The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Disney

  • LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

    LA Gridlock: Bats vs. Birds, Disney Invades, & The Breach Gets Creepier

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    LOS ANGELES – Chaos continues to reign in the Greater Los Angeles Nations as birds attack bats, the Disney Lands take over Knott’s Berry Republic, and the Breach grows.  The Amazings are set to arrive in Los Angeles tomorrow, bringing much needed help to a region that continues to get weirder by the day.

    The nation known as Aviania has been blanketed by birds for the past week.  From seagulls to pigeons to eagles, hawks, and condors, the skies have darkened over what used to be Irvine, Lake Forest, and Mission Viejo.  Over the last several days, the number of birds has doubled each day as they have appeared to form military divisions according to witnesses in nearby nations.  Rumor has it that a wizard of some sort has holed up in the Mission San Juan Capistrano, just south of Mission Viejo.  It is famous for being the springtime migratory home of the American Cliff Swallow, so it only seems natural that a birdtalker is controlling the birds from there, but so far, it’s still a rumor.

    What’s not a rumor is the birds have been attacking the bats of Chino Hills to the north.  Also known as Batsylvania, Chino Hills has been overrun with the flying mammals, but unlike Aviania, it doesn’t have a famous history of bats.  Rumor has it that a coven of vampires got stranded in Chino Hills and took over, but again, it’s only a rumor.  The bird-on-bat violence has riddled the land of both nations with hundreds of dead flying animals.  Three battles have taken place over the past two days, and it’s not clear if either side has gained any advantage.  But that seems to only be a matter of time as Aviania has replenished its ranks to almost full strength after each battle.  No one knows what they’re fighting over or how to make the children stuck in these nations stop crying.

    Nearby, the Disney Lands have crossed their border into the Knott’s Berry Republic and have all but crushed the competing amusement park-themed nation.  Leaders from the Knott’s Berry Republic have long suspected that Disney would overtake them, but they figured their sticky jams, wild west themed guards, and Peanuts licensing rights would put up more of a fight.  Sadly for them, Charlie Brown couldn’t defeat Mickey Mouse and the precise military strikes of the Disney Lands.  A few leaders have managed to escape the invasion, but it may be only a formality at this point.  The Disney Lands have seized control.

    Yet the most disturbing development is several miles northwest.  The Breach has grown.  More people have been captured in its thrall, and they are chanting something different.  “She is coming,” they chant.  “She is coming,” they repeat continuously, as their eyes turn white.  They do not say who “she” is or what “she” wants.  All we know is “she is coming.”

  • Buzzfeed Creates ‘Disney Princess Team’ to Generate More Disney Princesses Lists

    Buzzfeed Creates ‘Disney Princess Team’ to Generate More Disney Princesses Lists

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    By Julia Crumpleman

    NEW YORK – In a bid to keep their place atop the internet with “Disney Princesses as” lists, Buzzfeed has officially created a “Disney Princess Team” to generate more such lists.

    “Our team excels at generating lists,” said Buzzfeed CEO, Jonah Peretti, “and our most popular lists are the Disney Princesses lists.  They’ve been pop culture icons, they’ve been superheroes, they’ve had realistic hair and waistlines, they’ve been Game of Thrones, they’ve been so many things, but it’s not enough.  Our audience’s thirst for more Disney Princesses lists is insatiable, so with that, we’ve created a dedicated team of highly skilled individuals to generate more lists about Disney Princesses.”

    “And yes, they’re already working on a list as to which Disney Princess they, the new team, all are, so we’ve got that one covered.”

    Buzzfeed’s home page regularly contains at least three list articles about what Disney Princess would look like as bears or My Little Pony characters or whatever other random pop culture thing is in the current zeitgeist.  Considering they make money based on traffic, it stands to reason that having more of these types of lists would be good for business.

    “Based on what I can see,” said Mike Perrera, a freelance social media columnist, “Buzzfeed generates 10% of their income from Disney Princess lists.  That’s a lot.  They’re a huge website with lots of articles, like hundreds of new articles a week.  And they make 10% of their income off of what Jasmine looks like as a rock and what Mulan’s Gemsona would look like.  Pretty soon Disney is going to want a cut of that.”

    “But seriously, Disney Princesses as ‘lukewarm bowls of water’?  How is this a thing?”

    Disney only commented that they were “looking into the matter,” but as it could be interpreted as parody, there may not be much they can do.  Regardless, Buzzfeed doesn’t seem too worried, about Disney or about oversaturation.

    “People say they’ve had enough of these lists,” said Peretti, “but people keep coming back.  And in this market, we have to give people what they want.”

    Peretti would not give the names of the new “Disney Princess Team,” but sources inside Buzzfeed say that they were not given a choice about their participation.  They are also expected to generate three lists a day and aren’t allowed to leave the office until they do so, graphics and all.

    Peretti declined to comment on this, though he was said to be spending a lot of time at his desk lately, sitting silently, staring off into the distance since forming the team.