The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Bette Midler

  • The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

    The Bette Midler Show Dances Into the Morning

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The Bette Midler Show rolled into the Tom Foreman Opera House last night at 7pm and lasted into the early hours of the morning.  Midler’s fans have been getting their money’s worth at her one-woman show across the country thanks to the cybernetic legs she got last year.

    “These new legs have been remarkable!” said Midler.  “I could stand on them all day and never get tired.  It’s fantastic!”

    On New Year’s Eve in 2004, Midler was caught in an unusual helicopter accident where the aircraft landed on her legs.  Initially, she was left a paraplegic, but last year, she was one of the first citizens to get cybernetic prosthetics.  They are more reliable than normal prosthetics, and they allow the user to sense touch, heat, and cold.  And they never get tired.

    The Bette Midler Show has been touring the country for the past two months to rave reviews.  Midler, according to her fans and critics, seems to have more energy onstage.  The song-and-dance production started out in New York as a three-hour show, but it has quickly sprawled out to five hours with Midler chatting with audience members, doing acrobatics, and breaking concrete bricks with her cybernetic legs.

    “I’ve never done anything like this,” said Midler, “but I have these robot legs, so I have to give my fans something amazing!”

  • Déjà vu Rocks City

    Déjà vu Rocks City

    By Falco Rockbert

    New Romford was hit with a sudden case of déjà vu yesterday afternoon at around 3:15.  Seemingly everyone in the area felt like they had experienced the same event happen twice at the same time.

    Martin Grainger, a.k.a. Dr. Amazing of The Amazings, felt the déjà vu as well and even recorded it.  “We have very precise clocks here at Grainger Tower,” he said, “and we somehow saw a tiny blip occur at the 3:14:35 mark of two microseconds.  It’s like time stopped and then restarted.”

    The blip was so brief that it could hardly be said to have occurred at all, said Dr. Amazing, but it seems that everyone in the world, and not just New Romford, felt it.  The déjà vu caused sudden bursts of disorientation, disrupting activities.   Reports have come in of car accidents in most U.S. cities and in Canada and Mexico.  A 40-car pile-up was reported in Los Angeles.  A Parliament session in London was halted for an hour, and planes nearly collided mid-air in Germany.

    As for what caused the déjà vu is uncertain.  Dr. Amazing is still investigating the blip with the aid of scientists from around the world.  But he said the most likely cause was a reset of the timestream.

    “I’d bet someone came back from the future to stop some event from happening,” he said.  “Whatever this event was probably was the trigger for a series of events that lead up to a terrible future.  When that happens, the timestream is reset to a different path, and that usually leads to a brief sense of déjà vu.  The last time I can remember this happening—or rather the last time it’s happened in this timestream—was seven years ago on New Year’s Eve.”

    On December 31, 2004, a helicopter inexplicably crash landed on Bette Midler, crippling her from the waist down, during a performance at Carnegie Hall.  Eight people died of unusual causes that night, and no cause of the déjà vu was discovered.

    No casualties have been reported from yesterday.