The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

  • Another Future Muskrat With Dire Warnings Shows Up in Present

    By Packie Williams

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    Ever since the invention of time travel in 1976, people have been using it to give dire warnings of future events to the past.  Today, another future version of the superhero Muskrat has shown up in Tompkins Square proclaiming doom and gloom for the future.  It’s the 12th future Muskrat to date.

    For some reason, Future Muskrat 12 had a braided beard flowing from under his mask and wore multiple necklaces and body armor.  He appeared in a blaze of light in the middle of Tompkins Square and got into a scuffle with the NRPD.  He fired laser guns at the officers and demanded to speak to his younger self.

    While Present Muskrat was en route from The Quinton School for Young Superheroes, Titana dropped in from the sky to have a word with the time traveler.  Apparently, this upset Future Muskrat 12.  He began firing his laser guns at Titana.  They fought for a couple minutes, throwing park benches and food carts at each other.  Present Muskrat jumped from his private jet along with a couple of his students and landed in between the battle.

    The Present and Future Muskrats had a conversation, though no word from the Peace Force or The Quinton School as to what was discussed.  After a minute of talking, Titana grabbed both of the Muskrats and flew them back into the jet while the students stayed behind to help clean up the mess.

    The Peace Force has a standard protocol they follow when a Future Visitor with Dire Warnings (a FVDW for short) comes to the present.  The FVDW is taken to the Peace Force Headquarters for evaluation and authentication, and then the FVDW has to fill out several forms about the dire warning.  The Peace Force is rumored to have a storage room dedicated to nothing but dire warnings.  Once the FVDW is authenticated as being a true time traveler, and their dire warning notarized, they are allowed to stay no more than three contiguous days in the present.  Then, they must head back to their present one way or another.

    The Peace Force is not required to disclose the contents of the dire warnings due to the sensitivity of the information, but the President and select world leaders are notified of each FVDW.

  • Dr. Amazing Fertilizes Future Farm with Dino Dung

    Dr. Amazing Fertilizes Future Farm with Dino Dung

    By Packie Williams

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    One of the biggest, and stinkiest, problems in the wake of the Dino-Day Disaster was what to do with all the dinosaur dung that was left behind.  Dr. Amazing has volunteered to use it as fertilizer.

    “Dung is nature’s natural fertilizer,” he said.  “It’s full of nutrients that plants need in order to grow, and with so much of it around, it just makes sense to use it in the Future Farm.”

    Dr. Amazing and robots from ATOM Labs have been scooping up as much of the dino dung as they could and hauling back to ATOM Labs for study.  First, they wanted to have samples available for paleontologists to study and also to see if there were any remnants of the Dinosaur Queen’s magic left over.  “The last thing we wanted,” said Dr. Amazing, “was for whatever magical particles that turned us into dinosaurs to be left in the dung, and if it were to fertilize crops, we had to make sure nothing evil got transferred to the food, which might turn people back into dinosaurs if they ate a tomato for instance.”

    “Luckily, the occult section of ATOM Labs has given us the all clear,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I don’t put much stock into magic personally, but it happens, so we have to be careful.”

    Dr. Amazing hopes that the dino dung will naturally speed up the growth of his crops.  “No one wants artificial chemicals put into their food,” he said.  “So we’re going to use the next best thing.  Which is dinosaur dung.”

    Dr. Amazing’s wife, Snow Woman, did not comment.

  • Speedster Helps with Recovery, Wrecks More Things than Repairs

    Speedster Helps with Recovery, Wrecks More Things than Repairs

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    While intending to be helpful as always, Speedster ended up making things worse today when she “helped” with the recovery after the Dino-Day Disaster.

    The majority of the Peace Force was working with the New Romford rescue crews to remove debris from fallen buildings and to find missing people, the typical superhero work.  Speedster was on hand as well today, and her super-speed began tearing up the Industrial and University Districts.  “I know she’s just trying to help,” said Sally Wynn, a resident of the University District, “but could she at least think through her actions first?  Just once, please.”

    Speedster saw a large pile of rubble blocking the intersection of Industry Road and 26th Street and used one of her patented “Speed Tornadoes” to move the rubble.  Unfortunately, she hasn’t perfected this patent yet.  She ran around the rubble at super speed, creating a vortex that carried the rubble into the air.  Then it shot out all over the neighborhood, crashing into buildings that had survived the dinosaurs on both sides of the Winston River.  Thankfully, no one was hurt, but she left the scene in a puff of dust.

    Someone at the Peace Force must’ve reprimanded her because she stopped using her “Speed Tornadoes”.  Instead, she helped out with the otherwise slow removal of debris from collapsed buildings, and for about an hour, Speedster was helping in a constructive way.  Then, she decided to speed things up, as she is wont to do, and wasn’t paying attention.  “We were working on buildings on Billings Street,” said Sal Hodgson, rescue worker, “and she piled up all that rubble at the end of the street.  She blocked us in.  We couldn’t get out.  We had about 20 people that needed to get to a hospital or safe zone, and we couldn’t get them out.  How dumb can you be?”

    After another half hour of making a path for the rescue workers, Speedster left to help somewhere else but caused a 14-vehicle pile-up on Romford Way before collapsing a parking garage on 4th Avenue and 59th Street.  She had removed the wrong piece of rubble that had been keeping the garage intact.  Luckily, she had removed everyone from the garage in the brief second before the collapse.

    By then, Titana and Adonis reportedly had a word with Speedster, and she ran off.  There were no more reports of speed-related destruction after then, much to everyone’s relief.

