The New Romford Free Press

Your most superheroic news source.

Local News Roundup (6.19.15)


By Packie Williams

NOWICKS, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior got into a fist fight with two carjackers on Henry Drive two nights ago.  The wannabe superhero, whose real name is Nicholas Conberm, tried to prevent two men from stealing a car outside of Finn’s Bar.  Conberm flung rubber balls at the carjackers with his slingshot, missing the carjackers and breaking the windows of the car he was trying to save.  Not intimidated by Conberm, the carjackers got into a fist fight with the Bernard St. Warrior, eventually winning.  The carjackers fled the scene once a police car approached the scene.  Conberm was ticketed for breaking the car’s windows and is expected to pay for the repairs.

BEATON HILL, Dukes – Cat-themed supervillain, Mr. Whiskers, was arrested last night trying to steal an Ancient Egyptian Bastet statue from the Wonders of Ancient Egypt exhibit at the Princetown Museum.  Superhero, Red Man, was the one who caught Mr. Whiskers and his goons attempting to pilfer the Bastet statue, the featured piece of the exhibit.  Red Man was roaming the neighborhood rooftops when he heard the alarm go off.  Using his lasers, jet boots, and Red Claw, Red Man defeated the goons easily, but that was enough to give Mr. Whiskers a chance to escape.  Red Man chased after the supervillain and caught him in the alleyway behind Fletcher Street in Dominicana.  Mr. Whiskers was turned over to police custody.

HOLLAND, Norwoods – Residents reported a “monster” in Lake Hominy terrorizing kids on the lakeshore and giving people “bad dreams”, but authorities could not confirm that a lake monster exists.

MONACO, Bexton – Police were called into the Grocery King on Atlantic Avenue and Catherine Street as an eight-foot-tall Minotaur entered the store.  The Minotaur, whose name is Gary Larson, grabbed a cart and started to shop.  It’s not clear who called the police, a staff member or a patron, but Larson seemed to expect the attention.  Larson kept his hands in the air as the police began to question him, and when it became apparent that Larson, who had just moved to Monaco last week from Boston, was simply buying groceries for his new home, the police apologized and left.  Grocery King would not comment past saying they were not the ones who called the police.  Larson, for his part, was jovial, happy, and did a good job of not knocking things over with his horns.