The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Yetis

  • National News Roundup 11.20.15

    National News Roundup 11.20.15

    nationalnews

    By Muffy Borgeron

    DETROIT, Michigan – At least 300 abandoned homes have now been infested with dark bees, a species of bees from the Anti-Earth Dimension.  They’re slightly larger than normal honeybees, and as their name suggests, they’re darker in color and demeanor.  Their honey is toxic to humans, but some scientists propose it can be refined into a fuel source.  The city has blocked off the now-unabandoned homes for now while they develop a plan to get rid of the dark bees.  The police have urged citizens to steer clear of dark bees as they roam in packs and their stings will cause humans to disintegrate.

    HONOLULU, Hawaii – The annual Yeti-Sasquatch Convention was interrupted yesterday when a pack of 20 Bigfoots stormed into the Hilton Waikiki Beach resort, unannounced.  The Bigfoots, from the forests of Oregon and western Washington, were upset at being snubbed from the Yeti-Sasquatch Convention for the 14th year in a row.  The Sasquatches, from British Columbia, northern Washington, and Idaho, have long been at odds with their southern ape-men, stemming from the infamous Patterson-Gimlin footage of a Bigfoot from 1967.

    That footage was later deemed a hoax as neither Bigfoots nor Sasquatches look like the creature in the video, nor do they walk like that, but that didn’t matter.  After that video went public, humans were on the search for either, and they eventually forced both the Bigfoot and Sasquatch communities out of hiding.  The Sasquatches blame the Bigfoots for being sloppy and letting Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin see the Bigfoots in the wild, sparking the two humans to don a terrible facsimile of an ape-man to make the video.  The Bigfoots blames the Sasquatches for the same thing, and neither will back down.

    Yesterday, the Bigfoots and Sasquatches got into a shouting match and then started punching each other.  The hotel’s security, which was beefed up for just such an occasion, was able to subdue and arrest all 20 Bigfoots and 13 Sasquatches.  The Yetis, for their part, stayed out of the fight as they’re Buddhists.

    RENO, Nevada – The first annual Canine Poker Tournament began yesterday morning at the Atlantis Casino Resort with over 60 canine competitors.  The tournament is the first of its kind for dogs who have a long history of playing poker, long before the infamous C.M. Coolidge paintings immortalized this tradition in the early 20th century.  The event organizers expected at least 100 competitors, but that number was contingent on dogs getting past security at the airport to fly on their own as a passenger and not in storage.  Even still, for a first-year event, it’s generated a lot of excitement for the casino, and Mr. English Muffins is the heavy favorite to win it all.

  • World News Roundup 10.6.15

    World News Roundup 10.6.15

    worldnews

    By Falco Rockbert

    ANTARCTICA – A research team exploring the frigid wastelands of the South Pole discovered a town of Yetis, who have apparently been living there for several centuries.  The town, known as Yetisi, is home to at least 4,000 Yetis according to the researchers rough estimates.  The exact age of the town is not known, but according to the Yetis, their ancestors left the Himalayas over a religious dispute and headed south.  Subsisting on rocks, snow, penguins, and the occasional cannibalism, the Yetis have built a functioning democratic republic with several outposts throughout Antarctica.  They don’t have a currency or any advanced technology beyond axes and frostbite, but they were peaceful and welcoming of the humans.  “Despite living at the end of the world,” said one researcher, “they still had an understanding of historical and current events.  And they made sure to let us know they knew how humans invade lands to exploit their resources, pointing out to the frozen desert each time.  It was disconcerting.”  The research team returned to their base camp safely and early.

    LAGOS, Nigeria – A portal opened up over the skies of Lagos this morning, dropping 30 tons of what was later determined to be flour.  The portal opened up 1,800 feet above the city, and the wind scattered the flour over a 6-mile radius.  Despite clogging the engines of several cars and trucks and downing all airplanes, no one was injured in the “snow”.  The portal closed up in 3 minutes, and scientists have not determined where the flour came from or who opened the portal.

    LA PAZ, Bolivia – Bolivians were made aware of what Lake Titicaca sounds like in English yesterday.  Some Bolivians became embarrassed by the sudden revelation while others came to appreciate the lake more than they previously did.  Peru, who shares the lake, however, still did not get what all the fuss was about.

    TORONTO, Canada —  Tom South, a writer and urban hole explorer, has finished his latest exploration of all the urban holes in Canada.  The three-year journey began in Vancouver and moved eastward to Halifax, ending in his hometown of Toronto.  Eight years ago, South somehow became trapped in the water tank of the submarine ride at the West Edmonton Mall while it was empty for maintenance, and he recorded his three-day experience in his journals.  Trapped in a Dumb Hole became a national bestseller, and he followed that up with “trapping” himself in the Mall of America for two month for his second book Mall of Despairica:  The Cruel Capitalism and Literal Indian Graveyard Under the Mall of America.  That book wasn’t as big of a success as his first, and the lawsuit from the Mall of America eventually had the book pulled from stores.  With the encouragement from his editor, South returned to his roots and embarked on a detailed exploration of urban holes in Canada, and his new book, Holes:  How to Defeat Them the Canadian Way, is slated to come out next year.