The New Romford Free Press

Tag: Snuggie

  • Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Arleen resident, Terry Upton, was found safe today after he was sucked into a pocket dimension from a Snuggie he bought two days ago.

    ATOM Lab scientists examined the Snuggie portal in their facility with the aid of Dr. Amazing.  Upton was sucked into the portal the instant he put it on, so the scientists kept a safe distance from it, using robotic arms to handle the garment.  They detected the same ion particles found at Upton’s home and determined where the portal led.

    “It was just a matter of matching the ion signatures,” said Dr. Amazing.  “This is surprisingly easy to do once you know what you’re looking for, and it was even easier when it was a pocket dimension that we discovered 20 years ago.  We already had this thing mapped and in our database.”

    Dr. Amazing and two fellow scientists entered the Snuggie portal, tethered to our dimension.  No one has set foot in this pocket dimension for 8 years, so they came in prepared for a battle.  What they found came to a relief:  Upton was sitting on a recliner, watching DVDs of Family Matters, and eating chips on a large rock floating in a void.

    Upton explained that he fell onto the large floating rock, and he was alone.  The rock was equipped with a bed, several dressers and bookcases, a fully-stocked kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom, and a smaller rock about 100 yards into the distance housed a gym, but Upton never made it up there.  He said he looked around the place and screamed for help for the next hour.  Believing that someone would eventually come for him, he decided to relax and go through some of the DVD box sets he found.

    “I got lucky,” said Upton.  “I mean, real lucky.  I could’ve been stuck falling in an endless void until I died, but I landed in a pretty nice apartment despite the void.  Looking at that for too long made me just want to jump out into it.  It really messes with your head.  No wonder there’s so many DVD box sets here.”

    “Too bad they didn’t get anything past the 80s.  I can only watch so much Urkel, you know?”

    Dr. Amazing went through some of the belongings and discovered this space was inhabited by the portal-hopping supervillain, Jumper.  He’s known for using a cape as a portal, so it’s theorized that one of his capes was somehow sewn into a Snuggie.  How or when Jumper gained access to this pocket dimension is unknown as are his current whereabouts.  He’s currently wanted by the FBI and five states for multiple counts of larceny.

    After an examination for side effects from the pocket dimension, showing no ill effects, Upton was allowed to go home, and his boyfriend greeted him at ATOM Labs.

  • Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

    By Muffy Borgeron

    A man from Arleen fell into a mystic portal to another world when he put on his new Snuggie last night.

    Terry Upton, 47, a contractor from Arleen, bought a new navy blue Snuggie at a Walgreen’s while coming home from work in New Romford yesterday evening.  Security footage from the Walgreen’s shows the Snuggie being placed on the rack three days ago along with four others without any apparent mishandling to the portal Snuggie since then.  Upton purchased it along with a case of beer and two bags of chips.

    Later that night, at home, he put on the new Snuggie and was sucked into it, according to Upton’s boyfriend, Jon Cheong.

    “We had just finished eating dinner and cleaning up,” said Cheong, “and he bought a new Snuggie.  His last one got torn up by our dogs, and we didn’t think anything of it, the new one, you know?  I was in the kitchen when he put it on, and I heard a weird noise and then Terry was screaming.  I ran in, and he was being sucked into the Snuggie like it was a black hole, and he was gone.  Where did he go?”

    Cheong was understandably shaken up by the experience, and investigators have secured the Snuggie in a metal container.  They found trace ion particles in the home, confirming that a portal had opened up from the Snuggie.   Investigators have  seized all the Snuggies from the Walgreen’s that sold it and are tracking down every Snuggie that was came from that batch.  The manufacturer of Snuggies has also been contacted by investigators, and they are cooperating.

    ATOM Labs is working with the investigation, but for now, people will have to be fearful of their Snuggies sucking them up into a portal to who knows where.