By Skip Daverman
SAN DIEGO – One of the puzzle writers for Wheel of Fortune was arrested after rampaging across Downtown San Diego due to a negative reaction to illegal superpower drugs.
Bill Sloan, 56, has been writing puzzles for Wheel of Fortune for 23 years and became Head Puzzle Writer in 1999. He’s considered a legend in the game show circuits for his mastery of televised word puzzles, balancing the right combination of consonants and vowels while staying up to date on current trends. But even the best puzzle writers get writer’s block, and to combat his latest bout, he turned to drugs.
“The poor guy was just having on heck of a time,” said Wheel of Fortune host, Pat Sajak. “Bill is usually just so spot on with all his puzzles. I don’t know how he comes up with the Before & Afters. I mean, ‘Artichoke Heart of Darkness’? Pure genius! Who comes up with that other than Bill? No one, that’s who.”
Producers said Sloan, who works remotely from his home in San Diego, hadn’t turned in a new puzzle in months. While they insist he was never in danger of losing his job, they also sensed that Sloan was growing desperate. “Genius just gnaws at you,” said executive producer, Harry Friedman. “And it gnawed at Bill. He just wanted to write one more good puzzle, and he just couldn’t do it. So sad.”
While crew members, producers, Sajak, and co-host Vanna White all contributed puzzles in his absence, Sloan dove deeper into depression (and the show’s ratings started to slide). At some point, he purchased illegal superpower drugs to amplify his brain activity, and today, his brain exploded with ideas. Literally.
Sloan’s superactivated brain gave him so many ideas that they took physical form in the real world. How is not understood right now, but scientists imagine he manipulated light waves to make physical objects from nothing. Dinosaurs, robots, cowboys and Indians, cruise liners, the Rolling Stones, and, for some reason, a Sajak-White fusion creature appeared in Downtown San Diego. The constructs were too much for Sloan to control, so they wreaked havoc all over the place, destroying streets, vehicles, and buildings.
The SDPD tried their best to contain them, but thankfully, Adonis flew in to save the day. His mighty punches and eye beams were enough to destroy the constructs into nothing, and they were all gone in less than a minute. Depowering Sloan was another matter, but after a long talk, Adonis was able to calm him down. It didn’t appear that Sloan knew what he was doing, but the SDPD put a few power dampeners around his head just to be safe.
Sloan was arrested and is being held on several felonies. Meanwhile, Wheel of Fortune vows to move on. “Maybe we can use a few of Bill’s old puzzles,” said Friedman. “You know, just as a tribute to a legend.”