***BREAKING NEWS***
Everyone in New Romford, at least Downtown, has been transformed into a dinosaur by some kind of energy beam.
The extent is not known yet as this has just happened. Our communication systems are spotty at the moment. If you can read this, we will work to bring you the up-to-the-moment news on this unusual event.
More to come…
By Buffy Bolivar
The nanite rampage at the Quinton School for Young Superheroes is finally over. Professor Stratosphere, with assistance from ATOM Labs and Dr. Amazing, were able to find the cause of the nanites’ malfunction and stopped their ceaseless building last night.
“It turns out there was some malicious code in their programming,” said Professor Stratosphere. “I won’t say for certain where the code came from, but I have some guesses on who could’ve put it in there. One of our many enemies to be sure.”
It had been three weeks since the rampage had begun as the nanites kept building new structures after the Pop Man attack on the day the school reopened. The nanites crept to the school’s property line, threatening the residents of Carterson with gargoyle statues and spikes. Faculty and students had been destroying buildings on a regular basis to slow them down, and they even got some of the residents to help out.
Finally, the ordeal is over, and many of the students are relieved to be able to rest. “It’s just been a lot of busy work,” said Jason Mirth, a.k.a. Stone Fist. “My hands hurt. I think I’m going to sleep for a week.”
Before, the residents had to deal with all the noise of the destruction, but now that it’s over, there’s an eerie quiet in town. “It’s really weird,” said Wanda Platt. “Everyone had to speak up and yell, basically, to talk for the past week or so. We all just got used to it. Now, it’s really quiet, and no one wants to break the silence.
“But I’m glad it’s over. I just hope I can get to sleep tonight without all the white noise.”
By Falco Rockbert
NEW YORK – While avoiding serious charges for his faulty psychic detector stunt, Donald Trump caused a blackout in New York City and New Jersey yesterday while powering up his Trump Portal Detector.
Continuing his fruitless pursuit to prove President Obama is an imposter, Trump was building a portal detector in his Trump Tower. The aim was to determine if Obama was from another dimension and to undermine his eligibility for president. Beings from alternate dimensions are closely monitored by the U.N. and the global science community at large, and such beings emit an “aura” of ionic residue that is different from our dimension, which makes them easy to detect. No one has raised any concerns about President Obama or his staff, yet that hasn’t convinced Trump.
“Of course, they’re going to say they’re clean,” said Trump. “They’re in cahoots with one another. Only me and my Trump Portal Detector are truly independent, and I can assure the American people that I will get to the bottom of this.”
Then Trump turned on his machine and shorted out the power grid of New York and northeastern New Jersey. Thankfully, it was in the middle of the day, so damage was minimal, though several traffic accidents were reported. Remembering the blackout of 2003, most New Yorkers took the inconvenience in stride. Needless to say, the Trump Portal Detector didn’t work.
Power was eventually returned within hours, and New York and New Jersey got back to work. Trump wouldn’t comment after the incident, and the NYPD is reportedly investigating this as a misdemeanor.
By Dash Hamley
MOUNT WHITNEY – John Madden, the evil warlock who’s been terrorizing professional football players for years, was finally defeated in his castle atop the highest peak in California.
A coalition of former and current athletes, who were featured on the cover of the Madden NFL video game series, finally broke through the magical barrier around Madden’s mountaintop castle in a fierce battle that lasted eight hours, according to eye witnesses from the ground. The coalition was led by Dante Culpepper, who was featured on the 2002 edition of the popular video game. “I have been waiting so long for this day,” he said, his eyes glowing red as his hatred fueled his mystic powers. “I waited all my life to play in the NFL, and his curse ended my dreams. It was through many hours of soul searching and deep meditation that I was able to obtain the mystic might needed to fell this foe.”
Madden, the former Oakland Raiders coach and NFL icon, had beaten back would-be heroes for years now, cackling with laughter after each victory, maintaining a high winning percentage as he did while coaching. But today muddied up the statistic, and his fire demons were no match for Culpepper and his coalition.
The team included Garrison Hearst (from the 1999 cover and first to be cursed), Shaun Alexander (2007), Vince Young (2008), Peyton Hillis (2012), and Aaron Rodgers, even though he’s never been on the cover. “When EA started letting the fans vote [for who’d be on the cover],” said Rodgers, “I’ve been near the top four in each year. Thankfully, the Green Bay fans voted against me, but I didn’t want to take any chances.”
“We had to stop this monster.”
While Culpepper had developed his own mystic powers, the other coalition members helped in their own way. Rodgers, who still plays football, threw green-energy bombs, handed to him by Hillis, at the fire demons with pinpoint accuracy. Young used his great speed from his cybernetic legs to confuse the castle troops while Hearst, the weapons expert and supplier for the group, used his katanas. Culpepper burst into the inner sanctum to do battle with the evil warlock. Madden’s incantations could be heard from miles around as residents as far away as Las Vegas could hear him yell “Boom!” They traded blows for nearly twenty minutes until Madden was finally defeated by Culpepper. Reportedly, his last words were a repetition of “Favre,” probably a failed incantation to make a comeback.
