The New Romford Free Press

Author: Greg

  • Rescue Marks Meyers’s 30th Adonis Save

    Rescue Marks Meyers’s 30th Adonis Save

    adonismichelleweb
    File photo

    By Falco Rockbert

    Yet again, Michelle Meyers was rescued by Adonis last night, marking her 30th save by New Romford’s Favorite Son.  It ties the record for most saves of one person by one superhero.

    Meyers, formerly of the New Romford Sentinel, now with Channel 9 News, didn’t have much to say about tying the record.  She was held hostage by the Master of Disaster and his henchmen, again, at the Grainger Aerospace Research Facility in Jamestown.  The MoD was apparently trying to steal experimental spaceship materials when Meyers came across them.  They tied her up above an active jet engine and lowered her down towards it.  For some reason, they didn’t use their guns to shoot her.

    Just as she was about to be skewered by the engine, Adonis swooped in to save her.  Once she was safe, Adonis went on to defeat the MoD and his henchman in less than a minute.  Meyers and Adonis reportedly had a tense talk afterwards before they flew away.

    When asked about the incident this morning, Meyers said, “No comment.”  When asked about tying the record for most saves by one superhero, she laughed and said, “It’s not a record I really want to hold, but it happens, I guess.”

    Meyers is currently tied with Judy Jenson, reporter for the New York Times from 1956 to 1981.  She was saved 30 times by the superhero Empire Man.

  • The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® Puts Twin Cities to Sleep

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    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – After several weeks of interminable bickering, the sentient mouths of the Twin Cities have finally been put to sleep by The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo®.

    Since the giant mouths started yelling at each other, scientists from all over the world have been lending their support in finding out what exactly made the Twin Cities sentient and rowdy.  No one could come up with an answer.  “It was clearly not the work of man,” said The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® in his typical boisterous stage voice, “but the work of a madman.  And I do not mean Jon Hamm.”

    While everyone understood what he meant, he went on to explain that he had been on another plane of existence for the past three months, and when he returned to hear of Minnesota’s plight, he “smelled the stink of dark, delirious, and demented dealings with the Devil.”  In other words, it was Nilrem, the evil mirror image of the ancient sorcerer, Merlin.  “Do you not see?” he said.  “This is his handy work.  To sow disruption, discord, and disaster in the most insane, insidious, inane way known to madman.  Clearly it was him!”

    Thankfully, The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® got to the Twin Cities just in time.  They had somehow developed hands, and Minneapolis was whipping the Mississippi River at St. Paul.  How it was able to grab hold of a river and use it as a whip is also not known, but it was probably magic.  St. Paul retaliated by throwing Pickerel Lake at Minneapolis.  Again, magic.

    The Magnificent Magician, Magicimo® put a sleeping spell on both cities, and then gave a lengthy speech filled with alliteration to the authorities and press.  Once he left to search for Nilrem, the Twin Cities were eerily quiet for nearly ten minutes.  Everyone who attended his speech in Mankato remained silent, relishing the first real silence in weeks, but it was short lived.  It turned out that Minneapolis snores.

  • Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

    Jim Harbaugh Follows Strict Whining Regimen in Offseason

    By Dash Hamley

    SANTA CLARA – San Francisco 49ers head coach, Jim Harbaugh, has much to prepare for in the offseason:  refining his program, indoctrinating rookies and new players, and planning the practice schedules.  Most of his work is to lead the team, but during the offseason, Harbaugh does something for himself.  He keeps up a strict whining regimen.

    “It’s just one of the things that’s part of my game,” said Harbaugh.  “First thing I do when I get into my office, after emails and whatever else, is get down on the floor and start whining.  It’s practice, just like my players do.”

    Whining is one of the most integral parts of Harbaugh’s game.  His screams, flops, and non-existent fuse have produced the biggest tantrums on the sidelines since he joined the NFL.  Every call against his team, no matter how small, causes him to fly off the handle, and it’s all a strategy.

    “It’s all about gamesmanship,” he said.  “If there’s some way to influence the refs to get one, maybe two calls to go my way, then, hey, that could mean the difference between winning and losing.  I’ll make a damn fool out of myself at any chance that I can.”

    Harbaugh’s regimen starts out with basic stretches to loosen up his muscles.  He follows that with 30 upward arm swings, 30 clipboard tosses, 30 tantrum jumps, and 30 belly flops.  Once that is done, he screams for 10 one-minute intervals.  If he has time, he ends the regimen with rolling across the floor back and forth in front of his office for 10 laps.  Sometimes, he asks his assistant to throw a yellow flag in front of him at random times during practice.

    “I need to keep vigilant,” he said.  “I need to keep up with my players.  I don’t let them slack off, so neither can I.”

    So far, his tantrums on the field haven’t reversed any calls, but it’s impossible to determine if his whining had any influence on the referees.  Still, that won’t deter Jim Harbaugh from acting like a spoiled brat at any chance he gets.

    “I will do whatever I can to help my team win.  Hell, I’ll wear a bib and a pacifier around my neck if it helps.  I have no shame.”

  • Asteroid Starts to Crack

    Asteroid Starts to Crack

    By Skip Daverman

    MOSCOW – The giant asteroid outside of Moscow, now several thousand feet wide, is starting to crack.  A mysterious yellow light is glowing from the cracks, and an audible groaning sound is coming from the creature inside the rock.

