The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

Despite Testimony from Mutated Bug, Lightning Bug Sentenced to 35 Years

By Chase Chapley

After two weeks of arguments, the jury in the trial of the Lightning Bug, a.k.a. Horace Wagner, convicted him on nearly every charge against him. The judge sentenced him to 35 years in prison with possibility for parole after 10 years.

Wagner’s attorney tried to argue that his client exploded the Verzatt Estates in self-defense due to Speedster’s pursuit of him. They even brought one of Wagner’s mutated bugs up to testify, but that didn’t help their case as the bug, named “Carlos Danger” by the defense, couldn’t actually speak a human language. Wagner’s attorney seemed to be convinced that it could speak, as he was seen coaching the witness before today’s proceedings. Whatever testimony the bug was going to provide never came, and the brief testimony from Speedster last week didn’t help either. She disputed their claim that she was in the apartment at any point prior to the explosion. She also provided evidence of her whereabouts via the Peace Force GPS signal that emanates from her membership card and helmet.

The jury deliberated for only twenty minutes before dealing a guilty verdict. Three counts of property damage and the one count of battery were not included in the verdict, but that still left Wagner with a hefty jail sentence.

Wagner was escorted off to Granite Prison while “Carlos Danger” was sent away to Super Animal Prison in upstate New York.

January 27, 2015
Another Company Wants to Fast-Age Your Kids Using Alternate Dimension

By Julia Crumpelman

The fast-aging game just got some extra competition. Recently, FutureKin unveiled their business model of sending children to various future timelines to fast-age them into young adults. Now, Tomorrow World unveiled their model.

They want to send children into a time-altered dimension.

“The problem with future timelines,” said founder Darryl Montgomery, “is that they can blip out of existence just like that. Someone steps on the wrong bug today, and poof, one timeline is altered or deleted. And what happens to your kid? Who knows?”

Tomorrow World CEO Darryl Montgomery

“That’s why Tomorrow World has set up a time-altered dimension,” he said. “It’s one we control completely, and no one can change it by accident. One hundred percent safe.”

Tomorrow World is actually the name of the dimension. It has been specifically altered to increase the speed of time. One day in Tomorrow World is about two seconds in our dimension, so a year in there lasts a little over 12 minutes here. The turnaround time is longer than FutureKin, Montgomery admits, but sometimes, things are worth the wait.

“You can’t rush good work,” he said without a hint of irony or self-awareness. “Children will age 10 years in about two hours, which is just enough time to get a nice lunch. You can pick up your adult children on your own leisure.”

Tomorrow World, like FutureKin, will offer various study programs, including education, the arts, and martial arts

As before, Dr. Amazing had his concerns with Tomorrow World’s business model. “I can’t believe there are two of these things now,” he said, slumping his chair. “This is a horrible, horrible, no good idea. Fast-aging your children is such a morally questionable thing to begin with, I can’t believe people are actually floating this idea.”

“And that’s not even dealing with the time-altered dimension,” he said. “Yes, you can do that, but it’s so much work to keep that stable. I’ve created five of these dimensions in my experiments, and it takes constant vigilance just to keep them flowing at a constant rate of time. It’s very easy for these dimensions to slow down and then speed up, wildly. It could be very easy for children to go in at 10 and come out at 100, if at all.”

Montgomery wasn’t fazed by Dr. Amazing, either. “Sounds to me like he’s just jealous he didn’t monopolize it first,” he said, taking a puff of a cigar. “His loss.”

January 23, 2015
Muskrat Fights Four Supervillains on Same Day, Different Places

by Packie Williams

CARTERSON — The Muskrat, Headmaster of The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, solo adventurer, and Peace Force member, has long been one of the most active superheroes for the past 30 years. An advanced healing system and a superior learning ability have helped him master over 50 different fighting styles and nearly as many languages. He’s used his skills to defeat hundreds of supervillains and thousands of henchmen on Earth and across the galaxy.

While he’s a well-traveled hero, the Muskrat has never fought four separate supervillains on the same day, in different locations. The obvious question is how did he do it?

This morning at around 10:45 am EST, the Muskrat was seen fighting Superjock & Nerdboy with some fellow teachers and students at The Quinton School in Carterson. The supervillain team attacked the school for rejecting their admittance even though neither of them is a superhero and are both in their 30s. It’s reported that they claimed to be reformed, but that claim ran counter to their attack.