With Madden now defeated, the Curse could finally be lifted. “Or so we hope,” said Culpepper. “He was a dastardly villain. This Curse may still exist for some time after his death. Surely, it will weaken, but all we can do now is pray and rejoice.”
By Julia Crumpleman
Today’s question comes from Doris:
Dear Julia, what’s the difference between an alternate timeline and an alternate dimension? I keep hearing it on the news, but they don’t explain it very well, and nothing on the internet helps me. Are they different from parallel universes? Thank you kindly.
Ah, that’s a tricky one, Doris. I’ll be the first to admit that I don’t quite understand it all myself. Dr. Amazing has a web-series that tries to explain all about the multiverse and the space-time continuum, but most of it flies over my head. (It also doesn’t help that Dr. Amazing seems to only speak in eight-syllable words when discussing physics, but that’s another thing entirely.)
But I do know enough that I think can help. Basically, alternate timelines exist within our universe while alternate dimensions/parallel universes (which are the same thing more or less) are not our universe. An alternate timeline is when some event in history went a different way which altered the course of our universe.
For instance, Hellena was just in the news recently, and she’s an alternate timeline version of Titana. In Hellena’s timeline, Napoleon had conquered all of Europe and drove the Amazons into Hades. Then, she sacrificed herself to save her people and became possessed by demons (hence the horns, red skin, and impractical clothing). One of Titana’s adventures brought her to this timeline, and somehow Hellena followed her to our timeline. Hellena can’t return to her world unless our timeline is changed to resemble hers, which is another difference between the two.
Alternate dimensions can exist completely on their own. They run by themselves, and without a portal generator, we can’t change their universes. Think of one as being about space and the other being about time. It can get tricky sometimes, I know, since alternate dimensions can act almost exactly like alternate timelines, but it’s really about self-sustainability. Apparently, there’s some variation between alternate dimensions and parallel universes, but then we’re delving into the deep, deep stuff. I recommend reading some of Dr. Amazing’s books for further illumination.
Happy trails, Doris!
By Buffy Bolivar
The “Ghostwriters” who were trapped in Little India by necromancers were turned away from court today as ghosts are not a covered class in New Romford law.
Section 8 of the New Romford City Charter was last amended in 1997 to admit beings from other dimensions or timelines, aliens from other planets, sasquatches and yetis, and pansexuals as a covered class. It has been amended thirteen different times to cover a total of 58 distinct classes, by far the most of any city in the country. Being a covered class allows for full protection under the law, but ghosts have never been added despite numerous attempts. The last of which died in 2004.
“These posthumous-Americans deserve full protection under the law just like they had full protection when they were alive,” said Saul Mortenson, lawyer for the Ghostwriters. “They were exploited by these necromancers, and they and their families deserve justice and compensation for their work.”
The Ghostwriters were held against their wills by five necromancers several weeks back and forced to write paranormal teen romance novels in the basement of a Little India building. Five necromancers were arrested but ultimately not charged with any crimes. At least one more was never caught, and there could’ve been more than that. The publishers of their novels have been debating whether to sue them or not, but according to sources, they may ultimately not sue as their novels have seen a boost in sales.
Despite being turned away at court, Mortenson vows to press ahead with lawsuits. “My clients were kept against their will to basically work as ghost slaves,” he said. “And to write terrible paranormal teen romance novels. Is this the kind of horror we are willing to allow?”
By Muffy Borgeron
Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals a couple weeks ago, is still recovering from his burns and, strangely, still hasn’t gained superpowers.
“Gil’s still in a medically-induced coma,” said ATOM Labs scientist, Carlos Montero, “and we’re doing our best to heal his burns, but now he has internal damage to his organs. That chemical vat was a toxic brew, and frankly, everyone here is just surprised he hasn’t grown fur or bat wings.”
“At the very least, he should’ve grown a third eye by now.”
Heredia’s family is remaining quiet as they hope he recovers from his wounds. Matt Laredo, the family spokesman, has requested privacy through this trying time. “The Heredias understand the intrigue surrounding their husband and father of two. Right now, the family asks for your prayers and hopes everyone can learn a valuable lesson that chemicals are not a reliable source of superpowers.”
Indeed, the city seems to be rocked by the news of Heredia’s fate. Sales of gas masks and hazmat suits have tripled in the past weeks, and traffic around ATOM Labs and other chemical plants has dipped substantially. “It’s like people just realized this stuff was dangerous,” said Heredia’s manager, Lauren Paladio. “I wouldn’t say people were jumping into chemicals before this, but I think people were less cautious because they thought, ‘Hey, if I get sprayed by chemicals from a truck accident, then at least I’ll get something cool out of it.’ Poor Gil, he’s just a normal man. Hopefully, this will be a teachable moment for people.”
“Even still, maybe he’ll wake up and have telekinesis or something.”