sorcerer, Nilrem, was not as extensive as previously thought.  The damage to the infrastructure was limited.  Only about 30 streets in both cities combined needed repairs, and surprisingly, around 120 buildings were damages with only 9 critically damaged.  The windows all across the Twin Cities needed the most repairs, but most residents were grateful for that.

    “I really thought my home was destroyed,” said Robert Mathis, who lives less than a mile from downtown Minneapolis.  “Those mouths were so loud.  I thought for sure the sound waves would’ve just crushed everything, but all I came home to was a couple of broken windows and a bent storm drain.  Talk about lucky.”  Unlike Kansas, Magicimo could not reverse the damage with a spell.  A reversal spell would need to be cast within 24 hours of the original spell to work.

    With everyone returning home, the Twin Cities have not only gotten back to work but also have started capitalizing on their plight.  Both cities have commissioned artists to paint an outline of where the mouths were, and once done, they’ll place plaques along the way to preserve this unique piece of history.  They’ve even proposed to make each site a National Historical Site, but a decision on that isn’t expected until at least next year.

    Furthermore, to help generate some revenue and to mitigate the revenue they lost from this disaster, both cities are offering helicopter tours so people can see the “mouths” from up in the sky.  “It’s been really popular,” said St. Paul pilot Jon Francis.  “When you get up in the air, you really get a sense of just how big those things were.  Sometimes I like to spook them by rumbling into my headset.  Heh, really sounds like they’re coming back to the passengers.”

    And in other Nilrem news, the Chicago Cubs returned to Wrigley Field, playing their first home game in months.  So far, no one has noticed that they’ve returned.

  • Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Magicimo Captures Nilrem

    Nilremweb
    By Skip Daverman

    WICHITA – The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® captured the evil sorcerer Nilrem today outside of Wichita, Kansas, in a magic battle that temporarily decimated the Kansan landscape.

    Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin, was conjuring up his patented Odanrots for fun in the small town of Wellington, just south of Wichita.  Odanrots, of course, are reverse tornadoes.  Instead of sucking things into its vortex, Odanrots spew wind outwards.  How this actually happens is not known to science, naturally, as it’s magic.

    magicimowebWhy Nilrem was conjuring up Odanrots is also not known, but it’s probably because he’s “a madman” according to The Maginificent Magician, Magicimo®.  With all the houses and streets he spewed across the countryside, he was easy to find.  He engaged Nilrem with a few magic spells to constrain him, but Nilrem broke free and started using roads to whip The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.  The battle continued for nearly eight minutes, leaving Wellington and the Kansas countryside in ruins.  Nilrem was finally captured when his mouth and body were wrapped in metal clasps.  Then, with a few hand gestures and glowing eyes, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® returned everything back to normal.  The houses, streets, and farms were as good as new.

    “I simply reversed this maddening madman’s madness,” he said.  “It was not difficult.  After all, he is a third-rate, two-timing thug, and nothing like me, the Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.”

    After answering some more questions with alliteration, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® reversed the spell that turned the Twin Cities sentient and, surprisingly, the spell that turned the ivy in Wrigley Field sentient.  It was not known that Nilrem was the cause of that, but considering how similar it was to the Twin Cities, it makes sense now.  “Clearly, the madman who thought this up was not very imaginative,” he said.

  • The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® Puts Twin Cities to Sleep

    magicimoweb

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After several weeks of interminable bickering, the sentient mouths of the Twin Cities have finally been put to sleep by The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.

    Since the giant mouths started yelling at each other, scientists from all over the world have been lending their support in finding out what exactly made the Twin Cities sentient and rowdy.  No one could come up with an answer.  “It was clearly not the work of man,” said The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® in his typical boisterous stage voice, “but the work of a madman.  And I do not mean Jon Hamm.”

    While everyone understood what he meant, he went on to explain that he had been on another plane of existence for the past three months, and when he returned to hear of Minnesota’s plight, he “smelled the stink of dark, delirious, and demented dealings with the Devil.”  In other words, it was Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin.  “Do you not see?” he said.  “This is his handy work.  To sow disruption, discord, and disaster in the most insane, insidious, inane way known to madman.  Clearly it was him!”

    Thankfully, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® got to the Twin Cities just in time.  They had somehow developed hands, and Minneapolis was whipping the Mississippi River at St. Paul.  How it was able to grab hold of a river and use it as a whip is also not known, but it was probably magic.  St. Paul retaliated by throwing Pickerel Lake at Minneapolis.  Again, magic.

