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‘At Least’ 30 Professional Athletes on Pinnacle Health’s Client List

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By Dash Hamley

According to sources within the DEA, there are “at least” 30 professional athletes, from the MLB, NFL, and NBA, on the client list of Pinnacle Health, the sports and wellness clinic in White Valley.  The sources could not name any names yet, but five names are “major athletes” with huge contracts and endorsement deals.  Needless to say, the sports world has been rocked to its core.

“If this is true,” said sports commentator and hateful troll, Skip Bayless, “then I just don’t know what to believe anymore.  Steroids and HGH are one thing, but superpowers are on a level all their own.  I’ll bet my salary that LeBron James is on that list.  He just has to be.”

Other sports commentators were less dramatic and accusatory based on almost no information.  “This could very well be the biggest scandal of all time,” said Joe Buck.  “We’ve always known that athletes will do whatever they can to get an edge, and PEDs are no exception.  So of course, some people would try out superpowers.  And hey, at least it’ll give us all something to talk about during games.”

Speculation on who could be on the client has run rampant throughout all the sports leagues.  The MLB and NFL are already mounting investigations, and the NBA has reportedly started hiring new investigators of their own.  Players and coaches around the country are not talking about it, but it’s clear everyone’s nervous.  “First Balco, then Biogenesis, now this,” said a baseball player who asked to remain anonymous, “it’s just sad and infuriating.  Babe Ruth never had superpowers.  At most people thought he had magic powers, but that’s nonsense.  Hank Aaron never had superpowers.  Now, who knows what people could have?”

“It ruins the spirit of the game to suddenly have the proportional strength on an ant or whatever.”