The New Romford Free Press

Tag: universal translators

  • Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    Ask Julia: Why Doesn’t Earth Have Universal Translators?

    askjulia

    By Julia Crumpleman

    Greetings once again, fellow New Romforders!  Today’s question comes from Omoye in Cloonyn.

    Hi, whenever aliens come to Earth, they’re always wearing universal translators.  They’re able to speak to us in our language, and the humans with them wear those things, too.  They seem really useful for aliens, but why don’t we have those on Earth?  They’d be a lot of help!

    Omoye, you’re onto something here!  Just speaking for myself, I’d love to have a universal translator so I could travel more without the fear of being misunderstood.  Also, I wouldn’t have to try and learn a new language.  But to your question, I had to ask an alien communications expert.  Luckily, we have a few here in town.

    “It’s largely a matter of politics,” said Randy Newman (not the singer-songwriter), who works at city hall as the city’s alien liaison.  “Most Earth governments are wary of using alien technology, especially after the Jrats attacked in 1983.  They presented themselves as allies and look what happened in Chicago.  Even though some technologies like nanotechnology, smart phones, and Crocs have certainly benefited human lives, it comes down in trickles.  It has to go through so much red tape before it can even really be used by research labs and companies.”

    “And that’s not even talking about the brain wave manipulation.  That really freaks people out.”

    Universal translators, at least the ones humans have come across, have to manipulate the user’s brain waves in order to translate a foreign language into one the user knows.  “This is no small feat, mind you,” said Eva Broadstone, a language expert at ATOM Labs.  “Your ears catch sound waves and transmit them to your brain, and your brain, in essence, translates those sounds into meaningful speech.  Universal translators intercept your brain waves as they start to interpret speech and alter them, turning them into your native language, which is another process in itself.  It’s a complicated process.”

    The latest NRU poll from last year showed that 65% of humans are distrustful of aliens and their technology, and a whopping 84% didn’t want their brain waves altered by aliens either.  While universal translators can’t mind control someone, for instance, gaining the trust of the general public is the biggest hurdle to bringing these amazing devices to Earth.

    Sorry, Omoye!

  • Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

    Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN – Hackers in the JNNKO Empire of the Andromeda Galaxy disabled billions of universal translators yesterday, wreaking havoc in over 300 star systems.

    Like most intergalactic empires, the JNNKO use universal translators to automatically translate the languages of its people and the people they interact with on a daily basis.  The JNNKO Empire spans over 200 star systems by themselves but regularly do business with another 100 star systems, kingdoms, and empires.  While they don’t have any official languages, the JNNKO is known to speak over 5,000 languages.

    Needless to say, universal translators are essential to run their empire.  With the translation network disabled, everything turned to chaos.

    “Nobody here has learned a second language,” said JN-001, Language Coder and Decrypter for IONN, the leading communications provider for the empire.  “We’ve all grown up in an era where machines learn those languages for us, and some people barely know a first language.  The translators are so good they can translate guttural noises.  Some people just grunt at each other, and the translators make it understandable to anyone.”

    The network went down yesterday at noon in the capital city, SUNNK, on ANNNKN.  The media and financial centers were first to notice the disruption, and the markets dropped 2.5 billion money points in one JNNKO Time Unit (about 50 Earth minutes).  Then the parliament went into disarray when lawmakers began to speak “gibberish” debating a new bill.  Schools, businesses, traffic, and interactions with the police descended into a chaotic mess.  Thousands of fights broke out over simple miscommunications.

    The biggest problem was transportation.  The translators also translated signs on highways, and hundreds of mile-long traffic jams were reported everywhere on ANNNKN.  Then, there were the airships.  Without the translators, airships couldn’t communicate with the air traffic controllers.  Some airships were able to find an empty landing strip or platform, but many had to circle airports for hours.  Luckily, some of the older controllers spoke multiple languages and could communicate with the pilots to safely land every airship.

    And this was just on ANNNKN.  The outer planets and spaceways in the JNNKO Empire weren’t quite as lucky as ANNNKN, which has a highly advanced infrastructure and varied populace.  The chaos on the other planets was much worse, resulting in thousands of injuries and trillions of monies in damages.  After about six JNNKO Time Units, the translation network was back online.  It was a costly day in the JNNKO Empire.

    “The real question is who did this and why,” said JN-001.  “We have many enemies, but most of them would also be negatively affected by this as well.  We use the same translators for business and diplomatic relations.  A terrorist network could be possible, though if they wanted us to understand their message, this would be counterintuitive.  I’m hoping it’s just some dumb kids.  PLARG rest their souls.”

    JNNKO Prime, the king of the JNNKO Empire, did not release a statement, but officials said they are investigating the hack and will punish the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law.