The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

  • Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    Dr. Amazing Frees Scientists from Adhesive Via Alternate Dimension

    By Muffy Borgeron

    The three scientists stuck in the adhesive, KR-1078, for the past several months have finally been freed thanks to Dr. Amazing and an alternate dimension.

    Scientists Carl Michaelson, Denise Detroit, and Margo Doll were caught in an experiment gone wrong several months ago while testing out the new adhesive designated KR-1078.  While being stuck in the adhesive, in awkward, uncomfortable positions, they’ve been cared for by service robots, and they’ve even continued their work, albeit without the use of their hands by and large.  ATOM Labs has been looking for a solution to no success.

    But dealing with the Breach in Los Angeles gave Dr. Amazing an idea.  “Portals,” he said.  “I’ve been having portals to other dimensions on my mind for a while now, and it just clicked.  When I got home from LA, I went right to work on a new gizmo.”

    That gizmo is a handheld device that opens and closes a portal to a pocket dimension with the flip of a switch.  Using this “interdimensional chipper,”Dr. Amazing was able to chip away the adhesive bit by bit.  The only downside is that the process took ten days.

    “It takes an incredible amount of power to open a portal, even of a small size as the chipper,” said Dr. Amazing.  “Add into that opening and closing it over and over again, and I think we’ve used more power in ten days than ATOM Labs uses in a year, and that’s saying something.”

    Regardless, the scientists were grateful to regain partial mobility over the ten days.  Professors Detroit and Doll were able to sit upright finally, and Professor Michaelson was able to use the toilet all by himself again.  While the chipper was able to get the big chunks of the adhesive off, the small chunks could not be removed with any sort of precision.  Since those were on the scientists’ clothes, they were able to simply undress.

    “I’m just so grateful to be able to walk on my own two feet,” said Detroit.  “I’ve never realized how much I could miss walking.”

    “I can’t believe how good it feels to feed myself,” said Doll.  “The robots mean well, but they don’t really understand that chewing takes time.”

    “I’ve never thought I could ever miss toilets in my life, yet here I am,” said Michaelson.

    ATOM Labs has the remnants of KR-1078 is stasis fields as it’s still incredibly sticky.  The floor has been torn up to remove the portions still stuck on the floor, and the rest in the pocket dimension are being closely monitored.  In the meantime, the three scientists have been given the next month off to recuperate.

  • Michelle Meyers Pleads Guilty to All Charges

    Michelle Meyers Pleads Guilty to All Charges

    By Falco Rockbert

    In a court hearing this morning, Michelle Meyers pleaded guilty to all charges set against her, including kidnapping, conspiracy, and false endangerment.

    Meyers, the former Channel 9 News reporter, pleaded guilty to kidnapping a female associate of Adonis several weeks ago.  She also admitted to hiring 7 supervillains to pretend to capture here so that Adonis would “save” her from them.  Court documents show that Meyers and Adonis had a relationship that went bad some years ago.

    The guilty pleas were part of a plea deal with Meyers and the District Attorney’s office.  The deal was contingent on Meyers cooperating with the NRPD with investigations on the operations of the supervillains she hired and the communication networks she used to hire them.  In return, Meyers would receive a shorter sentence.

    Michelle Meyers will spend the next 20 years in medium-security prison with possibility for parole in 10 years based on good behavior.

    Adonis did not comment on the proceedings.  The Peace Force in a statement said, “We’re all glad this has reached a conclusion.  Adonis is currently out on patrol, and understandably, he has a lot on his mind.  We ask that you please respect his privacy for the time being, and we will not be taking any further questions on this matter.”

  • Project INFINITY Returns Home Early, Surprising Everyone

    Project INFINITY Returns Home Early, Surprising Everyone

    infinityweb

    By Chase Chapley

    Surprising everyone at ATOM Labs, the Project INFINITY team returned home early after a string of terrible alternate dimensions with the final straw being a world where Donald Trump was elected President of the United States.

    Project INFINITY was scheduled to return in another three months after exploring 100 alternate dimensions.  The New Romford Free Press has been running pieces from Tarani Kapoor’s journal about their experiences.  But the team returned yesterday after only exploring 58 dimensions.

    “Some of the worlds were more difficult than we anticipated,” said Kapoor in a press conference this morning.  “Our team was equipped to handle most of what we encountered, but we did not anticipate dimension 54, which was a world of near-constant acid rain.  In retrospect, we should’ve made all of our equipment acid-proof.”

    “Having lost much of our equipment to the acid,” she continued, “traversing dimensions 55, 56, and 57 was a journey of attrition.  55 was filled with giants, 56 landed us in the ocean somehow, and 57 was covered in lava.  It took all of our might and willpower to survive those dimensions, and many of us were injured.  Then, we entered dimension 58.”

    “Dimension 58 was a world much like our own, so we were naturally grateful not to be drowning or on fire,” said Kapoor.  “It gave us time to catch our breath, but we had entered a United States that was in the midst of an election, and the people of that word had, beyond all belief, elected Donald Trump to be their President.”

