The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • National News Roundup 11.20.15

    National News Roundup 11.20.15

    nationalnews

    By Muffy Borgeron

    DETROIT, Michigan – At least 300 abandoned homes have now been infested with dark bees, a species of bees from the Anti-Earth Dimension.  They’re slightly larger than normal honeybees, and as their name suggests, they’re darker in color and demeanor.  Their honey is toxic to humans, but some scientists propose it can be refined into a fuel source.  The city has blocked off the now-unabandoned homes for now while they develop a plan to get rid of the dark bees.  The police have urged citizens to steer clear of dark bees as they roam in packs and their stings will cause humans to disintegrate.

    HONOLULU, Hawaii – The annual Yeti-Sasquatch Convention was interrupted yesterday when a pack of 20 Bigfoots stormed into the Hilton Waikiki Beach resort, unannounced.  The Bigfoots, from the forests of Oregon and western Washington, were upset at being snubbed from the Yeti-Sasquatch Convention for the 14th year in a row.  The Sasquatches, from British Columbia, northern Washington, and Idaho, have long been at odds with their southern ape-men, stemming from the infamous Patterson-Gimlin footage of a Bigfoot from 1967.

    That footage was later deemed a hoax as neither Bigfoots nor Sasquatches look like the creature in the video, nor do they walk like that, but that didn’t matter.  After that video went public, humans were on the search for either, and they eventually forced both the Bigfoot and Sasquatch communities out of hiding.  The Sasquatches blame the Bigfoots for being sloppy and letting Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin see the Bigfoots in the wild, sparking the two humans to don a terrible facsimile of an ape-man to make the video.  The Bigfoots blames the Sasquatches for the same thing, and neither will back down.

    Yesterday, the Bigfoots and Sasquatches got into a shouting match and then started punching each other.  The hotel’s security, which was beefed up for just such an occasion, was able to subdue and arrest all 20 Bigfoots and 13 Sasquatches.  The Yetis, for their part, stayed out of the fight as they’re Buddhists.

    RENO, Nevada – The first annual Canine Poker Tournament began yesterday morning at the Atlantis Casino Resort with over 60 canine competitors.  The tournament is the first of its kind for dogs who have a long history of playing poker, long before the infamous C.M. Coolidge paintings immortalized this tradition in the early 20th century.  The event organizers expected at least 100 competitors, but that number was contingent on dogs getting past security at the airport to fly on their own as a passenger and not in storage.  Even still, for a first-year event, it’s generated a lot of excitement for the casino, and Mr. English Muffins is the heavy favorite to win it all.

  • MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

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    By Dash Hamley

    Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis.

    “Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can give players an unfair advantage in a multitude of ways.”

    “What we’ve encountered with Jay McMillan is unprecedented,” the statement continued.  “This is the first player who has taken drugs to suppress his God-given abilities to play baseball.  He went out of his way to make sure he was on a level playing field even though he has great strength and speed.  As long as Jay continues to take marostorzin with a proper prescription, he will be allowed to play baseball.”

    The statement also reported that MLB couldn’t find any evidence that McMillan had let his superstrength and speed come out during his playing career.  But they will be testing him on a “regular basis” to determine if he’s gone off of marostorzin at any time, and if he does, he will be banned from baseball for life.

    While the MLBPA strongly disagrees with the possibility of a permanent ban for a first-time offense, they recognize that superpowers are a new territory for them.  “We understand that Jay can lift cars and jump across wide chasms,” their statement said, “but we urge the commissioner to reconsider a lifetime ban for a first offense, even for one that hasn’t happened yet.  That said, we’re pleased Jay will be able to play baseball again.”

    McMillan reportedly obtained marostorzin from Pinnacle Health in order to keep his superpowers a secret, but now in the open, he has found a legitimate doctor and private practice who will supply him with his “medication”.  Assuming he passes a physical administered by MLB, he will be allowed to play as soon as next week.

