The New Romford Free Press

Tag: volcano

  • Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

    Supervillain Volcano Base Destroyed When Volcano Erupts

    By Muffy Borgeron

    PACIFIC OCEAN – In a surprising turn of events, only in that it doesn’t happen more often, a supervillain’s volcano base was destroyed by the volcano itself.

    Colonel Calamity resided on his volcano base, Calamity Crater, for the past 40 years before yesterday’s eruption.  Since the island is technically its own sovereign nation, the conniving Colonel is the head of state for 450-2,500 residents (depending on if he’s planning another world takeover), all of whom are his minions.  It’s unknown how many people were on the island when the volcano erupted.

    This is the first time in nearly 200 years since the volcano, Fire Death Island, erupted.  Scientists thought it was an extinct volcano, and this was likely the reasoning for Colonel Calamity to build his base there and naming the previously unnamed island, Fire Death Island.  Satellite images show that his mansion and much of the base was actually built into the crater of Fire Death Island, and now that crater has exploded.

    “In retrospect, it was probably a terrible idea to build your house in a volcano,” said George Fukiyama, scientist at the U.S. Geological Survey in Honolulu.  “Like, really, really stupid.  We only think we know which volcanoes are extinct, and we’ve thought Fire Death Island might just be dormant since the 70s.  I thought this guy was supposed to be a genius.”

    Despite purporting an IQ of 3,544 (via a self-administered test), Colonel Calamity should’ve known this was likely to happen.  In 1978, an earthquake cracked the crater, and the crack was filled up the next day by molten rock.   In 1992, steam billowed out of the crater, and in 2005, the crater bulged upwards 12 feet before dropping down 24 feet.  By all accounts, the signs for an eruption were there, but the allure of living in a volcano must be too much.

    “It’s all about power,” said Mike Purdue, Supervillain Scholar at Columbia.  “Seven other supervillains make their homes in or near volcanoes, and those are the ones without volcano powers.  It’s a show of strength to live in a volcano.  Who’s going to attack your island if it blows up on you while you’re on it?”

    Thus far, this is the only volcano with a supervillain base to erupt, which is surprising.

    “With all the experimental weapons they work with,” said Purdue, “eruptions should really be more common.  These guys, and it’s always men doing this, are always trying to tap the power of volcanoes, usually by sticking things into the lava pit.  Most of these places should be destroyed when you think about it.”

    It’s unknown if Colonel Calamity was on the island during the eruption.  Most experts agree he had an escape pod and that he used it to escape.  Based on intelligence reports, Calamity Crater did not have escape pods for all of its minions.

  • Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    spacenews

    PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked much of the planet, stole as many valuables as they could find, which turned out to be rocks and blankets, and consumed all of their drugs.  And they punched the inhabitants for fun.  When they became bored with the punching, they left on their own accord.  The inhabitants have asked for food, medicine, and any recreational drugs neighboring planets can spare.

    URT  – The planet Urt has finally decided on when to hold their election for Leader of the Planet.  The 18 candidates have been campaigning for the past 36 Earth years, and frankly, everyone is exhausted.  Elections for Leader of the Planet usually happen on a regular interval, once every 4 Urt years (6 Earth years).  But somehow Urt stopped revolving around its sun, so the Urt year never advanced.  How the planet got stuck is unknown.  The scientists’ best guess in an anomaly in the fabric of spacetime, and they’re still trying to get it moving again.  While the seasons have all but stopped, Urt has found ways to survive, but they still don’t know whether or not to advance their calendars, which has led to the 36 year campaign season.  Finally, after much bureaucratic debate, the government has determined a date to hold the election (50 Urt days from now).  As expected, the primary campaign issue has been getting the planet moving again.

    MARPIE – Marpie, the planetoid that was birthed by Marp, had its first volcanic eruption last week, and it was just the cutest volcanic eruption in the galaxy, according to witnesses.

    CARRIAN RESORT PLANETOIDS – The construction project of customized, luxury planetoids known as the Carrian Resorts suffered a setback recently when two asteroids exploded apart when they were being fused together.  The two asteroids apparently had pockets of water and methane that the construction crews of Omin Ookeil Harpin Nlokmo Ordingists (OOHNO) had not detected, and when they attempted to fuse them together, they created a massive explosion.  Rocks flew everywhere, destroying several planetoids in construction and damaging several more in a violent chain reaction.  No one was seriously harmed in the accident, according to the OOHNO, but now asteroids are flying all over the galaxy.  OOHNO lawyers said that they would not be liable for damages as the accident occurred in intergalactic space, and thus are not subject to planetary laws.