The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Dinosaur Queen T-Rex Caught Trying to Escape in Cargo Container

    Dinosaur Queen T-Rex Caught Trying to Escape in Cargo Container

    mt

    By Skip Daverman

    BOZEMAN, Montana – One of the Dinosaur Queen’s T-Rexes was caught by the Rocky Mountain Ranger inside the Museum of the Rockies after traveling thousands of miles in a cargo container.

    The T-Rex, a general in the Dinosaur Queen’s army according to its armor, was apparently riding in a cargo container of a train ever since the Dino-Day Disaster in New Romford.  It was not clear how it got itself into the container in the first place, or how a 15-foot tall dinosaur evaded detection for all these weeks, but it appeared that it was trying to get to the west coast.

    The train that carried the T-Rex made a stop at the railyards in Laurel, Montana, about 10 miles west of Billings.  The train had made a routine pit stop that lasted 30 minutes when a cargo container began to twitch.  “They’re not supposed to twitch,” said Mark Engelman, the train’s engineer.  “Then it rattled and came off its base and fell on the ground, and then poof!  Out came a dinosaur!”

    Using its powerful legs, the T-Rex busted open the back end of its container and wiggled out.  Once free, it let out a thunderous roar that could be heard for miles away.  It chased after every human it saw but thankfully was too impoverished to run straight.  Witnesses said it looked hungry.  Someone fired a shotgun at it, and the T-Rex charged them, unharmed by the shotgun spray.  When the police arrived, the T-Rex ran away.

    After tearing through a local Walmart, eating half of the meat in the deli, the T-Rex busted out the back door, evading police once again.  “I’ve never seen a T-Rex run so fast,” said John Harmon, a Walmart employee.  “Then again, I’ve never seen a T-Rex run, period.  It must’ve been running 40 mph.”

    Storming through Laurel and crushing a few houses along the way, the T-Rex ran westward along I-90 for several miles before running along the Yellowstone River.  The police, highway patrol, and, by now, the National Guard were all in pursuit, but the dinosaur went down a ravine and was lost for several hours.  The Rocky Mountain Ranger rode in from stopping a Grizzly bear uprising in Wyoming to assist on the search, and his flying robot horse, Gallatin, proved more effective.  The Ranger found fresh dinosaur tracks, leading to the city of Bozeman, about 140 miles west of Laurel.

    The Ranger and the National Guard flushed the T-Rex out of the forest into the open.  Even with his unbreakable metallic lasso, the Ranger wasn’t able to hogtie the dinosaur.  It flung its tail back at the Ranger, sending the superhero backwards several hundred feet.  The T-Rex continued running, eventually making its way to the Museum of the Rockies on the Montana State University campus, where it attempted to blend in with the displays of dinosaur bones.

    “That was its mistake, partner,” said the Ranger.  “None of them varmints has any skin or muscles and whatnot.  It was more than easy to spot him.  Also, he got angry at see all them dead dino bones.  Maybe one of them was his cousin or something.”

    While Gallatin distracted the T-Rex, the Ranger snuck in from behind to hogtie the dinosaur, and this time, he was successful.  Along with some knock-out gas from his belt, the Ranger subdued the T-Rex.  The National Guard hauled the beast away, and despite the general fright experienced by the majority of residents in this small town, the Museum’s paleontologists were ecstatic.

    “I’ve never seen an actual living dinosaur before,” said Professor Mary Diaz.  “It was so exciting!  I mean, sure, I was afraid that it would eat me when it was running around, but it was a living, breathing dinosaur!  I’ve never felt so alive!”

  • Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    Vat of Chemicals Not Sound Source of Superpowers

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    ATOM Labs has released an official report of Gil Heredia’s death from falling into a vat of chemicals several months ago.  The short answer:  don’t fall into a vat of chemicals.

