The New Romford Free Press

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Oil Companies Buy Martians North Dakotan Land


By Buffy Bolivar

MARS, North Dakota – The Martians of North Dakota no longer own the land given to them by the U.S. government nearly 70 years ago.  Oil companies have bought their land.

With western North Dakota in the throes of an oil boom, all the major oil companies have bought large plots of land.  Human farmers have become millionaires over the past decade, and now the oil companies are expanding.  Their latest purchase was Mars, North Dakota.

“We rich, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern, a young Martian-American.  “We’ve been living on this boring-[expletive] land forever, broke and dealing with all you racist peaches.  You want this land?  Have it!  We gone!”

While the younger Martian-Americans shared Martin Oh’mern’s exuberance, many of the older members of Mars, ND, were bittersweet about selling their land.

“I’ve lived here nearly my entire life,” said Lo’m Carter.  “It’s all I’ve known as home.  It’s not always exciting, but it was ours, you know?  But this town wasn’t built for older Martians, and it would cost a fortune to renovate.  Now, we have a fortune.  And we’re going to travel.  I’ve barely left North Dakota.  There’s so much to Earth.  I want to go to Vegas!”

The town of 455 Martian-Americans will soon be down to 0, and that has some residents concerned this is all a ploy to get rid of them.

“They give us all this money, supposedly,” said Crav’ern Thomason, “and they tell us to just leave.  Where?  What do we do for a living?  The money will last us for maybe three to five years.  We have to have our clothes specially tailored, our cars specially modified, and our medicine specially made.  That all costs money, lots of money.  Most places don’t hire space aliens.  You think they going to hire us?”

Cenex and BP have both offered positions to the Martian-Americans, and a few of them have accepted the positions.  The ACLU is offering assistance to the Martian-Americans if they have trouble finding employment or housing.  The U.S. government said in a statement that they “were monitoring the situation.”  Other than that, the Martian-Americans are on their own.

“I’m going to party, peaches!” said Martin Oh’mern.  “I’m going to make these dead peaches rain!”