The New Romford Free Press

Category: Lifestyle

Nate Silver Predicts 58% Chance for Second Date with Matthew

By Julia Crumpleman

NEW YORK – Fivethirtyeight founder and statistician, Nate Silver, reported to friends today that his algorithms predicts a 58% chance for a second date with Matthew, with whom he went out on a date yesterday.

According to friends and fellow Fivethirtyeight editors, Silver met Matthew, a legal assistant in Manhattan, at a charity event last week and “really hit it off.” They exchanged numbers and went out to a small Spanish restaurant in Tribeca. Apparently, things went well but could’ve been better.

“Meeting new people is always hard,” said close friend, Maria Espinoza. “Especially with all the work Nate does, I know his life is hectic. And he just gets so much into his own head, you know? He’s running calculations all the time, predicting the future, studying data. I think he wanted to make everything perfect, and he just didn’t know how to improvise.”

The night went off script once Silver’s phone died. Without his primary calculator handy, he tried doing the calculations in his head, distracting him from the conversation with his date. The naturally gregarious legal assistant reportedly rolled with Silver’s nerves, spouting numbers to derail his calculations. After dinner, they went for a walk, grabbing frozen yogurt along the way. Then, a car ran over a puddle of water and soaked them.

Matthew laughed it off, but Silver reportedly became frustrated, ruining the mood. Silver apologized and admitted that he’s been under a lot of stress lately. He predicted a 74% success rate for the date earlier in the day but had not taken the puddles into consideration. He walked Matthew home and said, despite being drenched in dirty street puddle water, he had a good time. Matthew smiled, according to Silver’s accounting of the story to his friends, and wished him a good night.

“First dates are tricky,” said fellow Fivethirtyeight editor, Jonathan Lineman. “You just have to feel it out, and Nate was just Nate. Data consumes his brain. But at least, he’s confident he’s got a second date. That guy is never wrong in his predictions.”

Silver’s first date algorithms have an 92% prediction success rate, meaning they predict whether a first date will lead to a second. According to his predictions, Silver expects a second date with Matthew is 58% likely to occur.

“The odds are decent,” said Lineman, “but Nate seems confident it’ll happen. Good for him, I say.”

Neither Silver nor Matthew commented on the prediction, and Silver is currently waiting two more days before calling Matthew again.

June 30, 2015
Ask Julia: Why Don’t Historians Use Time Machines?

By Julia Crumpleman

Greetings, fellow history buffs! Today’s question comes from Julia (hey, nice name!) from Frenchtown.

So, I keep seeing all these superpeople go back in time for God knows what, and it got me thinking. Why don’t we use time machines to learn about history? I’m sure historians and archaeologists would like to know what happened in the past.

Julia, that is a fantastic question! It’s one I’ve often wondered about from time to time, so I did a little digging. Unfortunately, I don’t think time travel archaeology expeditions are going to happen (at least not often).

Despite how often time travel seems to happen, the majority of time travels occur from one of our many futures. According to the State Department’s statistics, 76 of the known 126 time travels are of this kind of travel. Someone from one of our many futures comes to our present. Only about 40% of all time travels begin from our time.

Even so, that’s still 50 time travels. That’s a lot, right? It is, but you have to look at who took those travels and where. 19 were taken by The Amazings alone in their many adventures; 12 were taken by supervillain Herr Gerfahr; and 8 were taken by the Peace Force or one of their enemies. That’s 39 of the time travels, and the other 11 are various superheroes, supervillains, aliens, space monsters, and Dark Lords. None of these time travelers teach at a university.

The fact is that time travel takes up massive amounts of electricity to open a time portal. The exact amount is classified, but it’s an insanely large amount. Dr. Amazing was quoted, back in 1983, that one hour of time travel (that is, going back in time one hour) takes “about as much energy as a nuclear power plant produces in a day”. That’s a lot, but it also depends on the model of time machine. Ones built within the last ten years use about a fiftieth of those models from the 80s, but the length of time travel increases the amount of power needed. Today, you can travel back a little over two days into the past on the same amount of power that a 1980s machine needed to go back one hour. It’s still a lot of energy, and energy is expensive.

Dr. Amazing gets grants from the government and money from patents and speaking engagements to power his time machine (and, reportedly, a highly-experimental energy source). The Peace Force has wealthy investors, although their time jaunts are made on a case-by-case basis. And Herr Gerfahr is evil. The only other way to time travel would be through someone’s superpower or magical ability, or by finding a wormhole by chance, but again, none of these are readily available to historians and archaeologists.

And that’s not even taking into account any time paradoxes and alterations from time travel. Trust me, those will give you headaches.