    Many superheroes and supervillains have been created by being exposed to a vast array of chemicals.  Speedster, Tara Target, and at least a dozen more are credited with chemical-based origin stories, and many more have been speculated upon though not confirmed.  Regardless, it is a common enough theme among superhumans that most people forget that these are isolated instances.

    “People who do gain superpowers,” said the report, “are special people or were in the right place at the right time.  It seems that a person’s genetic structure has to allow random chemicals to seep in and bond with their DNA.  Or you need to splashed with just the right combination of chemicals or at least be struck with lightning or some outside energy while being exposed to chemicals.  As one might imagine, these are both rare cases, and Heredia was not one of those cases.”

    “In conclusion, do not fall into vats of chemicals, and if you do fall into a vat of chemicals, or get splashed by chemicals, go see a doctor right away.  Do not wait for superpowers to manifest themselves or any kind of mutation to pop up.  You may gain superpowers or wings, but the likelihood is not in your favor.  Thank you.”

    In response to Heredia’s death, Lauren Paladio, safety director at ATOM Labs, has removed all walkways that go over all vats of chemicals.  “I don’t even know why we have them,” she said.  “We have robots that can monitor them.”

  • ‘X-Ray Man’ Releases X-Rays on Public after Attack by Teens

    ‘X-Ray Man’ Releases X-Rays on Public after Attack by Teens

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    Photo of Stanger (right) with an unnamed woman

     

    by Buffy Bolivar

    An East Town man with uncontrollable X-Ray vision was attacked by teenagers outside of a convenience store, causing him to release large amounts of X-Rays on the unsuspecting public.

    Daniel Stanger, 54, was sprayed with toxic sludge when he was 22 in a truck accident while living in the Industrial District.  The truck hit a series of potholes and toppled over, spraying the toxic sludge onto the eyes of Stanger, who was walking down the sidewalk at the time.  After spending three weeks in the hospital, he discovered to have X-Ray vision, and not the kind of “X-Ray vision” that allowed him to see through walls.  His X-Ray vision did the same thing that X-Ray machines did at hospitals, and for several years, Stanger was able to control his new vision and work for the hospital to pay off his medical bills.

    At age 28, Stanger wasn’t able to turn off his X-Ray vision, and he was releasing dangerous amounts of X-Rays onto people.  Doctors weren’t able to turn off his new vision, and neither could scientists at ATOM Labs.  Instead, they fitted him with lead glasses that block his X-Rays but also make him blind.  Over the years, Stanger has grown accustomed to his blindness, and his glasses are strapped securely around the back of his head to keep them in place.

    Then, punk teenagers attacked him and ripped his glasses off.

    “Daniel came into my store everyday,” said Raahi Krishnamurthy, owner of East Town King Mart on 16th Ave and Tennyson St.  “He’s a polite, considerate man, always taking the great care in where he walks.  He’s quite adept at using his cane and hearing to move around.  He’s never caused anyone any trouble.”

    After Stanger bought an iced tea and a few toiletries, he left the store and encountered three punk teenagers.  They accosted him, mocking his lead glasses.  According to Krishnamurthy, Stanger tried to be in on the joke to alleviate the situation, but that didn’t work, and one of the punk teenagers (who were dressed in “punk clothes” and had “punk haircuts” according to witnesses) ripped off his glasses.

    Stanger screamed in protest, and with his eyes briefly opened, he released massive amounts of X-Rays across 16th Ave.  Krishnamurthy, who doesn’t believe he was exposed to the X-Rays, came to his aid, hitting the punk teens with a mop.  The teens turned their attention to him while Stanger closed his eyes and frantically searched for his glasses on the ground.  A couple locals rushed to his aid, knowing both Stanger and Krishnamurthy.  They retrieved the glasses, trying to explain the situation to the punk teens, but they ran away.  Stanger put his glasses back on and called 911.

    “So many people were hit by Daniel’s X-Rays,” said Krishnamurthy.  Stanger was shaken up and did not want to talk.  “It was just for a brief instance, but it’s very dangerous.  He went up to as many people as possible to tell them what happened.  I know Daniel is more upset about it than anyone.  I feel sorry for him.”