    The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® put a sleeping spell on both cities, and then gave a lengthy speech filled with alliteration to the authorities and press.  Once he left to search for Nilrem, the Twin Cities were eerily quiet for nearly ten minutes.  Everyone who attended his speech in Mankato remained silent, relishing the first real silence in weeks, but it was short lived.  It turned out that Minneapolis snores.

  • Twin Cities Become Ghost Towns to Avoid Mouths

    Twin Cities Become Ghost Towns to Avoid Mouths

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – Several weeks since the giant mouths appeared, the Twin Cities have become ghost towns as residents have left and businesses have shut down.

    “It’s just not worth it,” said Starbucks manager, Todd Kemp, whose shop is a mile from the Minneapolis mouth.  “The mouths yell sporadically throughout the day.  There’s just no peace and quiet anymore, and no one is here.  I have bad enough hearing as it is.”

    Residents within a 2,000-foot radius of each mouth were ordered to evacuate for their own safety by the National Guard while everyone within a mile radius were strongly encouraged to leave as well.  Most are staying with friends and family in the suburbs or at hotels.  Some towns, and parts of the Twin Cities, are taking in children into their schools for the time being.  Despite the difficulties, some are seeing a silver lining.

    “I know they’re shut down, but business is booming here,” said Mary Waller, store manager of Albertsons in Mankato.  “It’s not just my store, but the whole town is getting a boost economically.  Obviously, this is only temporary, but we’ll take it.”

    Many of the suburbs are indeed seeing a boost in their local economies, and some businesses are taking in employees from their downtown offices if they can.  “We’re a tough people,” said Mike Jennings, auto technician for Midas in St. Paul and now Woodbury.  “If we can handle Minnesota winters, then we can handle giant mouths screaming at each other.”

  • Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

    Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their bickering since they became sentient two days ago.  Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths for themselves, but at their own peril.

    University of Minnesota scientists and both city police forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor their continued bickering and to protect curious residents.  “The decibel levels are typically in the 90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.  “That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when they talk at a normal level.  When they yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane.  That is very dangerous for human ears.”

    Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck in to see the Minneapolis mouth.  They threw beer cans into it without reaction.  They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the giant maw didn’t seem to notice.  Then one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.

    The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically, causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.  Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale.  While no property damage was reported, the eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.

    The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth.  “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new perimeter.  “These gigantic mouths are nothing to be trifled with.  Please stay behind the perimeter for your own safety.”

    When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour on the street.

  • Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

    Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul were engulfed in a mysterious yellow light earlier today, and as a result, the Twin Cities became sentient and started to bicker.

    Scientists from the University of Minnesota were baffled as to the origin of the yellow light and about its curious effect.  “This is just crazy,” biology professor, Laura Stern said.  “The cities aren’t living organisms.  They’re inanimate objects, and on top of that, their boundaries are arbitrary.  It’s not like the land between them or the suburbs is different from each other.  How the light transformed the cities into sentient beings makes no sense whatsoever.

    “And the mouths they’ve developed in their respective downtowns are just creepy.”

    Various police and news helicopters have confirmed the existence of giant mouths in each city, both about 400-500 feet in length.  The Minneapolis mouth formed along the Mississippi River in Gold Medal and Mill Ruins Parks, destroying West Park Riverway in the process.  The St. Paul mouth formed along Kellogg Blvd, eating the cars, parking lot, and garage that were originally there.  And then the cities started to bicker.

    “I was just out on a jog when I heard this big boom,” said Minneapolis resident, Rob Serling.  “I don’t know how to describe it really, but it just sounded like a big deep boom.  Eventually, I was able to make out that it was English, but it was too loud to understand.”

    From a mile away, Minneapolis resident, Joy Wang, was able to understand it, mostly.  “It said something like, ‘You’re a poser, Paulie,’ in an almost sneering voice,” said Joy.  “’I’m where it’s at, and you’re a—something something.’  I couldn’t make out the rest, but then it laughed, and the ground shook.”

    Residents in St. Paul were just as confused.  “The mouth growled,” said Denise Black, who was walking to work.  “It was just a growl.  No words.  Then it said something about ‘at least I’m not full of hippies,’ and I couldn’t make out the rest.”

    The mayors of both cities and the governor of Minnesota could not be reached for comment at this moment.  The bickering has continued all day, bringing business to a halt.  “I’m just trying to sell my hot dogs,” said Minneapolis food truck vendor, Jack McHanahan of Hot Doggin’ The City.  “I mean, I make my own hot dogs.  They’re organic, local, free range gourmet hot dogs, the best in the state.  How am I supposed to sell anything if I can’t hear people’s orders from the constant yelling?”