    Kapoor went on to describe how this believed his convoluted statements, conspiracy theories, and baseless claims.  This world also was on the verge of electing Hillary Clinton as their President and that she somehow lost even though she won 2 million more votes.  (They apparently still used the Electoral College.)  Half this America believed global warming to be a hoax, wanted to build a wall along the Mexican border, and wanted to register Muslims on a government watch list.

    “And they had no superheroes,” said Kapoor.  “After that, we were done.  That was it.  My team had been demoralized, and I made the executive decision to abort the mission.”

    But not everyone returned home.  The twin superhumans, Mike and Jennifer Laramie, decided to stay in dimension 58.

    “They wanted to, quote, fix things, end quote,” said Kapoor.  “I was not going to argue with them on that.”

  • BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

    BREAKING: Titana and Positron Destroy Barbarian Orb, Return City to Normal (Again) (For Now)

    barbarian castle

    By Chase Chapley

    After tangling with barbarians at the Seaside Castle, Titana and Positron destroyed a barbarian orb by throwing it into the sun, returning the city and citizens back to normal (again).

    Hundreds of people magically turned back into barbarians tonight after prolonged exposure to various barbarian artifacts left over from Vrog’s brief reign over New Romford.  They became violent and began to loot and pillage as they headed to the Seaside Castle.  The area around the Seaside Castle began to turn into various barbarian buildings, barracks, and homes, and when the NRPD tried to stop them, they turned into barbarians.

    A team of five or six Peace Force members joined the battle, and they too turned into barbarians, except for Titana and Positron.  Titana possess magical resistance thanks to her armor and natural Amazonian physiology, and Positron could not be turned into a barbarian since he’s an android.  The other Peace Force members could not be confirmed in the battle, and the Peace Force would not specify who was there.

    Titana and Positron proved to be more than enough against the increasing barbarian army.  The battle became difficult when their teammates were thrown into the mix, but they were no match for Titana.  Positron found the source of the magical energy in the Seaside Castle, buried under ten feet of stone.  They fought their way to the stone and broke it free.

    Realizing that breaking it into pieces on Earth would only start this whole ordeal over again, Positron proposed a better idea:  throw it into the sun.  So he did, and everyone turned back to normal.

    The Seaside Castle crumbled to the ground, and every barbarian magically turned back into who they were before the battle.  Every barbarian artifact also magically disappeared, and no one knows where they went, which is distressing.  ATOM Labs said they were going to monitor this much more closely this time.

    For now, the city is back to normal.  Again.  For now.

  • BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

    BREAKING: People Have Turned Back Into Barbarians on Halloween; Not A Prank

    barbarian castle

    By Chase Chapley

    The NRPD and Peace Force are reporting that people who have come into prolonged contact with the Seaside Castle or any barbarian objects have turned back into barbarians.  They are congregating at the Seaside Castle right now, and even though this is Halloween weekend, this is not a prank.

    Ever since Vrog was defeated some time ago, various barbarian artifacts have been found across the city, primarily in Dukes.  The Seaside Castle was the most obvious artifact and has since been turned into a tourist attraction.  An investigation showed that it contained no magical residue, so it was allowed to remain where it was and to let civilians near it.

    Apparently, the investigation should’ve been a bit more thorough.

    “I was getting my kids ready to go trick-or-treating,” said Monae Stevenson, “and I look out my window, and there’s a whole bunch of people holding swords and spears and clubs walking by.  And they’re wearing, like, animal skins.  I thought they were a weird flash mob or something, but then they started smashing cars, and I was all, uh uh, we’re staying home tonight.”

    There are multiple reports of similar people marching through the streets of Dukes, smashing cars and menacing people.  The NRPD has tried to stop them, but apparently, once the new barbarians touched them, they also turned into barbarians.  These reports have been unconfirmed by the NRPD, but several videos have emerged online showing some change happening upon contact.

    ATOM Labs has confirmed magical readings similar to Vrog’s in the vicinity of the Seaside Castle, and the Peace Force has sent several heroes to handle the situation.

    As of the writing of this article, it has been reported that the buildings adjacent to the Seaside Castle have begun to turn into barbarian structures as more people gather there.  It also appears looting has begun around here, too.  The NRPD and Peace Force has instructed anyone not turned into a barbarian to avoid the coastal areas of Dukes for the foreseeable future.

    More to come soon.

  • INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

    INFINITE WORLDS: Superheroes Keep Punching Each Other

    infinityweb
    From left to right: Maria Gutierrez, Samantha McDonald, John Hou, Tarani Kapoor, Karen Humboldt, Kathleen Herrera, Mike Laramie, Jennifer Laramie

    By Tarani Kapoor

    As Project INFINITY explores the multiverse, team leader Tarani Kapoor writes about their travels into the unknown.  We’ll bring you select excerpts from her journal as ATOM Labs provides them to us.