    The NRPD is still on the lookout for the punk teens not just for punishment but for their own safety.  Stanger’s X-Rays likely hit them as well.  Ambulances were on the scene within minutes to check out victims for cell damage, but health officials are encouraging everyone from 16th Ave to 26th Ave between Milton and Crowley Streets to come to a hospital to get checked out, just to be safe.

  • Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    Report: Sacramento Kings Still Technically an NBA Team

    sacrementokings
    An artist’s rendering of what we think is the Sacramento Kings logo. We’re honestly not sure.

    By Dash Hamley

    SACRAMENTO – Surprising researchers and the public at large, the NBA team, the Sacramento Kings, still technically exist as an NBA franchise despite the myth they ceased to exist years ago.  The findings even came as a surprise to many who follow and report on the NBA.

    “I really thought they didn’t exist anymore,” said Bill Simmons of ESPN and Grantland.  “I vaguely remember them being in the Western Conference Finals one year against the Lakers and something with Shaq, but the rest is all fuzzy.”

    “Mitch Richmond?  Was that one of their players?”

    How an NBA franchise that somehow dates back to 1923 in Rochester, New York, could ever be forgotten, even by the league around it, could not be explained by the researchers.  “It’s impossible to explain,” said lead researcher, Gary Francis.  “Even other NBA players who regularly play against the Kings every year forget that they exist after they’re done playing against them.  Sometimes they forget even while playing against them.”

    Magic (not the team or the famous basketball player) was the most likely explanation for this strange forgetfulness, but the researchers called in several spellcasters to detect magic residue only to come up empty.  Then, they tried scanning players’ and reporters’ brains for any sign of memory tampering, again coming up empty.  They also checked for space-time anomalies, red-light shifts, fungal brain spores, and Sasquatch droppings, but all came back negative.

    “I have no clue how this happened,” said Francis.  “Maybe the Sacramento…Kings?  We’re talking about the Sacramento Kings, right?  That’s what’s on my notes here.  This forgetfulness must be happening to me as well.  Maybe it’s just something to do with the team.  They just haven’t left an impression on anyone in so long that people forgot they exist.”

    “I’m sorry, who were we talking about again?”

  • Kelsey Grammer Ends Hawaiian Curse

    Kelsey Grammer Ends Hawaiian Curse

    By Julia Crumpleman

    HONOLULU – After a series of strange incidents, actor Kelsey Grammer has ended the Hawaiian curse he was apparently under for a month.

    Back in May, Grammer fell into a cave while hiking with friends near his home in Hawaii.  What seemed like a minor incident led to a series of misfortunes for the actor, including stepping on dozens of rakes, insisting that his name was Dr. Frasier Crane, and, most recently, only eating tossed salad and scrambled eggs for every meal.  The source of these strange incidents was finally made clear when Grammer revealed that he had taken a Tiki idol statue from the cave and kept it with him at all times.

    “I was cursed,” the former Cheers actor said.  “I did not realize it at the time, but the Tiki idol cursed me just like it did to Greg Brady [of The Brady Bunch TV show, which did a similar story in 1972].  I did not think it was real.  It was a television show after all.”

    The former Frasier star realized the connection when his friend, Mark Platt, reminded him of the episode.  Then it was just a matter of finding an ancient Hawaiian burial ground to dispose of it to end the curse.  “After I convinced the TSA agents that I needed to bring my tossed salad and scrambled eggs with me for the five-hour flight,” said the former Hank star, “I found a native spiritual leader to direct me to the proper place, and we performed the proper ceremony.”

    “I can now say with full certainty that my name is Kelsey Grammer,” said the former Boss star, “and if I ever see another rake or eat another salad or egg again, it will be too soon.”

  • Werewolves Declare Independence from Transylvania

    Werewolves Declare Independence from Transylvania

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    By Skip Daverman

    CLUJ – In a move riding the wave of Pacifica and Asimovia, the werewolves of Translyvania have also declared their independence from the Republic of Transylvania.