  • A Note About the ‘FROGS FROGS FROGS’ Article

    By Chase Chapley

    As many of you have no doubt seen, we had an article posted that was entitled “FROGS FROGS FROGS” and consisted of primarily the word “frogs” with a smattering of “GORM”.  I will attempt to explain this bizarre situation to the best of my abilities.

    I was placed under a magic spell along with many of my colleagues here in the office.  We assume that the source of the spell was a being named “GORM,” though we’re still waiting on confirmation from the NRPD, ATOM Labs, and the Peace Force.  This name does not appear in our databases of magical beings, but given the fact for three hours “frogs” was the only word we could speak or type, it’s possible any mention of a “GORM” could’ve been wiped away.

    We all vaguely remember a battle taking place across the street from our offices involving The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, and we can see signs of battle in the streets.  I’m sure many of you in our part of New Romford, in Shorefront, felt the same feeling as us once you realized that you could only speak or type “frogs”.  From what we can gather, the battle didn’t last near our offices for more than a few seconds before The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®, and, presumably, GORM teleported away to another realm.

    Whatever happened, one of our articles about a different incident was written in all “frogs” and was published to the site.  We can’t remember what the original story was about, and we cannot to delete the “frogs” story either.  Our IT department has tried everything to remove the story—they even tried uploading the base site code without any articles—but to no avail.  It’s probably under a magic spell as well.

    So “FROGS FROGS FROGS” will remain a part of this site for the time being.  We’ll tag this story with “frogs” to match the previous story and hope for the best.  We apologize for any confusion.

  • FROGS FROGS FROGS

    FROGS FROGS FROGS

    frogs

    Frogs Frogs Frogs

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    Frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  “Frogs frogs frogs,” frogs Frogs Frogs, frogs frogs Frogs Frogs Frogs.  “Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs!”

    Frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs (frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs), frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs.

    GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs.

    “Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs GORM,” frogs Frogs Frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  “Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.”

    “GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs!”

    Frogs frogs frogs GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.  Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs.

    “Frogs frogs frogs,” frogs Frogs.  “GORM frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs, frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.”

    “Frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs frogs.”

  • Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    Space News Roundup 11.6.15

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    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN, JNNKO Empire – A space whale got stuck in JNNKO Wormhole 3 (JW3), causing a traffic jam for thousands of light-years.  JW3 connects the home planet of ANNNKN with several outlying systems, and space “whales” (which only resemble Earth whales in appearance) are known to roam throughout several galaxies.  Thousands of space ships run into a herd of them swimming through the cosmos each year, killing hundreds of sentient beings and space whales.  Somehow one flew into JW3, knocking dozens of ships out of the line to enter JW3, and it got lodged in the wormhole.  Normally, JW3 expands to fit the size of the ship, but the space whale came in too fast for the wormhole to expand.  It took workers half a day to wedge open the wormhole without losing their tools in the curvature of spacetime, but they eventually got the space whale through by cutting off its fins.  JW3 returned to normal functionality, and the space whale was eaten by the JNNKOs.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – Upon further inspection of the mysterious pyramid on their moon, Mongolian scientists have discovered that the structure is thankfully not a doomsday weapon as they had feared.  Instead, the pyramid is actual an orifice for the moon, as it has somehow become a living organism.  It began excreting “fecal matter” from the pyramid, or at least that’s what the Mongolian scientists hoped.  They are currently looking for a mouth of some sort.

    LOQ, Andromeda Galaxy – The Loq Kingdom announced that they’ve purged their planet of all doomsday weapons and objects with the hopes of reducing the number of world-destroying plots by villains and invading races.  The last object, The Crystal Orb of Hogs, which has the power to control minds, was expelled to an undisclosed pocket dimension.  Before, Loq contained 28 doomsday objects at its height, some of which were hidden on Earth back in the 60s, and as a result was always in a battle for its planet’s survival.  The current Oh Regime, seeing this constant struggle, made the removal of these doomsday objects from its planet and star system a top priority.  “We’ve seen what this has done to our people,” said King Jol Um Oh, “and we’ve seen what this has done to similar planets like JNNKN and Earth.  It was dumb.  Stupid.  What the hog were we thinking?  They may advance science by leaps and bounds, but at what cost?”  While his reasoning is sensible, many leaders are certain King Oh kept at least one doomsday object for himself for emergencies.

