The New Romford Free Press

Tag: North Dakota

  • Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

    Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land.

    With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase was Mars, North Dakota.

    “We rich, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern, a young Martian-American.  “We’ve been living on this boring-[expletive] land forever, broke and dealing with all you racist peaches.  You want this land?  Have it!  We gone!”

    While the younger Martian-Americans shared Martin Oh’mern’s exuberance, many of the older members of Mars, ND, were bittersweet about selling their land.

    “I’ve lived here nearly my entire life,” said Lo’m Carter.  “It’s all I’ve known as home.  It’s not always exciting, but it was ours, you know?  But this town wasn’t built for older Martians, and it would cost a fortune to renovate.  Now, we have a fortune.  And we’re going to travel.  I’ve barely left North Dakota.  There’s so much to Earth.  I want to go to Vegas!”

    The town of 455 Martian-Americans will soon be down to 0, and that has some residents concerned this is all a ploy to get rid of them.

    “They give us all this money, supposedly,” said Crav’ern Thomason, “and they tell us to just leave.  Where?  What do we do for a living?  The money will last us for maybe three to five years.  We have to have our clothes specially tailored, our cars specially modified, and our medicine specially made.  That all costs money, lots of money.  Most places don’t hire space aliens.  You think they going to hire us?”

    Cenex and BP have both offered positions to the Martian-Americans, and a few of them have accepted the positions.  The ACLU is offering assistance to the Martian-Americans if they have trouble finding employment or housing.  The U.S. government said in a statement that they “were monitoring the situation.”  Other than that, the Martian-Americans are on their own.

    “I’m going to party, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern.  “I’m going to make these dead peaches rain!”

  • Mars Flight Home Fundraiser Underway

    Mars Flight Home Fundraiser Underway

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    By Skip Daverman

    MARS, North Dakota – After 70 years, the Martian-Americans may be able to visit their home world, but only if a fundraising effort can meet its goal.

    In 1940 The Martian Galactic Army invaded Earth in an attempt to colonize the planet.  The combined efforts of the world’s militaries and the Crimebusters (the precursor to the Peace Force) were able to stop the invasion, but several Martians aided the human resistance as well.  These 45 Martians pledged their loyalty to Earth in the conflict as most were dissidents of the Martian Galactic Army which had seized control of the planet 12 years prior.  Due to their invaluable assistance, they were granted asylum and relocated to North Dakota, whose barren landscape reminded them so much of home.

    Since then, the Martian population has grown to 124, and some of the Original 45 are nearing the end of their lives.  “My grandpa keeps telling me stories of growing up in the red sands of Mars,” said Ma’ak Stevenson, who was born here in 1991.  “He misses it so much, it hurts him.  I’d just like him to see his home planet before he dies.  And I’d like to see it, too.  I’m a Martian who ain’t never been to Mars.”

    Most of the Martians living in Mars, North Dakota, have never seen their home planet.  They were born on Earth and know more about Earth life than Martian life.   Most still call the planet by its Earth name, Mars, than by its native name, O’hn Ma’ohn.  “The younger generation just don’t know what it’s like,” said Crav’ern Thomason, who was born in 1921 on the planet Mars.  “They have it easy here.  Never had to dig for no food.  Never had to squeeze water from no rocks.  They need to know their red roots.”

    With space travel from NASA now virtually nonexistent, the Martian-Americans are turning to private space flight companies for help, but even then, it will be expensive.  The average 10-person space flight just to orbit the Earth costs $150,000.  Traveling to the moon and back costs $670,000 without touching down on the moon.  Mars trips cost at least $12 million without hyperdrive assistance, $23 million with hyperdrive assistance.

    To raise funds, the Martians and residents from nearby towns have started a Mars Home Flight Fund online that’s accepting donations.  Humans have lobbied their senators and governor to allocate funds to the Fund, and some have even gone to New York and New Romford to ask help from philanthropists like Thomas McDowell.

    “I just hope they’re not trying to kick us out,” said Lo’m Carter, who was born on Earth in 1954.  “They’re lobbying real hard.  Real hard.  Those Johnson boys down the road have never taken to us.  I think they’re disappointed that we ain’t green like they was expecting.”