Then around noon EST, the Muskrat was seen fighting Lunar (pronounced Lu-NARRR), the Moon Pirate in New Orleans. Lunar was smuggling some unknown goods into the city when the Muskrat caught wind of his activities. The fight began at the docks but turned into a street chase through the French Quarter. The Muskrat was on his motorcycle while Lunar rode his motorboatcycle. Witnesses reported that the chase lasted until at least 1:30 pm EST (12:30 local time), concluding in an abandoned warehouse near the edge of the city. Muskrat and Lunar fought again, this time with a couple dozen pirate henchmen, ending in a massive explosion at around 2:10 pm EST. Lunar was turned over to the FBI by the Muskrat, who stayed for another half-hour to answer the authorities’ questions.

If that wasn’t enough, the Muskrat was also seen with the Peace Force in Rome fighting Julie Caesar, the supposed descendant of Julius Caesar, as she attempted a takeover of the Italian Capital Building. Using a mind control device, she was able to take over much of Parliament in an attempt to resurrect the Roman Empire. The Peace Force caught wind of the scheme and, with the Muskrat in tow, was able to fight back her robotic centurion army. The battle began at 2:15 pm EST (8:15 local time) and lasted for another three hours.

Naturally, the question is how did the Muskrat be in three separate places, thousands of miles apart, in one day. His travel methods have been the subject of many rumors over the years, most of them easily dismissed or disproven. The most common is that the Muskrat has a secret teleporting ability, but most experts believe he has access to a teleport machine courtesy of Dr. Amazing or the Peace Force.

“The counterargument to that theory,” said Juan Diego Montana, hypertravel expert with McDowell Aeronautics, “is that no other superhero has shown such a proclivity to being in multiple spots on the same day apart from known teleporters. Plus, teleporting machines are incredibly large and require huge amounts of power, which is why they’re not more common. And even the fastest of Peace Force jets get from New Romford to London in an hour.”

“Honestly,” said Diego Montana, “I wouldn’t be surprised if there were a dozen of Muskrats. Who knows how many clones of that guy are running around?” The Muskrat declined to comment on his travel arrangements or clone speculation.

January 20, 2015
Black Hemlock Sells “Diabolical” Vegetables at Farmer’s Market

File photo of Black Hemlock

by Chase Chapley

Plant-based supervillain, Black Hemlock, was arrested at a Dukes area farmer’s market today for selling “diabolical” vegetables, despite her protests that they were just organic.

The police were called in late in the morning as patrons to the Cloonyn Farmer’s Market began to recognize one of the sellers. Wearing a wide-brimmed straw hat, sunglasses, and a full length floral dress, Irma Paisley, a.k.a. Black Hemlock, was selling several baskets of unknown vegetables. “She was trying to keep a low profile,” said one witness, “but you can obviously tell who she was. No one else has ivy growing around their hair like that.”

Paisley was selling kale and zucchini but also had unknown vegetables that she labeled “broccoquats,” “Crimson funions,” and “cabberge eggs”. She claimed that they were new plant species she developed herself, and that freaked out everyone. It didn’t help that the “Dandy Lions” moved.

“She tried to convince me that they weren’t moving,” said one patron, who wished to remain nameless, “but it was clearly moving. I saw its mouth open and close. I don’t care how tasty she thinks it is roasted with some olive oil and garlic. I don’t want my vegetables screaming to death.”

When confronted by the police, Paisley explained that she had no evil plot here, but the police arrested her anyway. To her credit, she didn’t put up a fight or disrupt the rest of the farmer’s market. The police confiscated her “diabolical” vegetables (their words in their report) being careful to not get bitten by the “Dandy Lions”.

Some patrons came to her defense, though. Erin Goodheart had already tried some of her vegetables with no apparent side effects. “The broccoquats and Crimson funions were actually really good,” she said. “I’m eating them just plain, and they’re a little sweet, they’re nice and crunchy, and so far, I haven’t been poisoned or anything. I think she was really just trying to sell some new vegetables.”

Paisley’s lawyer has stated they will fight this false arrest in court, and he noted that Paisley has been a law-abiding citizen for the past three years. “She’s turned over a new leaf, so to speak,” he said. “I know this city has had many bad experiences with ‘reformed supervillains,’ but that prejudice must end now.”

Reportedly, the “Dandy Lions” are being kept in their own jail cell after they bit several other detainees in another cell.

January 16, 2015
Laika Moved to Siberia

By Skip Daverman

MOSCOW – The giant space dog Laika has been relocated to the wilds of Siberia, where she can destroy the countryside in peace without harming “anything of value”, according to the Russian government.

After destroying a farm outside of Moscow, the Russian government needed to move Laika to some other place for further study. The farm was all but destroyed, and its fields will take years of work just to make them usable again. One day, she got loose from the scientists and began marking her territory in a nearby town, nearly drowning the townsfolk. She needed to be moved to an empty expanse of land where no human would want to live.