    “For too long we have sat underneath the thumb of Dracula,” said Lupine Nation leader, Dinu Nicolescu.  “We have been belittled, betrayed, ignored, and harassed by a leader who claims to work for all creatures in his kingdom.  He has not done so.  First, he let the Chupacabras in, then he lowered the tax on silver.  Soon, he will surely allow the Van Helsings of the world into our borders.  Just because we don’t donate the most blood to his campaign–because we can’t or else he would turn into a werewolf, and we all know how he feels about us Lupines—he thinks he can walk all over us.  Well, not anymore.  The Lupine Nation will not have our voice drowned out by Big Blood.”

    “We declare independence from Transylvania,” he continued.  “And we will govern ourselves under the Full Moon Standard.”

    The nation of Transylvania is relatively small compared to other European nations.  Its borders have shifted countless times over the past five centuries due to war and political alliances.  The current nation is primarily covered by Romania but has a small border with Hungary and Ukraine.  Where the proposed “Lupine Nation” would reside was not answered by Nicolescu in his statement.

    Prime Minister Dracula did not immediately respond, but his office did say that they were looking into the matter.  Sources inside the Royal Palace indicated that this was a surprise to Dracula and his cabinet.  Given how fiercely Dracula has defended his borders over the past 200 years, it is not likely that he’ll let a part of his country secede in peace.

    More to come on this breaking story.

  • Report: Several Universities Are Fronts for For-Profit Football Teams

    Report: Several Universities Are Fronts for For-Profit Football Teams

    by Dash Hamley

    NEW YORK — In a recently published report investigating over 400 universities, 64% were found to be fronts for their for-profit football teams.  The NCAA declined to comment.

    The “universities,” including Auburn, Alabama, Oregon, Florida, Florida State, Northwestern, and, surprisingly, Stanford, were found to be fronts for their football teams.  The “professors,” “classes,” “dorms,” and “diplomas” were all fake as well.  None were accredited with the government, and their “professors” were actors working from scripts.  The only true purpose for these universities was to establish “college football teams” to make millions of dollars from ticket and merchandise sales and television deals.

    “How they were able to set this all up 40, 50, 60 years ago,” said college football analyst Kirk Herbstreit, “is astonishing.  College football, let alone football itself, wasn’t the huge money-making venture that it is today.  No way could they have known this that far in advance, and yet, if this report is true, that’s exactly what happened.”

    The report, conducted in secrecy, doesn’t explain how they had the foresight to execute such a plan.  Many of the universities are 100 years old and began with no sports programs let alone a football program.  It’s possible that a time traveler with an almanac went back in time, but tachyon disturbances are difficult to detect in a muddled timestream like ours.  Still, it’s not out of the realm of possibilities.

    How exactly the universities operated for so long without accreditation while also handing out diplomas and sending graduates into the workforce is even a greater conspiracy than any time shenanigans.  The report did note several expenses to five different holding companies, all residing in Newark, New Jersey.  They all reside in nondescript office buildings and don’t advertise their names on the outside of the buildings.  While the report wasn’t able to determine why these universities were paying these holding companies on a regular basis, the companies’ other clients include U.S. Senators and Congressmen.  The implication from the report is that the universities are bribing lawmakers to acquire accreditation without complying with accreditation standards.

    None of the universities named in the report commented on the accusations, but several “professors” from each have suddenly resigned and gone into hiding.  “This is an egregious breach of ethics and trust,” said college football analyst Lee Corso, while still wearing a horse mascot head over his own head for some reason.  “Nevermind the fact that they’re making millions of dollars off of more or less free labor, but they’re also handing out degrees to people who don’t deserve them.  There are doctors out there right now who got their medical degrees at these schools.  How is this even possible?”

    “That said, I can’t wait for national signing day [on February 4].  It’s going to be exciting!”