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Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

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By Dash Hamley

After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers.

McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed.  While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds.  By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9 superstrength and level 8 superspeed.

The second half of McMillan’s story appears to be true as well.  The DEA found that he took marostorzin, a mild superpower inhibitor that is used primarily by physicians for medical purposes.  How Pinnacle Health was able to obtain this, given that marostozin is a regulated prescription drug not commonly found at clinics, was not disclosed in the DEA’s report.  It would seem Pinnacle Health may have another legal issue to add to their pile, and McMillan may be at fault, too, but the DEA only said the matter “was still part of an ongoing investigation.”

Exonerated, McMillan is grateful.  “I’m happy that my true story is finally out,” he said in a statement.  “I know this is hard to believe, but I only did this because I love baseball.  We’re so worried about players having an unfair advantage, and rightfully so with all the PEDs in the game.  But I want everyone to know that I did this to preserve the game’s integrity, and I hope to return to the field soon.”

While out of serious legal trouble, McMillan’s status with MLB is still unclear.  All professional sports have a ban on superpowers.  If McMillan’s story is true, then he’s been taking marostorzin for his entire playing career, but some in baseball don’t believe that.

“It’s hard to say,” said ESPN columnist Buster Olney.  “We have to assume that he kept on the drug for the past six, seven years.  What about those weeks or months that he struggled in the minors?  What about those months when he was on fire?  Are we supposed to assume that he didn’t miss a few dosages here and there to get an unfair advantage?”

“I really want to see what he’s like at full power,” said ESPN columnist Tim Kurkjian.  “I’d love to see him crush a ball a mile.  If nothing else, I want to see him hit a ball to center field and then run really fast there to catch it.  That’d be something!”

Spectacular displays aside, MLB hasn’t issued a ruling on McMillan’s case.  They’re reportedly discussing the issue, and McMillan has voluntarily suspended himself for the time being.  The New Romford Railers, on the other hand, have expressed support for their All-Star.  “We don’t care if Jay has six arms, three eyes, or secret wings,” they said in a statement, “he’s a Railer, and we want him on our team.”