The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • New Romford Up to 60% Capacity

    New Romford Up to 60% Capacity

    By Buffy Bolivar

    City officials have released figures estimating that New Romford is now running up to 60% capacity following the Dino-Day Disaster several weeks ago.

    All sewer lines have been repaired, and water and power have been returned to nearly the entire city.  Some of the older parts of Downtown, Bexton, and Dukes are still without full services.  Water and power are expected to be returned to everyone by the end of the week.

    The majority of main roads have been repaired for traffic, but most side streets are still unusable.  City officials estimate it could take the next several months to a year to repave the streets.  Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs are building machines to help repair the streets in less time.  “Nothing too fancy,” Dr. Amazing said.  “Just some drones to strip the streets and to pour cement in one fell swoop.  No AI (artificial intelligence) in them, so they won’t turn evil.”

    The bridges on the other hand will take several years to repair, especially the 4th Ave Bridge and the Judith Bridge.  They both collapsed during the disaster, and given their historic nature, there are likely to be legal battles.  “Already there’s talk about how to improve them,” said one unnamed city official.  “They need better structural support, but we got to do it in a way that preserves their history.  That’s going to be a challenge.”

    Most businesses have reopened to some degree, but many may not even reopen.  The 300 block of 24th Ave was hit especially hard, and the costs to rebuild everything, in some cases the entire building, may be too much for business owners.  Keiko MacNamara of Keiko’s Treats lost everything.  “I lived above my bakery and came down to work everyday,” she said.  “Now the whole building is just gone.  I just don’t know what I’m going to do.”  Right now, MacNamara is staying with relatives in Norwoods.  She’s hoping her insurance will help pay for a new bakery in another building, but that could take months.

  • Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    Intergalactic Super Spaceway Being Discussed Between Galaxies

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN PLANET – An intergalactic super spaceway is being discussed between seven empires across four galaxies.  If this project is completed, it would be the largest known transportation route in the known universe.

    The JNNKO Empire on ANNNKN Planet is proposing the super spaceway, dubbed SS1.  The JNNKO Empire spreads over 200 star systems in the Andromeda Galaxy and is by far the richest empire in the Local Group (a cluster of galaxies including the Milky Way and Andromeda as well as several smaller galaxies).  Currently, they use a system of spaceways between their planets and neighboring empires, but they are growing old and worn out, and they have begun to gather stray asteroids.  SS1 would create a gigantic open spaceway that would replace many of those old systems and also connect the Andromeda and Milky Way Galaxies.

    But there are several obstacles.  The first is cost.  Clearing out space in outer space should be inexpensive as there is a lot of empty space in outer space.  But these old spaceways aren’t very empty.  There’s heavy traffic between planets, military space stations, satellites, moons, space debris, asteroids, and comets, not to mention dark matter.  They all take up space, and any new spaceway, especially one as large as SS1, would have to secure even more space.

    Right now, the JNNKO Empire is offering to pay for one-fourth of the cost, which is no small feat considering the empire is deep in debt.  The 34th Xim Empire at the outer edge of the Andromeda Galaxy is on board with the project, but they are even more in debt than the JNNKOs.  The Mongolians (an empire who share a name with an Earth nation by coincidence) of the Pegasus Galaxy is also hesitant to spend money on a JNNKOian project after the previous JNNKOian emperor, PLNNNKO, vomited at one of their state dinners.  Vomiting Mongolian food is a serious faux pas in their society, and relations between the two empires has been rocky ever since.

    The second obstacle is the proposed route for SS1.  Right now, it would involve destroying several moons across 26 different solar systems, and conservationists have been voicing their grievances.  Several moons have ecosystems of their own along with endangered species.  Klop 5 of planet Succop is home to the last living Miketan, a self-replicating 60-foot tall animal that resembles an Earth panda.  They replicate once every 20 years, and the last Miketan hasn’t replicated in 8 years.

    The final obstacle will, of course, be the S’Tok Planet.  The S’Toks’ religion involves a unique form of solipsism.  They believe every other planet other than their own exists solely within their minds and not reality, despite the fact they’ve interacted with the JNNNKOs and Mongolians on a daily basis for centuries.  Getting them to invest in SS1 will be difficult.  Any treaty will have to include a provision that all over planets apart from S’Tok don’t actually exist, and that provision will probably have to be written by an S’Tok.

    Negotiations are expected to last for the next two or three Earth years.  SS1 would essentially connect over 6,000 planets across four galaxies.  It is projected to generate and extra 35% is GDP for each empire over the next Earth century.

  • ATOM Labs Scientists Get Stuck in New Adhesive

    ATOM Labs Scientists Get Stuck in New Adhesive

    By Muffy Borgeron

    It was the stickiest of sticky situations at ATOM Labs last night, and that can be scientifically proven, too.

