By Karna Firaliz
UOP, Milky Way Galaxy – A leading scientist on planet Uop in the Saggitarius Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy warned his planet’s governments to stop throwing nuclear weapons into their sun for fear of destabilizing it.
Aem Jil’mo, one of Uop’s leading physicists, submitted his findings to his nation’s Supreme Council. “We’ve successfully removed tons of our planet’s nuclear waste via dumping it into our sun,” his report read. “So far, it has proved useful in cleaning up our environment, but it is taking a toll on our sun. The nuclear weapons detonate when they hit the sun, and now, those explosions are disrupting its internal fusion process. I fear that if this continues the sun will destabilize, possibly explode. We must stop this now.”
Jil’mo’s nation did not respond well to the report, calling it “delusional,” “apocalyptic,” and “dumb.” These comments coming from his scientific rivals and business leaders. The other nations on Uop didn’t provide much support.
“See, I like Aem,” said Irm Pwem, a rival scientist. “Generally, he’s a good guy and knows his stuff, but the sun is going to explode from throwing nuclear weapons into it? Come on. The sun is huge and is a giant nuclear fusion reactor itself. Throwing a [candle] into a [the Uop equivalent of a forest fire] doesn’t make it blow up.”
“Aem has a pattern of apocalyptic thinking,” said Opper L’ol, a politician who regularly works with Jil’mo. “Last year he thought a string of uopquakes meant that Uop was going to explode. Now this. Do you know that he even built a rocketship for his infant son, that he was going to send his son to another planet, by himself, in case Uop exploded? I mean, if you have the time to build a rocketship, why not make it big enough for your entire family? You’re just going to shoot your infant into space and hope for the best? Stupid.”
For his part, Jil’mo acknowledged that his previous theory was flawed but only because his sentient computer program, Mindor, had fed him misleading data. He claims to have fixed the errors in Mindor’s programming.
“I’ve double-checked my numbers,” he said. “I even wrote them out on paper and did the calculations by hand, and they corroborate what Mindor found. Throwing nuclear weapons into the sun is a bad idea. Even if it doesn’t lead to anything apocalyptic, it still encourages the wasteful exploitation of our planet’s resources and destabilizes international relations.”
While it looks like Uop’s nations will need more convincing, Jil’mo has reportedly expanded his rocketship to carry two passengers, and his wife gave birth to a girl three months ago.