By Falco Rockbert
WASHINGTON, D.C. – While continuing to build his Trump Portal Detector, business magnate Donald Trump revealed his “big surprise” about President Obama by attempting to prove he was being mind-controlled using a psychic wave detector. He only succeeded in causing headaches for every living thing within three miles and receiving a visit from the Secret Service.
Not satisfied with the surmounting evidence that the president was born in Hawaii, Trump first accused Obama of being a clone. When that didn’t pan out, he hired scientists to build a portal detector to prove Obama was from an alternate dimension. Impatient, he bought a psychic wave detector from Germany to prove Obama was being mind-controlled.
All results came back negative for everyone within a three-mile radius, including the White House and Congress, but scientists are suggesting Trump bought a substandard device as a proper detector doesn’t cause side effects. Headaches were felt by every living thing after he activated his device, causing several traffic accidents on roads and highways, mass confusion in animals, and alarms to go off at the Pentagon and White House. There was a panic of a terrorist attack, but Trump was videotaping himself from his room in the Hay-Adams, overlooking the White House, when it happened.
“With this psychic wave detector,” said Trump on the video, “I can determine if the president is being mind-controlled by Mental-Man or Dr. Brain or whoever [editor’s note: there are no records that these supervillains exist]. I can ensure the American people that I will get to the bottom of whoever that man is in the White House, once and for all.” Then, Trump fumbled around with the device and activated it. He is shown experiencing a headache as soon as it’s turn on.
The video then briefly shows Trump and another man fumbling to turn off the device, and then the video cuts off. The Secret Service was able to triangulate the position of the device from their command center and promptly arrested Trump. So far, no major injuries have been reported around D.C. or from the White House, but President Obama did appear from the White House balcony to wave at supporters. Aides say he was making jokes about it at dinner.
Trump is currently in Secret Service custody along with the psychic wave detector. No word yet on what charges he may face.