    Russian officials have set up a perimeter several miles away from the asteroid, and superhero Ural has been on guard all day.  No one is speaking to the press largely because no one knows what’s going to happen.  Space monsters have visited Earth, usually hitting Japan for some reason, and they tend to come equipped with poisoned claws, toxic breath, or “fleas” the size of humans.  President Putin is said to be monitoring the situation very closely in case he may need to intervene, personally.

    For the past few days, residents have reported a stark increase in headaches, nightmares, and visions, supposedly psychic residue from the creature.  One man said that he saw the inside of a space ship and what looked to be the moon.  Another man reported seeing Saturn but with the distinct impression that he was passing the ringed planet not towards Earth but away from it.  One woman kept wanting to “get my tail”.

    The asteroid’s “hatching” seems to be imminent and probably destructive.  No evacuation order has been given, but that’s not stopping some residents.  “I can’t take the nightmares anymore,” said one man who wished to remain nameless.  “I dream about cosmic rays and pain every night.  Then darkness and nothing.  Endless nothing.  I don’t want to be anywhere near that thing.”

  • Titan Adds Rings to Saturn to Make It Look ‘More Fit’

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    By Karna Firaliz

    TITAN, Saturn – The inhabitants of Saturn’s moon, Titan, has begun adding rings to its host planet in an effort to make Saturn look “more fit and less fat”.

    The Titans have always been an image conscious planetoid, according the project director, Fayance Digoro.  “We, Titans, always want to look the best,” she said.  “We’re always on the cutting edge of fashion in the Milky Way, and quite frankly, Saturn is need of a makeover.  So what do you do with a makeover?  Why, you accessorize, darling!”

    Digoro has imported the shiniest rocks from the asteroid belt and embedded them with even more shiny rocks so that “they will sparkle throughout the cosmos”.  Once they have been buffed 77 times (per Digoro’s demands), they are added the outer-most ring of Saturn.  The beautification project is expected to take over four Earth years to complete and cost millions of Titan dinars.

    But not every Titan is supportive of the project.  “We have schools and hospitals to build,” said vocal opposition leader, Gravity Plom Plom.  “Our roads are rotting, and the spaceway we’re building to Earth and Mars still hasn’t gotten past Jupiter.    We have other concerns apart from making Saturn look thinner.  Just ridiculous.”

    Digoro hasn’t been fazed by the criticisms.  “Honestly, darling, they need a self esteem boost,” she said.  “Plus, once we make Saturn so much more beautiful, this will make Titan the best place for tourism.  We’ll have the best view of the shiniest rings on the thinnest planet out there!  The money generated from this will pay for everything else.”

    It should be noted that the sentient species of Saturn and the other moons were not consulted for this project.  Saturnians, a less-developed race, said they didn’t think they looked fat but will now watch what they eat in the future.

  • Mysterious Thefts Continue Even After Dino-Day Disaster

    Mysterious Thefts Continue Even After Dino-Day Disaster

    By Packie Williams

    In what can only be described as adding insult to injury, the mysterious thefts plaguing the neighborhoods of Dukes have continued even after the Dino-Day Disaster.

    Andrew and Marshall Parks of Essex Town reported that their house was damaged in the Disaster, but nothing of value was missing.  “We were just getting settled in,” said Andrew.  “We patched up part of the roof and made sure our doors and windows locked like normal, and then we wake up this morning to find that all our jewelry and money was missing.  And the doors and windows were still locked.”

    Several houses in Essex Town reported similar thefts, all on the same night.  The NRPD are now investigating this as a superhuman crime spree.  “That’s the most likely conclusion,” said Police Commissioner Trombeau.  “Everything points to a superhuman using his or her powers to invade these homes and steal money and valuables from unsuspecting residents.  Whether or not last night’s thefts have any connection to the other series of supposed thefts from the past couple months cannot be determined at this time.  One of the perpetrators could a man with a mind-control device on his head, and the other could be a smoke monster with psychotropic powers.  It’s difficult to tell.”

    A ghost has also been proposed as a possible suspect as some currently inhabit the city, and they may be vengeful, as ghosts generally are.

    Regardless, who or whatever has committed these thefts clearly doesn’t care about the recent Disaster these residents have experienced.  “I mean, we were some really tiny dinosaurs,” said Marsha Parks.  “Really really tiny.  It was all we could do to not get squished.  And now, we think we’re out of the woods, and this happens.”

    “Sometimes I wonder why we still live in this city.”

  • Transforming into Dinosaur Did Not Help ‘Normal Man’

    Transforming into Dinosaur Did Not Help ‘Normal Man’

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals several weeks ago, is still in critical condition, and transforming into a dinosaur didn’t help his recovery.

    When the Dino-Day Disaster happened, Heredia, who has been on life support at ATOM Labs, was changed into a Deinonychus.  The scientists monitoring him did not notice any change in his vital signs or any new superpowers.  “We thought, ‘Oh, this is going to trigger something finally,’” said lead biologist Carlos Montero.  “We thought that he was going to get dinosaur powers or at least stay transformed as a dinosaur.  Finally, he’d be on the upswing.  But nothing.”

    “It’s like he doesn’t want superpowers.”

    After the Dino-Ray was shut down, Heredia, along with everyone else at ATOM Labs, turned back to human.  Heredia’s injuries had remained during his transformation, and briefly becoming a dinosaur didn’t seem to accelerate his healing ability either.  “It was just the same old, same old,” said Montero.  “If anything, being turned into a dinosaur only made things worse.  Poor guy.”

    Heredia’s family, who have asked for privacy throughout the matter, have seemed more distraught than normal.  With his recent downturn, those closest to the family get the sense that Heredia may pass away soon, unless of course he develops superpowers, but that seems unlikely.