The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

illegal superpowers’

MLB Allows McMillan to Play as Long as He ‘Medicates’

By Dash Hamley Major League Baseball has ruled that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, can play baseball so long as he “medicates” on a daily basis. “Too often our league has had to deal with players taking PEDs to gain an unfair advantage on the field,” read a statement by Commissioner Rob Manfred.  “Our rigorous testing has weeded out many of those players, and we’ve also tested players for superpowers, as they can… Read More

Jay McMillan Exonerated by DEA, Has Natural Superpowers

By Dash Hamley After a thorough investigation, the DEA has determined that New Romford Railers first baseman, Jay McMillan, does have natural superpowers. McMillan, according to the DEA, was born with level 3 superstrength and level 2 superspeed.  While the leveling system for superpowers is disputed, it is clear that McMillan can lift cars, jump 30-foot distances, and run 100 meters in 7.4 seconds.  By comparison, Adonis is considered to be at least level 9… Read More

Wheel of Fortune Puzzle Writer Becomes Monster Trying to Combat ‘Writer’s Block’

By Skip Daverman SAN DIEGO – One of the puzzle writers for Wheel of Fortune was arrested after rampaging across Downtown San Diego due to a negative reaction to illegal superpower drugs. Bill Sloan, 56, has been writing puzzles for Wheel of Fortune for 23 years and became Head Puzzle Writer in 1999.  He’s considered a legend in the game show circuits for his mastery of televised word puzzles, balancing the right combination of consonants… Read More

McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

By Dash Hamley In yet another stunning turn of events in the Pinnacle Health scandal, Jay McMillan, first baseman for the New Romford Railers, released a statement this morning revealing that he did purchase drugs from Jared Mendoza but not to gain superpowers.  Rather, he claims to have used drugs to suppress his own natural superpowers. “Ever since I was a boy,” McMillan said in his statement, “I was always stronger and faster than everyone… Read More

32 Athletes Plead Guilty to Using Superpowers

By Dash Hamley In a stunning turn of events, 32 professional athletes have pleaded guilty to illegally obtaining superpowers via drugs sold by Pinnacle Health.  Jay McMillan was the only athlete who did not plead guilty, choosing instead to fight against the DEA. According to sources inside the DEA, the evidence against the athletes was conclusive and direct.  There were photos, texts, recorded phone calls, and even video of the athletes either buying or proposing… Read More

Jay McMillan, All-Star First Baseman, on Pinnacle Client List

By Dash Hamley All-Star First Baseman for the New Romford Railers, Jay McMillan, is reportedly on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic accused of selling superpower drugs. McMillan, who hit .338, 45 HR, and 156 RBI last season for the Railers, could not be reached for comment, but his agent flatly denied that his client has superpowers.  “It is ridiculous,” he said.  “This is unsubstantiated rumors about a shady business,… Read More

‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

By Dash Hamley According to sources within the DEA, there are “at least” 30 professional athletes, from the MLB, NFL, and NBA, on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic in White Valley.  The sources could not name any names yet, but five names are “major athletes” with huge contracts and endorsement deals.  Needless to say, the sports world has been rocked to its core. “If this is true,” said sports… Read More