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McMillan: ‘I Have Natural Superpowers’

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By Dash Hamley

In yet another stunning turn of events in the Pinnacle Health scandal, Jay McMillan, first baseman for the New Romford Railers, released a statement this morning revealing that he did purchase drugs from Jared Mendoza but not to gain superpowers.  Rather, he claims to have used drugs to suppress his own natural superpowers.

“Ever since I was a boy,” McMillan said in his statement, “I was always stronger and faster than everyone else.  At the time it wasn’t anything out of the ordinary.  I was just a better athlete.  But as I went into high school, I noticed that my strength and speed were much greater than my teammates.  I could lift cars and jump across rivers.  After consulting with a few experts, my parents and I determined that I had natural superpowers.  I was never in a chemical spill, never hit by cosmic rays, never augmented with nanites.  My powers were all-natural.”

If validated, this would free McMillan of any possible criminal charges thrown against him.  It is a crime to obtain superpowers intentionally but not a crime to obtain superpowers unintentionally or by birth.  But it also mean the end of his career as an athlete, where superpowers are strictly forbidden.

“Now, many people will wonder why I didn’t become a superhero with these powers,” McMillan continued.  “The truth is that my strength and speed are not that great compared to the professionals in that field, nor do I have the mental fortitude to lead that life.  I believe it takes a special kind of person who wants to be a superhero, and all I wanted to do was play baseball.  So I purchased drugs from Jared Mendoza to suppress my powers so that I wouldn’t have an unfair advantage over my peers.  That is the truth.”

McMillan’s claims will need to be investigated by the DEA as suppressing superpowers is a muddy legal issue.  An even muddier issue will be the public’s reaction.  Superhumans are all but expected to contribute to society in some way, either by becoming a superhero or a construction worker.  Using superpowers for less helpful purposes, like sports, is viewed as selfish.  In the past decade, there’s been pushback from superhumans who just want to lead normal lives without the pressure to become superheroes, but it’s still a thorny issue.

Meanwhile, sports commentator and hateful bridge troll Skip Bayless has been officially suspended for 30 days by ESPN for his LeBron James chair-throwing incident from last week.  Previously, ESPN had suspended him indefinitely.