The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Multiplier Clones His Way Out of Police Custody

    Multiplier Clones His Way Out of Police Custody

    By Packie Williams

    The multiplier, who stole the rare quantillium shipment several weeks ago, was caught by the NRPD in a raid in an East Town tenement, until he cloned his way out of police custody.

    The raid by the NRPD began yesterday afternoon after a tip was received to gang activity in the Hoffman Tenement.  It’s not known who the police were going in after, but sources said that the multiplier was not part of the tip-off.  The police did not say who they arrested, but the only superhuman was the multiplier.

    Police barged in and began firing stun beams to subdue the alleged gang members.  After a short fight, the gang members, caught by surprise, surrendered.  The multiplier, whose identity is still unknown, was among those arrested.  The NRPD proceeded to pack the 14 alleged gang members into police vans, and it was at this moment that the multiplier began multiplying.

    In a matter of seconds, one man turned into 24, overwhelming the police.  He even sent three officers flying 15 feet into the air.  The multipliers fought some of the remaining officers, got into the police vans, and drove away.  Some multipliers ran away on foot, generating more clones to make their escape.

    Only one alleged gang member didn’t make the escape.  Sources identified him as Sam “Juggsy” Jalone, a low-level henchman and gun trafficker.  He’s been taken into custody for questioning.  Police are asking the public to be on the lookout for men who look the same (assuming they aren’t twins or triplets).

  • Glowing Cocoons Found in Hudson River

    Glowing Cocoons Found in Hudson River

    By Chase Chapley

    NEW YORK – Twenty cocoons were found in the bottom of the Hudson River off the coast of Manhattan this morning, and of course they were glowing.

    A Circle Line captain saw a faint glow in the water and called the police.  The NYPD, along with Titana’s help, fished twenty cocoons out of the river.  Glowing green and then red, the cocoons were each about the size of a car.

    The cocoons were taken to the laboratory of Dr. Kimiko Kashani, a professor of alien and mutant physiology at Columbia University.  “Early tests so far show no signs of hatching any time soon,” she said, “but until I run more tests, it’s too soon to say what’s inside.”  When asked about the glowing, she said, “That’s pretty normal for giant cocoons, really.  It’s just bioluminescence, you know, to scare off predators.  Nothing unusual, really.”

    But not everyone is so convinced that they’re safe.  “Glowing pods?” yelled General Kurt Murdoch, outspoken 4-star general of the U.S. Army with questionable legal standing in said army.  “Last time I came across a glowing pod,” he said, “was 1988, and out came Omnimoth, a 200 foot tall psychic humanoid moth, who took out half of Kansas City.  And that was just the last glowing pod.”

    “Well, yes, that was bad,” said Dr. Kashani.  “But that was a single gigantic pod, and it was radioactive, but most pods, or cocoons, aren’t like this.  These  aren’t radioactive, and we’re not getting any psychic residue from them.  I’ve been studying giant pods all my life, and whatever is hatching inside them sure aren’t going to be anything we can’t handle.  I also have the Amazings helping to study and contain whatever’s inside.”

    “Burn them with fire,” yelled General Murdoch.  “Burn them with fire now!”

    The NYPD and Columbia University aren’t going to burn them with fire any time soon while they continue to study and investigate the cocoons.  At the very least, they need to find out where they came from, said the NYPD. General Murdoch has been ordered to stay out of New York and New Jersey for the foreseeable future.

  • Project INFINITY Journal: Dimension 1

    Project INFINITY Journal: Dimension 1

    infinityweb

    By Tarani Kapoor

    As Project INFINITY explores the multiverse, team leader Tarani Kapoor writes about their travels into the unknown.  We’ll bring you select excerpts from her journal as ATOM Labs provides them to us.

    DIMENSION 1

    Our first jump into the multiverse was bumpy.  Even though we’ve all jumped before to a controlled pocket dimension, it is still difficult to jump into the unknown.  Jitters were in everyone, including myself, but the atmospheric conditions of the first dimension were promising.  We landed in Dimension 1.

    This world seemed quite similar to ours at first glance.  We were in an alternate version of New Romford:  skyscrapers, superheroes in the skies, humans walking dogs (and not the other way around as Karen, our doctor, insists we’ll see one day).  As far as an introductory alternate universe goes, this was ideal.