    ASTEROID BELT 34, Pegasus Galaxy – Several asteroids suddenly sprouted tentacles and attacked travelers on vacation.  No word yet on what creatures are living in the asteroids or how many sentient beings were killed, but authorities have advised travelers to avoid asteroid belts for now as they figure out this tentacle situation.

  • Barry Melrose’s Hair Causes Oil Spill at ESPN Headquarters

    Barry Melrose’s Hair Causes Oil Spill at ESPN Headquarters

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    By Dash Hamley

    BRISTOL, Connecticut —  NHL commentator, Barry Melrose, caused an oil spill in ESPN Headquarters and parking lot today after using too much product in his hair.

    Melrose has been an on-air commentator for the NHL for several years, and his hair is always slicked back.  This hairstyle is not out of the ordinary for a former hockey player and head coach, as hockey hairstyles are generally terrible, sometimes on purpose.  Former Pittsburgh Penguin forward Klaus Klosterman, for instance, styled his hair in the form of bull horns to intimidate his opponents in the 70s and, occasionally, stabbed them.

    Today, Melrose had used too much greasy styling gel to slick back his hair, and his scalp became oversaturated.  The oil stored up in his scalp could no longer be contained, according to his makeup artist, and it spewed forth from his head.  Gallons of oil sprayed throughout the ESPN Headquarters, covering nearly half of the offices, parts of the studios, and eventually, the parking lot.

    All live ESPN programmings were abruptly suspended due to “technical difficulties”, as crew members and on-air hosts began to slip and slide on the oil.  Three cars got into an accident in the parking lot, and nearly 100 employees were drenched in oil.  Melrose and his makeup artist got the brunt of the spill.  Cafeteria employees used up their entire stockpile of Dawn dish soap to clean up employees, but they ran out of Dawn quickly.

    The styling gel had apparently been absorbed into his scalp over the years and converted to pure oil.  How he was able to store thousands of gallons of oil in his body is a mystery that doctors are still trying to figure out, but after he was cleaned up, Melrose was noticeably thinner and weighed about 20 pounds less than normal.

    ESPN would not comment on the incident, but most employees were sent home while cleaning crews went to work.  Some studios were unaffected by the spill, and live programming went back on air later that evening without any mention of the Barry Melrose oil spill.  To his credit, Melrose said he would pay for everyone’s dry cleaning bills.

  • Telepath Thief Pleads Not Guilty

    Telepath Thief Pleads Not Guilty

    By Chase Chapley

    Parker Doyle, the telepath who robbed dozens of homes in Dukes over the past several months, pled not guilty at his arraignment this morning.  He’s accused of 35 counts of larceny and 21 counts of unlawful entry of the brain.

    Doyle was captured by the Peace Force and NRPD a week ago after several months on the loose.  Professor George Quinton, the world’s greatest telepath, was tipped off to his activity through an acquaintance.  Recognizing the activity of a telepath, Quinton mind scanned Dukes for the specific brainwave frequency telepaths use to find Doyle.  The Peace Force and NRPD surrounded his apartment and made the arrest.

    Since then, Doyle has been wearing an inhibitor collar to block his telepathy.  At his arraignment, he pled not guilty to the charges against him, though legal experts don’t expect a lengthy trial.

    “He had millions of dollars worth of stolen goods and cash in his apartment when he was arrested,” said Burt Montana, legal analyst.  “It’s hard to deny that you were the one stealing all these people’s life savings when you don’t even keep it hidden in your apartment.  I guess he was using his telepathy to make people not see it.”

    Doyle‘s trial is set for four months from now.  The NRPD haven’t released any more information regarding his motives or plans for what he stole.