    DIMENSION 46

    As we’ve traversed the multiverse, we’ve come across superheroes in about half our worlds (more depending on your definition of superhero), but by and large, everytime we’ve come across them, they are fighting supervillains and monsters.  Now, we’ve come across a world where they won’t stop punching each other.

    Dimension 36 initially resembled our home from the start.  We saw New Romford in all its glory, and we saw Titana fly through the air.  Then, as we were getting our bearings, Adonis flew in and attacked her.  The force of the impact could be felt for miles according to local news reports.  Our group figured one of them was a robot, clone, or evil counterpart of some origin, but as the two giants began to fight, the locals started running for cover.

    Within minutes, the streets were clear, and someone hurried us into an underground bunker with hundreds of people.  We asked what was going on, and no one knew.  Through overheard conversations and some googling, we gathered that Titana and Adonis were indeed themselves on this world, and that there’s been a war going on between two different factions of superheroes.  The source of the conflict was hazy.  One story suggests the death of a superhero sparked the conflict while another suggests a piece of legislation as the cause.  Another mentions something about an alien infiltration.

    Whatever the cause, we didn’t get much into this world’s history because someone blasted through our bunker with an energy ray of some sort.  Above ground, the battle had escalated very quickly with dozens of superheroes punching each other and destroying the entire city.  Fearing for my crew’s safety, I quickly teleported us to another dimension.

    DIMENSION 47

    Safely into the next dimension, we were all relieved to see that superheroes were not currently destroying it.  Dimension 37 was calm and peaceful, and it resembled our own except for the local fashions.  Almost everyone, young and old, fit and portly, was half nude.  We were clearly overdressed.

    As we sat a café trying to get our bearings, we saw this world’s superheroes, whom we didn’t know, stop a robbery across the street.  While the robbery wasn’t anything out of the ordinary (a minotaur and his goons were robbing a china shop for some reason), the superheroes’ costumes were practically spray painted on, except for their thongs and capes.

    After the battle, two of the male superheroes walked around to make sure everyone was safe.  As they approached us, it became apparent that the superheroes had spray painted their bodies.  They were practically nude, and the fashions of the locals started to make sense.

    Something about us being fully clothed must’ve aroused them because they began to flirt with us.  Uncomfortably.  At one point, one superhero got incredibly close to Karen, and she became flustered.  Jennifer had to forcibly restrain the superhero from getting any closer, and the superhero got angry.  Then the other superhero tried to flirt with her, and Mike had to intervene.

    But before anything else happened, an explosion occurred on the other side of town.  The superheroes said a few derogatory and sexual things to us and flew off.  We comforted Karen and Jennifer and decided it was best to jump to a new dimension.  Hopefully, a calm one.

    DIMENSION 48

    We somehow landed in another world where the superheroes are at war with each other.  This time the conflict had something to do with Adonis and El Toro’s mothers having the same first name, which makes no sense, but at least no one’s sexually harassing us here, so we’ll take a win when we can get it.

  • More Barbarian Artifacts Appear in Dukes

    More Barbarian Artifacts Appear in Dukes

    barbarian castle

    By Packie Williams

    The Seaside Castle wasn’t the only thing left over from Vrog’s brief barbarian empire.  Residents in Dukes are now finding barbarian artifacts in parks, alleys, and even their basements.

    “I was just doing some cleaning in my basement when I came across a bow and arrow,” said Shantae Williams.  “It was behind some boxes, and I’ve never taken up archery, let alone held a bow and arrow.  For a minute, I thought maybe one of my kids left it here, but they didn’t know nothing about it, and it’s real old looking, too.  Like, ancient looking.”

    “I was walking my dog through Lincoln Park,” said Keith Ho, “and my dog ran off after something.  I thought he was going after a squirrel again, but he runs back with something in his mouth.  It was a scabbard.  An old one made of leather.  I’d never seen anything like it before.”

    “I was talking out the trash to the alley,” said Joey Fontina, “and up on the fire escape, there was a helmet.  It wasn’t a bike helmet or football helmet, but like a really cool Viking helmet.  So of course, I got it down and put it on.  If you saw a sweet looking helmet, you telling me you wouldn’t put it on immediately and never take it off?  Of course you would.  I can take it off anytime I want, but why would I?  This is friggin’ awesome!”

    Authorities have heard at least a dozen more instances of barbarian artifacts, and they all carry the same magical signature as the Seaside Castle.  They assumed these were props that somehow got misplaced, but that could not be confirmed.  It’s also possible that these artifacts were left behind from Vrog’s brief barbarian empire, like the castle.

    The authorities have asked for the items to be turned over to them for study, but some have refused.  Fontina has fought everyone who tried to take his helmet and won, despite having a bad knee and no fighting experience.  Others who have given up their items have found a new hobby.  Ho has taken up fencing, and Williams has enrolled in archery lessons and has purchased four bows.

    “I don’t know what it was about finding that bow and arrow in my basement,” she said.  “But it’s like it opened up something in me, something deep down.  And primal.”