    After changing into our street clothes, we broke off into two teams to explore the city with the mission of finding out what differentiated this dimension from our own.  John, Kathleen, and Jennifer accompanied me, and Maria led the others, Karen, Samantha, and Michael.  Through our travels, it was clear that people here spoke English and had similar technology to ours.  There were slight differences in the cosmetic looks of their phones, cars, and clothing, but everything seemed to work in the same way.  Maria’s team reported similar findings.

    My group became thirsty after two hours of exploration, and since we were in a hospitable dimension, we decided to try some local drinks.  But we didn’t have money from this dimension.  To prevent Jennifer’s more extreme methods, John suggested a little ruse he used to do when he was a child.  Basically, he grifted.  I won’t go into any more detail than that, as I didn’t approve of this tactic, but it did provide us with a small amount of money.  We went into a convenience store and purchased some sodas and juice so we could compare them to what we knew from Home Dimension.

    John bought a Coke while I had a Pepsi.  Kathleen had an orange juice, and Jennifer had a coconut water.  Their two drinks tasted the same as what was found in our world, but John and I immediately recognized something off in our drinks.  For one, my Pepsi was clear.  John’s Coke didn’t taste like Coca-Cola Classic, and it dawned on him that he was drinking New Coke.  He remembered it from the 80s, and then I knew that my drink was Crystal Pepsi.  We checked the dates on the cans to make sure we weren’t drinking outdated sodas, and no, they had future dates.

    Later on, we met up with the other team and relayed our findings.  They found a similar city to our Home Dimension, but they noticed billboards for long-dead television shows, failed musical acts, and sequels to movie flops from our dimension.  The Cavemen TV show was going into its ninth season on ABC, Chris Gaines was on tour promoting his sixth album, and Snow Dogs 7 was coming out in the next few months.  It had become apparent what made this dimension different:  it enjoyed pieces of culture that failed in our world.

    Using some more of the money John “acquired” for us, we sampled food from one of the many Planet Hollywoods that were sprinkled throughout this city as if it were as popular as Applebee’s or Starbucks.  It was surreal to see so many Planet Hollywoods in New Romford, let alone seeing how busy they all were.  And that didn’t even include all the movie memorabilia on the walls from all the Snow Dog movies as well as from the apparent Pluto Nash and Battlefield Earth franchises.  As expected, the food (standard American fare) tasted awful, but the locals enjoyed it.

    Curiously, the local museums showcased fine art similar to our world, but as it was getting late, we decided to leave the question as to when cultural tastes changed to future explorers.  We found a park to camp out for the night along with hundreds of other homeless individuals.  At least this dimension doesn’t harass their homeless who sleep in the park.

  • Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

    By Muffy Borgeron

    Arleen resident, Terry Upton, was found safe today after he was sucked into a pocket dimension from a Snuggie he bought two days ago.

    ATOM Lab scientists examined the Snuggie portal in their facility with the aid of Dr. Amazing.  Upton was sucked into the portal the instant he put it on, so the scientists kept a safe distance from it, using robotic arms to handle the garment.  They detected the same ion particles found at Upton’s home and determined where the portal led.

    “It was just a matter of matching the ion signatures,” said Dr. Amazing.  “This is surprisingly easy to do once you know what you’re looking for, and it was even easier when it was a pocket dimension that we discovered 20 years ago.  We already had this thing mapped and in our database.”

    Dr. Amazing and two fellow scientists entered the Snuggie portal, tethered to our dimension.  No one has set foot in this pocket dimension for 8 years, so they came in prepared for a battle.  What they found came to a relief:  Upton was sitting on a recliner, watching DVDs of Family Matters, and eating chips on a large rock floating in a void.

    Upton explained that he fell onto the large floating rock, and he was alone.  The rock was equipped with a bed, several dressers and bookcases, a fully-stocked kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom, and a smaller rock about 100 yards into the distance housed a gym, but Upton never made it up there.  He said he looked around the place and screamed for help for the next hour.  Believing that someone would eventually come for him, he decided to relax and go through some of the DVD box sets he found.