    A team of three scientists, Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll, have been developing a new adhesive for the past five years using recently discovered compounds from outer space.  Yesterday, they tested a new batch of their adhesive with the hope of using it in building materials to prevent damage from storms and supervillains.  After a few successful small scale tests, they tried a large scale test of pasting two steel girders together.

    “And it worked,” said project supervisor, Daryl Freeman.  “Those girders held together all right.  They were just glued together.  No bolts or anything.  Unfortunately, the adhesive worked too well.”

    The mechanical arms used during the stress test broke, swinging the steel girders over the heads of the three scientists.  The girder broke open the remaining vat of adhesive, spraying it all over the room.  Michaelson, Detroit, and Doll were caught in the spray, and they were glued to the control panel.  The adhesive hardened within seconds.

    “Thankfully, they were all safe,” said Freeman.  “Dr. Detroit is in an awkward position, but Drs. Michaelson and Doll are up against their backs.  Got to be thankful for small miracles, I suppose.  The glue could’ve gotten over their faces.”

    ATOM Labs crew members tried their best to crack apart the harden glue, but nothing worked.  Then, they brought in lasers, atom smashers, and even acid to try and break through, but again, nothing worked.  After six hours of attempts, Freeman called it a night and ordered food for the scientists.  Their families were allowed to spend the night in the lab.

    “All in all, they’re in good spirits,” said Freemen, who declined media requests to interview the scientists.  “Could be worse.  But maybe we can get Dr. Amazing or Adonis in here to see what they can do.”

  • Dual-Star System Declares Itself Its Own Galaxy

    Dual-Star System Declares Itself Its Own Galaxy

    Regis5web

    by Karna Firaliz

    GRAND AR’KA QUADRANT — In a surprising and puzzling move from the Grand Ar’ka quadrant of the Andromeda Galaxy, the dual-star solar system of Regis-5 has formally declared itself to be its own galaxy.

    “We have multiple stars and multiple planets,” read the declaration from the Council of Regis-M’Ka, “so by definition, we meet the requirements of galaxy status.  From this day forward, we respectfully ask that everyone refer to us by the Regis-5 Galaxy.”

    The definition of galaxy in the universal dictionary does state “a galaxy is any system of multiple stars and multiple planets that inhabit a large universal space.”  Indeed, the Regis-5 solar system does have two stars at its heart and 14 planets, and it is at least four times as large as the Earth’s solar system, but convincing other planets to call it a galaxy is going to be difficult.

    “This is stupid,” said Prince Ko Mak Oh of the Loq Kingdom, a neighbor of the Regis-5 system.  “Are they serious?  These Regis-5 morons are the stupidest stupid hogs that ever hogged*.”

    Prince Oh’s sentiments were shared by many regents in the Andromeda Galaxy but more eloquently stated.  Queen Orfeel of the Trimorians called it “a ridiculous notion by an inferior star system.”  Prime Minister Y’lop of Hrink said that Regence-5 was “attempting a power-grab of some sort” and “at best, this is just a rebranding.”  And the Cortasi Grand Leader, who remains nameless, said, “I don’t care what they call themselves.  I will eat out their eyes if they come near me**.”

    The consensus among the rest of the Andromeda Galaxy is that Regis-5 is rebranding their solar system as a marketing strategy.  The economy of the system has been declining in the past decade, and galaxies tend to bring in greater economic opportunities than single solar systems.  “It’s a brilliant idea,” said Makii Q, economist from Loq Kingdom Academy of Hogs***.  “Businesses want to brag about how many galaxies they are in, and this could be an easy hog for them to plunder with very little overhead.”

    Currently, there is no committee or pangalactic council that designates what is and what isn’t a galaxy.  If the new designation sticks, several more solar systems may follow suit.  “Then what?” said Prince Oh.  “Everyone’s going to be a hogging galaxy?  Hey, guess what, my hand is a galaxy now!  My [expletive] is galaxy!  My six [expletives] are now the [expletive] Galaxy of Prince Oh’s [expletives]!”

     

    * The Loq language is difficult to translate to English.  The word “hog” here is an approximation of the original word.
    ** The Cortasi are an aggressive race that only eat eyes for food.
    *** The Loq language contains words not found in English, so “Hogs” in this case is the closest assemblage of sounds for this word.

  • Japan Denies ‘Robot Island’ Legitimacy

    Japan Denies ‘Robot Island’ Legitimacy

    robotislandsm

    By Stan Hopewell

    TOKYO – The Japanese government has formally rejected the legitimacy of “Robot Island” as a separate nation in a statement released today.  “Hashima belongs to the State of Japan,” read the statement, “and it unilaterally rejects the secession of Hashima to robots.”

    Despite being a leader in robotics, both normal and giant-sized, Japan still holds on to its centuries-old traditions, particularly the human-based ones.  They invented the first robotic armor and perfected cybernetic limbs, but robots and cybernetics are not very common in everyday life in Japan, and giant robot-monster fights are rare.  The only real robotic activity is found in Tokyo, Yokohama, and Osaka, and that’s mostly in a military or university setting.