So, for now, we’ll have to stick with the old-fashioned methods, Julia.

March 20, 2015
Kelsey Grammer Ends Hawaiian Curse

By Julia Crumpleman

HONOLULU – After a series of strange incidents, actor Kelsey Grammer has ended the Hawaiian curse he was apparently under for a month.

Back in May, Grammer fell into a cave while hiking with friends near his home in Hawaii. What seemed like a minor incident led to a series of misfortunes for the actor, including stepping on dozens of rakes, insisting that his name was Dr. Frasier Crane, and, most recently, only eating tossed salad and scrambled eggs for every meal. The source of these strange incidents was finally made clear when Grammer revealed that he had taken a Tiki idol statue from the cave and kept it with him at all times.

“I was cursed,” the former Cheers actor said. “I did not realize it at the time, but the Tiki idol cursed me just like it did to Greg Brady [of The Brady Bunch TV show, which did a similar story in 1972]. I did not think it was real. It was a television show after all.”

The former Frasier star realized the connection when his friend, Mark Platt, reminded him of the episode. Then it was just a matter of finding an ancient Hawaiian burial ground to dispose of it to end the curse. “After I convinced the TSA agents that I needed to bring my tossed salad and scrambled eggs with me for the five-hour flight,” said the former Hank star, “I found a native spiritual leader to direct me to the proper place, and we performed the proper ceremony.”

“I can now say with full certainty that my name is Kelsey Grammer,” said the former Boss star, “and if I ever see another rake or eat another salad or egg again, it will be too soon.”

February 6, 2015
Local Inventor Makes Reusable Anchors for Grappling Hooks

By Julia Crumpleman

If you own a building in New Romford, especially a tall one, then you know the frustration of a superhero launching their grappling hooks into your roof. The force needed to get a secure hold in the roof is enough to break masonry, and it often does. Building owners citywide know the pain of having to repair their roves, but local inventor, Jared Hoffstetter, has a plan to save them money and headaches.

Enter the reusable roof anchor. The anchor is a piece of concrete and malleable hard putty that can withstand the force of not just one but a hundred grappling hooks.

“Superpeople are just going to keep using your roof without bothering to ask,” said Hoffstetter, “so I thought, why not just give them something to hook on to? It seemed like an obvious solution.”

The reusable anchor can be reused at least a hundred times with drill type grappling hooks and twice as many times with traditional hook-handed grapples. It’s designed with a deep, yet sturdy well in the center, and it can hold up to 10,000 pounds.

“If you make the anchor point obvious for superheroes,” he said, “then they’ll use it. They drill into you building’s concrete or use a flagpole, but those need to be replaced after a few tries. Put a few of these on your roof, and it’ll pay for itself. This will help the heroes and help the building owner. Seems like a win-win to me.”

But not everyone is so thrilled about this product. “It just feels like you’re inviting trouble,” said building owner, Margaret Han of Granite Tower on the corner of 35^th Ave and 21^st St. “For some reason, my rooftop is a meeting point for a lot of superpeople already, and when that happens, fights inevitably break out. I’ve replaced so many parts of my building that I just don’t see how this would help.”

Hoffstetter contends that his anchors would be used to facilitate superhero traffic rather than cause traffic jams. “If you put a few of these along your roof,” he said, “then they’re going to just swing by. Besides, they’re going to do it anyway. Might as well lessen the damange.”

December 19, 2014
Kelsey Grammer Insists Everyone Call Him Frasier

By Julia Crumpleman

HOLLYWOOD – In yet another bizarre series of incidents, actor Kelsey Grammer is insisting everyone call him “Frasier” even though he hasn’t played that character since 2004.

While doing an interview with Extra for his new show, Montgomery, Grammer told the reporter, Angela Michaels, several times to call him “Frasier” or “Dr. Crane”. At first Michaels thought he was joking, but he kept insisting that was his real name. Michaels became increasingly nervous throughout the interview. “I didn’t know if he was joking or what,” she said during an in-studio segment after the interview. “I mean, he was clearly talking about playing his new character in his new show, so it was like he actually thought he was Dr. Frasier Crane. He just kept saying that was his name. In all my interviews, I never had felt so uncomfortable. It was just strange.”

Michaels even showed Grammer a promotional poster of his new show which clearly states “Kelsey Grammer is” over the show’s title. Grammer was perplexed and said, “But that’s not how you spell ‘grammar’.”

Various people on the set have confirmed that this has been going on for a few weeks. Most thought it was simply a prank at first, “like he lost a bet,” said one person. But after several weeks, it became clear that it wasn’t a bet. “No one has that much commitment to anything off-camera,” said one unnamed source. “And especially when it has nothing to do with the thing we’re shooting. I even saw him sign for something once, and he signed it Dr. Frasier Crane like it was something he’s been doing all his life. First the rakes, now this.”