    “I got lucky,” said Upton.  “I mean, real lucky.  I could’ve been stuck falling in an endless void until I died, but I landed in a pretty nice apartment despite the void.  Looking at that for too long made me just want to jump out into it.  It really messes with your head.  No wonder there’s so many DVD box sets here.”

    “Too bad they didn’t get anything past the 80s.  I can only watch so much Urkel, you know?”

    Dr. Amazing went through some of the belongings and discovered this space was inhabited by the portal-hopping supervillain, Jumper.  He’s known for using a cape as a portal, so it’s theorized that one of his capes was somehow sewn into a Snuggie.  How or when Jumper gained access to this pocket dimension is unknown as are his current whereabouts.  He’s currently wanted by the FBI and five states for multiple counts of larceny.

    After an examination for side effects from the pocket dimension, showing no ill effects, Upton was allowed to go home, and his boyfriend greeted him at ATOM Labs.

  • National News Roundup

    National News Roundup

    nationalnews

    By Stan Hopewell

    FORT WORTH, Texas – A herd of 50-60 wild Minotaurs stampeded through the Jacksboro Highway yesterday, causing havoc for nearly 10 miles.  It’s not known why the Minotaurs were stampeding.  The 15-foot bull-man-beasts were running at top speed into the city and weren’t speaking in a human language.  Authorities tried to stop them with their guns and a couple National Guard tanks, but nothing was able to stop them.  Dallas-area superhero, Dynamite Jack, was able to redirect the Minotaurs down highway 287, and with the help of some well-placed dynamite and ramps, he was able to explode them into Lake Arlington.  As Minotaurs are terrible swimmers, it was easy to subdue them all with elephant tranquilizers and airlift back out into the wild.  Dynamite Jack said he was investigating what caused the stampede.

    TUCSON, Arizona – After a chemical spill on Interstate 10 left 23 people in the hospital last week, a 18-month-old boy was given superpowers.  Unfortunately, for the parents, the boy’s superpowers are supersonic screams.  The parents have tried to cover up their son’s mouth as best they can as his screams can break glass 50 feet away.  They are currently at the University of Arizona, working with scientists on a way to muffle their son’s screams, and are open to suggestions from the superhero community.

    CHICAGO, Illinois – Speedster rounded up the Rhino Gang from the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) this morning after a proposed business deal went bad.  Four members of the Rhino Gang were attempting to make a legitimate business deal with an unnamed investment group when the terms of the deal went out of favor of the Rhinos.  To make matters worse, one of the human investors made a remark about rhinos going extinct, which was particularly stupid since the Rhino Gang each weigh at least 1,000 pounds.  They attacked the investors and the security guards who tried to intervene.  The police emptied the building as best they could as the Rhino Gang took hostages.  Speedster, who happened to be running through Chicago at the time, zipped in and tied up the Rhinos with an unbreakable plastic rope, which she apparently carries with her.  Somehow, no one died, but dozens were injured.  The investors were arrested along with the Rhino Gang.

    CASPER, Wyoming – The entire town of Casper vanished from the face of the Earth two days ago.  All of the roads in to the town still exist, but all of the people and buildings have vanished.  Governor Matt Mead has ordered all travelers to bypass any highway to Casper while the National Guard and scientists investigate from a safe distance.

  • Patriots Meet with Lord Demon, Beelzebub, Possibly Lose Their Souls

    Patriots Meet with Lord Demon, Beelzebub, Possibly Lose Their Souls

    beelzebub

    By Dash Hamley

    FOXBOROUGH, Massachusetts – A meeting between the New England Patriots and the Lord Demon, Beelzebub, went “okay,” according to sources inside the Patriots organization.

    It has been suspected for years that the relationship between the Patriots and Beelzebub has been more than just mutual admiration.  Beelzebub has been a long time Patriots fan, going back to their 1986 Super Bowl loss to the Chicago Bears, and head coach Bill Belichick is well known for wearing the same style hoodie the demon has been wearing since the 1870s.

    Now the Lord Demon has visited the Patriots organization personally, and team owner Robert Kraft, Belichick, and quarterback Tom Brady were reportedly all in the meeting.  Sources inside the organization would not reveal their identities, not for fear of losing their jobs but for fear of losing their souls.  But they said Beelzebub came to Gillette Stadium without an appointment and was “eerily calm and pleasant.”  Kraft turned white when they shook hands.

