The New Romford Free Press

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Local News Roundup (9.1.15)


By Packie Williams

SUSSEX, Bexton – Laboratory equipment and several pounds of chemicals were stolen from Currie Labs two nights ago.  Security cameras show three women in black clothing and masks busting into the rear garage door with a van.  The women proceeded to grab several pieces of specialized equipment—Currie Labs did not want to specify what—and haul them, slowly, to their van.  This took them eight minutes to load up the van before one of the women realized a forklift was nearby.  They tried to grab a few more pieces but couldn’t figure out how the forklift worked.  Then they heard the police sirens, ditched the forklift, and randomly grabbed several bags of powdered chemicals and potting soil.  The women made their escape down the back alley and are still on the loose.

THOMAS BAY, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior, Nicholas Conberm, was swinging around the street lights of Thomas Bay two nights ago in pursuit of a man who supposedly mugged an elderly couple.  The mugger got away when Conberm ran out of grappling hooks and fell onto the pavement from 20 feet up.  He apparently only had five grappling hooks on him at the time.

SHOREFRONT, Downtown – A local Atlantean calmed down a giant squid on display at the Quigley Aquarium yesterday afternoon after the giant squid attacked the other fish and staff members.  The giant squid, called Sir Arms-a-Lot by the aquarium staff, was on display for a limited time after being caught in Winston Bay two weeks ago.  Sir Arms-a-Lot was injured and recuperating in the aquarium, and people were invited to watch the giant squid as it strained to swim around in its relatively small tank.  Yesterday, it became agitated and started attacking the other fish in its tank.  When the staff tried to calm it down, Sir Arms-a-Lot began to attack them and crawled up out of the tank.  Security tried to subdue the giant squid, but they, their tasers, and their comparatively small stature were ultimately ineffective.  A local Atlantean happened to be in the aquarium and rushed to their aid.  He punched Sir Arms-a Lot in the beak and tackled it back into the water.  He then pushed his hand inside an opening in the squid’s mouth, reaching something that calmed the creature down.  The Atlantean wished to remain anonymous but told the staff that Sir Arms-a-Lot should really be put back into the ocean before it wakes up.

VIRGIN HEIGHTS, Bexton – After further review from ATOM Labs, the attack on Paulina’s Pottery Port was just some local hoodlums looking for pottery and not the return of those time-traveling Vandals.