A month ago, Grammer was hospitalized after stepping on several rakes like his The Simpsons character, Sideshow Bob. He hasn’t stepped on any more rakes on set since then, but this is yet another strange turn in the life of a veteran actor.

When the NRFP contacted Grammer personally for a comment, he said, “I don’t know why people keep thinking I’m this Kelsey Grammer person. You have the wrong number,” and then hung up.

September 23, 2014
Ask Julia: Do Other Planets Have Superheroes?

By Julia Crumpleman

Greetings, fellow humans! Today’s question is an interstellar one from Pablo in North Hills:

I was wondering if superheroes were just an Earth thing, or if other planets had them as well?

Well, Pablo, you’re in luck! The New Romford Free Press recently hired a space correspondent from a far-off planet, Karna Firaliz. I sent your question off to him, and a few weeks later, I was able to get a response. (Space is vast, and emails can only travel so fast. Oh, that rhymed!)

“Superheroes” as a concept is a hard one for a non-Earthling like myself to understand. What defines a “superhero” on Earth can be ambiguous. One doesn’t need superpowers above and beyond a non-powered human, but a costume is generally required. Even then, it’s not easy to define as some superheroes wear the traditional garb of their homeland. Being a “superhero” appears to be a notional concept. The Earth saying “I know it when I see it” seems to be the only reliable measure here.

From what I’ve gathered from visiting and studying hundreds of planets and their cultures, there are always heroes and inspirational figures. Like Earth, they have their great leaders, rulers, messiahs, and tycoons, normal members of their race that rise above their peers (apart from the breed-pod cultures of the outer Carminni Galaxy who have been breeding clones of one or two individuals for the past few millennia). My planet, Minax, has several of these figures, but none of them have powers beyond me or wear costumes beyond our current styles. By Earth definitions, we don’t have superheroes.

I’d say the same goes for most planets, but again, the term “superhero” is an Earth term that can’t be applied to other planets. Everyone on planet Meerillee can fly, shoot lasers from their eyes, have super-strength, and speak 700 languages with ease, but none of that would constitute superpowers in their society anymore than walking on two feet would be a superpower on Earth.

I suppose the term “superhero” could also be applied to anyone who goes above and beyond for the greater good. I’ve heard many Earthlings speak of superheroes in this way because even supervillains have powers and colorful costumes. It matters what individuals do, and there’s something appealing about this to many cultures. If we used this definition, then there certainly are superheroes on every planet, including mine. That’s harder to define, of course, but that is the best I can do, Pablo. I hope that answers your question.

Thanks, Karna! That was a very thoughtful reply and a good reminder that we can all be superheroes in our daily lives if we so choose. (Though I wouldn’t mind being a Meerillee-ian!)

September 12, 2014
New Romford Begins New Promotional Campaign

by Julia Crumpelman

Sensing a need to attract new businesses and residents, the City of New Romford has unveiled a promotional campaign to highlight the good things about living in a city constantly besieged by supervillains.

The campaign, “Life in New Romford,” will distribute posters, billboards, and television, radio, internet, and psychic ads all across the U.S., Canada, Mexico, and Europe. “Understandably,” said Chamber of Commerce Head, Idara Mulholland, “people are hesitant to come to New Romford. But once you come here and experience the energy for yourself, then you get why this is such a vibrant place to live and work.”

Mulholland said that the campaign will focus primarily on the East and West Coasts of North America and in Western Europe. “That’s where the majority of our out-of-town business comes from,” she said. “Eventually, we want to spread out to Asia once we have the budget for it.”

Three of the posters/billboards will focus on turning the negatives of living in New Romford into positives. One will feature Dr. Alan Guinness, a.k.a. The Gator, one will feature Adonis saving television reporter, Michelle Meyers, and another will showcase the recent Dino-Day Disaster. That one was a controversial choice for the campaign. “I get why people are against it,” Mulholland said. “It’s such a recent event, but sadly, it’s something that could happen at any moment, and you have to find positives in everything.”

“In order to remain a leader in the national, global, and galactic community,” she continued, “we have to reassure non-New Romforders that life here goes on even when it does get crazy. We can’t let every supervillain, alien invasion, monster attack, and Frankenstein annexation stop us from following our dreams.”

“And that’s no offense to all the aliens, monsters, and Frankensteins that live here in peace. We accept all lifeforms in New Romford.”

Some of the posters are available for sale online here.

August 1, 2014