    The meeting lasted about 40 minutes and was punctuated by occasional bouts of deafening “screams of 1,000 lost souls” and flashes of fire that “didn’t burn the flesh but still burned nonetheless”.  After a few minutes, practically everyone in Gillette Stadium was either trying to listen in on the meeting or running out of the building for safety.  Sources who braved the screams and fire reported that Beelzebub was upset with the Patriots over the last year, supposedly referring to Deflategate, the recent report about Spygate, and the image of the Patriots organization as a whole.

    Kraft, Belilchick, and Brady were “understandably frightened” throughout the meeting as they tried to reassure Beelzebub that nothing else would “go wrong.”  They also reportedly promised to “keep their end of the bargain.” As the meeting came to a close, there was a bright flash of light in the meeting room that turned red and then black, and the stadium shook, knocking fixtures and pictures off walls.  Then Beelzebub left the meeting room, and stadium, as calm and pleasant as he did when he entered.

    Kraft and Belilchick supposedly had a third eye on their foreheads when they exited the room, but Patriots employees were later unsure about this as the eyes were clearly not on their foreheads  seconds later on security tape.  Brady seemed to be the most worried of the three but did not have a third eye.  Instead, employees said he didn’t cast a shadow for the next three hours.

    The following morning, Belilchick and Kraft would not comment on the Beelzebub meeting, and Brady was casting a shadow during practice.  They were all “eerily calm and pleasant,” according to employees and teammates.

  • Living Planet Gives Birth to Healthy Planetoid

    Living Planet Gives Birth to Healthy Planetoid

    planetsweb

    By Karna Firaliz

    MARP QUADRANT, Andromeda Galaxy – The living planet, Marp, has finally given birth to a healthy planetoid last night after going into labor 21 Earth years ago.  Marp was pregnant for the past 430 Earth years.

    Marp is a living planet with a healthy ecosystem living on its surface like most life-bearing planets.  But this planet came to be a living creature on its own at least 2 billion Earth years ago through unknown circumstances.  It was thought that living planets were unique phenomena in the cosmos with only 8 known to exist across 1,200 explored galaxies.  But with this birth, it appears there may be more, and they may be related.

    “It’s amazing and beautiful,” said Jorpo Crumguggin, a scientist living on Marp.  “Once you get used to the constant earthquakes, Marp’s labor was a sight to behold.  We could see the baby bump for miles in the southern hemisphere, and to see it expand over the centuries was astonishing.  Frightening as [expletive], but still astonishing.”

    Life on Marp has been a near constant state of earthquakes for the past 21 years, but Marpians grew accustomed to it.  They built their houses and structures to be earthquake-resistant, and their engineers are heralded as the best disaster-oriented engineers throughout the Local Group.  The non-sentient life has also evolved to accommodate the shaky surface.  Most lifeforms now have some sort of wobbly joints or shock-absorbing foot pads.

    But the 21-year earthquakes have, understandably, hurt business on Marp.  “No one wanted to come here,” said Iomop Plumduggin, a local business leader.  “I can’t blame non-Marpians, though.  It took me three years to get used to the earthquakes.  Our economy has relied largely on subsistence from other planets and leasing out our engineers.”

    “But now that Mother Marp has finally given birth, maybe things will pick up.  People will surely come to see the cute little planetoid.”

    Mother Marp’s birth has left a gigantic crater in her surface, but by all accounts, both the mother and the baby planetoid, which is residing in the planet’s orbit much like a moon, are healthy.  Scientists plan on landing on the planetoid to check for diseases and to clean it, but they want to give the mother and baby some time to themselves.

    Scientists are also eager to see if the planetoid will grow and leave its mother’s orbit in the coming centuries.  “If this is how living planets come into being,” said Crumguggin, “and for all we know, this could be the first time this has ever happened, then it’ll be interesting to see if the planetoid grows up like most lifeforms.  And if so, how long does it take?  Will it leave our orbit, or will we be pulled into two different directions by the two opposing gravitational pulls?  There are just so many fascinating questions.”

    “Also, just look how cute it is.  I just want to pinch its tiny little craters!”