    Still, the declaration of independence of robots and androids has shocked not only Japan but the world.  China and Korea denounced Robot Island’s legitimacy as well, and the similar wording of their official statements to Japan’s shows perhaps a united front.  After all, they are the closest nations to Hashima.

    The rest of the world has shown a mixed response.  The United States seemed to be on the fence.  “While we respect the right of every sentient being to self-governance,” said the American statement, “we also respect the right of Japan to govern their people and land.  We hope that both sides can come to an agreement so that they can all live together peacefully.”  Most European nations released similar statements to the United States.

    Robotron 8.5, the apparent leader of Robot Island, did not respond, and there has been almost no response from the entire island.  When contacted by a Japanese battleship using signal lamps, all the ship received was a message that read “404” on repeat.

  • Another Future Muskrat With Dire Warnings Shows Up in Present

    By Packie Williams

    muskratweb
    File photo

    Ever since the invention of time travel in 1976, people have been using it to give dire warnings of future events to the past.  Today, another future version of the superhero Muskrat has shown up in Tompkins Square proclaiming doom and gloom for the future.  It’s the 12th future Muskrat to date.

    For some reason, Future Muskrat 12 had a braided beard flowing from under his mask and wore multiple necklaces and body armor.  He appeared in a blaze of light in the middle of Tompkins Square and got into a scuffle with the NRPD.  He fired laser guns at the officers and demanded to speak to his younger self.

    While Present Muskrat was en route from The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, Titana dropped in from the sky to have a word with the time traveler.  Apparently, this upset Future Muskrat 12.  He began firing his laser guns at Titana.  They fought for a couple minutes, throwing park benches and food carts at each other.  Present Muskrat jumped from his private jet along with a couple of his students and landed in between the battle.

    The Present and Future Muskrats had a conversation, though no word from the Peace Force or The Quinton School as to what was discussed.  After a minute of talking, Titana grabbed both of the Muskrats and flew them back into the jet while the students stayed behind to help clean up the mess.

    The Peace Force has a standard protocol they follow when a Future Visitor with Dire Warnings (a FVDW for short) comes to the present.  The FVDW is taken to the Peace Force Headquarters for evaluation and authentication, and then the FVDW has to fill out several forms about the dire warning.  The Peace Force is rumored to have a storage room dedicated to nothing but dire warnings.  Once the FVDW is authenticated as being a true time traveler, and their dire warning notarized, they are allowed to stay no more than three contiguous days in the present.  Then, they must head back to their present one way or another.

    The Peace Force is not required to disclose the contents of the dire warnings due to the sensitivity of the information, but the President and select world leaders are notified of each FVDW.

  • Stock Photo Warehouse Burns Down, Loses Cache of Ridiculous Pics

    Stock Photo Warehouse Burns Down, Loses Cache of Ridiculous Pics

    By Skip Daverman

    BALTIMORE – Stupendous Photos, a stock photo warehouse, caught fire last night and burned down to the ground despite the efforts of the Baltimore Fire Department.  More than 125,000 photos, some dating back to the 1950s, were lost.

    Shane Macklemore, owner of Stupendous Photos, said most of the stock photos weren’t scanned into their computers.  “It’s just a shame,” he said.  “We had some really great photos from the 50s and 60s.  Vintage.  We had your classic husband returning home to his adoring wife photos, your businessman drinking a martini with a woman on his lap photos, and even your rare husband spanking his wife like a child photos, which apparently was a thing back then.  They aren’t too popular these days, but they were really well shot and popular back in the day.”

    Most of Macklemore’s business came from selling stock photos to online advertisers.  Many of the images are generic so they can be used in as many ads as possible, but there were just as many that were unique and specific for more adventurous ad agencies.  Those were stored on databases inside the warehouse and were also destroyed.

    “We had so many great photos,” said Macklemore.  “We had a police officer holding a radar gun.  That was our biggest seller because it scared people into clicking the ad for just about anything.  We also had a gentleman with absurdly gigantic muscles, photoshopped, and that was also a big seller.  But I always liked the quirky ones, like the woman with an egg in her mouth, the conjoined twins on the swing set in Hell, the Dalai Lama punching a supervillain, and my personal favorite, the elderly man dressed in a robe with the third eye in his forehead.  That guy was real.  No photoshop there.  It was really only used for male enhancement ads for some reason.”

    “It’s a real shame,” he continued.  “The world’s going to be deprived of so many unique stock photos on their favorite websites, assuming they don’t use an ad blocker already.  These were real works of art.”

    Fortunately for Macklemore, many of the images were stored online via their web host, and his insurance will cover most of the damages.  He also plans to replenish his stock photo cache as soon as possible.

    “I’m hopeful for the future,” he said.  “I know exactly the stock photo that represents that hope.  It’s one with an elephant standing on a box with wings flying through the sky while holding a baby in its trunk by the diaper.  It’s kind of an inside joke, but trust me, it makes perfect sense.”