Luckily, Russia has Siberia and lots of it. President Putin told the people of the Sakha Republic to vacate if they wish because a giant space dog was moving in. The Sakha Republic is a section of Russia with a little over 950,000 people within an area roughly one-third the size of the United States. Needless to say, it’s sparse. The Russian government hopes to contain Laika within the northern regions of Sakha as it is even more remote, which is saying something for Siberia.

This time, Ural rounded Laika into a giant carrying case and flew her to her new home. With the extra space, Laika should be able to roam freely while scientists study her, and she can chase Siberian tigers and create new slobber ponds to her heart’s content.

January 13, 2015
City Council Nixes ‘Micro-Way’ After Mutant Bacteria Attack

By Packie Williams

When Daisuke Honda, a.k.a. Micro-Man, set out to demonstrate how his “Micro-Way” would work to the city council, he never envisioned it would go quite like it did today.

Honda had been working for years on perfecting the Micro-Ray technology for common use and for everyday applications. His “Micro-Way,” essentially a miniature subway system, was going to be his first commercial endeavor, and with the streets of New Romford still largely in disarray, he figured now would be the perfect time to implement his dream.

Unfortunately, he didn’t do enough to protect his prototype, and the city council, from mutant bacteria.

This morning, Honda invited the city council to his office at ATOM Labs, where he showed off his prototype. It was a “Micro-Way” from his office to a park bench just outside of ATOM Labs. The shrinking process went off without a hitch, and the council members reportedly didn’t feel any ill effects from it. Once tiny, Honda showed off what a Micro-Station would look like with fake plastic store fronts and two Micro-Trains. At normal size, this all fit into the area of a shoe box, but at micro-size, it was the size of a normal subway station.

Then, they boarded the Micro-Train and fastened their seat belts. The trip to the “station” out by the park bench also went off without a hitch, lasting one a couple minutes to make the 200-foot journey. Honda remarked that the speed of the train can vary depending on express and local trains, and it’d still be easy to install dozens of train lines alongside a single street, and that’s when the mutant bacteria broke into the Micro-Station.

How it got in is still unclear, but Honda grabbed his laser gun and fought them off. One bacteria swallowed up a council member (who wished to remain anonymous), and Honda had to cut him out with his laser sword. But the bacteria horde began to overwhelm them and blocked their escape either back to Honda’s office or to the reverse Micro-Ray gate. They would’ve been killed if it weren’t for the last minute heroics of Krok, who had been hiding in the grass above the station all day.

Together, Krok and Honda were able to defeat the mutant bacteria horde, but the attack ended any hope of the “Micro-Way” becoming a reality anytime soon. Honda could not be reached for comment, and the city council only remarked that they “would be going in a different direction, probably one where people won’t get swallowed by mutant bacteria.”

Krok grunted and flew away on a dragonfly.

January 9, 2015
Planet Harulia Loves Earth Culture for This Weird Reason

by Karna Firaliz

HARULIA — A distant planet in the Crab Nebula has just received some of the first early television transmissions ever projected from Earth (with the aid of neighboring spaceways), and they reportedly love Earth culture. And Earthlings may not like the reason.

“These Earthlings are just talking Plaqars!” said one Harulian on their version of the internet. “My Grobnar, are you kidding me? Earthlings are actually Plaqars? That ups the fondul, positive!”

While the intricacies of Harulian slang are difficult to explain to non-Harulians, Plaqars are not. On Harulia, one of the non-sentient animals is a human-looking creature called a Plaqar. It crawls around on its four limbs, climbs trees, hangs down from the limbs when it urinates or defecates (oftentimes onto the vehicles of the Harulians), and is generally an annoying pest. They are one of the most hated animals on the planet, and they just happen to look exactly like a Caucasian Human from planet Earth.

“Pop pop pop!” said another Harulian, using their favorite slang version of “LOL”. “This is hilarious! Earth is actually run by walking, talking Plaqars? How have they not been conquered yet? For serious, Grobnar, juice them, positive fondul!”

“I’ve always thought Plaqars were cute,” said one Plaqar-loving Harulian, a small but vocal group of Plaqar-rights activists. “Their smooth, hairless bodies and weird grabby hands, I love them! I’ve had one as a pet, and once you train them not to [expletive] on your vehicle, they’re really quite grooval. Positive!”

Coincidentally, Harulians look exactly like giant walking, talking Earth rats, but they don’t seem fazed when told this. “We are whatever those things are called,” said an anonymous Harulian. “And I don’t feel any remorse for laughing at these dumb talking Plaqars. For serious, are these things real? The Jolophins aren’t pulling a prank on us with this fondul, right?”

The Jolophins, by the way, look like giant walking, talking Earth cats and have been at odds with Harulia for centuries.

January 6, 2015