  • Rescue Marks Meyers’s 30th Adonis Save

    Rescue Marks Meyers’s 30th Adonis Save

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    By Falco Rockbert

    Yet again, Michelle Meyers was rescued by Adonis last night, marking her 30th save by New Romford’s Favorite Son.  It ties the record for most saves of one person by one superhero.

    Meyers, formerly of the New Romford Sentinel, now with Channel 9 News, didn’t have much to say about tying the record.  She was held hostage by the Master of Disaster and his henchmen, again, at the Grainger Aerospace Research Facility in Jamestown.  The MoD was apparently trying to steal experimental spaceship materials when Meyers came across them.  They tied her up above an active jet engine and lowered her down towards it.  For some reason, they didn’t use their guns to shoot her.

    Just as she was about to be skewered by the engine, Adonis swooped in to save her.  Once she was safe, Adonis went on to defeat the MoD and his henchman in less than a minute.  Meyers and Adonis reportedly had a tense talk afterwards before they flew away.

    When asked about the incident this morning, Meyers said, “No comment.”  When asked about tying the record for most saves by one superhero, she laughed and said, “It’s not a record I really want to hold, but it happens, I guess.”

    Meyers is currently tied with Judy Jenson, reporter for the New York Times from 1956 to 1981.  She was saved 30 times by the superhero Empire Man.

  • Mysterious Thefts Continue Even After Dino-Day Disaster

    Mysterious Thefts Continue Even After Dino-Day Disaster

    By Packie Williams

    In what can only be described as adding insult to injury, the mysterious thefts plaguing the neighborhoods of Dukes have continued even after the Dino-Day Disaster.

    Andrew and Marshall Parks of Essex Town reported that their house was damaged in the Disaster, but nothing of value was missing.  “We were just getting settled in,” said Andrew.  “We patched up part of the roof and made sure our doors and windows locked like normal, and then we wake up this morning to find that all our jewelry and money was missing.  And the doors and windows were still locked.”

    Several houses in Essex Town reported similar thefts, all on the same night.  The NRPD are now investigating this as a superhuman crime spree.  “That’s the most likely conclusion,” said Police Commissioner Trombeau.  “Everything points to a superhuman using his or her powers to invade these homes and steal money and valuables from unsuspecting residents.  Whether or not last night’s thefts have any connection to the other series of supposed thefts from the past couple months cannot be determined at this time.  One of the perpetrators could a man with a mind-control device on his head, and the other could be a smoke monster with psychotropic powers.  It’s difficult to tell.”

    A ghost has also been proposed as a possible suspect as some currently inhabit the city, and they may be vengeful, as ghosts generally are.

    Regardless, who or whatever has committed these thefts clearly doesn’t care about the recent Disaster these residents have experienced.  “I mean, we were some really tiny dinosaurs,” said Marsha Parks.  “Really really tiny.  It was all we could do to not get squished.  And now, we think we’re out of the woods, and this happens.”

    “Sometimes I wonder why we still live in this city.”

  • Transforming into Dinosaur Did Not Help ‘Normal Man’

    Transforming into Dinosaur Did Not Help ‘Normal Man’

    gilBy Muffy Borgeron

    Gil Heredia, the ATOM Labs maintenance worker who fell into a vat of chemicals several weeks ago, is still in critical condition, and transforming into a dinosaur didn’t help his recovery.

    When the Dino-Day Disaster happened, Heredia, who has been on life support at ATOM Labs, was changed into a Deinonychus.  The scientists monitoring him did not notice any change in his vital signs or any new superpowers.  “We thought, ‘Oh, this is going to trigger something finally,’” said lead biologist Carlos Montero.  “We thought that he was going to get dinosaur powers or at least stay transformed as a dinosaur.  Finally, he’d be on the upswing.  But nothing.”

    “It’s like he doesn’t want superpowers.”

    After the Dino-Ray was shut down, Heredia, along with everyone else at ATOM Labs, turned back to human.  Heredia’s injuries had remained during his transformation, and briefly becoming a dinosaur didn’t seem to accelerate his healing ability either.  “It was just the same old, same old,” said Montero.  “If anything, being turned into a dinosaur only made things worse.  Poor guy.”

    Heredia’s family, who have asked for privacy throughout the matter, have seemed more distraught than normal.  With his recent downturn, those closest to the family get the sense that Heredia may pass away soon, unless of course he develops superpowers, but that seems unlikely.

  • The Amazings Play With Kids Affected by DDD

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    By Buffy Bolivar

    With much of the city in ruins from the Dino-Day Disaster, families have been displaced from their homes and neighborhoods.  To help keep up the spirits of their fellow New Romforders, the Amazings stopped by Griffin Park in Frankton today, using their superpowers to play with local children.

    “It was really, really fun to jump on Dr. Amazing’s tummy,” said five-year-old Stacy.  “I jumped really high, like a million times!”

    Dr. Amazing stretched his torso out like a trampoline and let children jump on him one-by-one.  Once their turn was up, he caught them in the air and morphed his arm into a slide.  Meanwhile, Snow Woman created a winter wonderland inside a patented, invisible Amazing Dome, which kept the area at a cool 30° F.  After all, she had to keep the snowball fight going.  And Mr. Bigg flew children, four at a time, in a decommissioned AmazoPlane, 100 feet in the sky.

    “The snowball fight was so much fun!” said nine-year-old Jacob.  “Snow Woman just created this amazing snow fort that literally looked like a snow fort, and it was so awesome!”  The realistic-looking snow fort didn’t look like one after a few minutes of the snowball fight.

    “I’ve never flown before,” said twelve-year-old Dierdre.  “I mean, not like a superhero would.  But Mr. Bigg gave me the ride of my life, and now, I want to get superpowers of my own someday.  I want to fly on my own!”

    Notably missing from the original Amazings was Joan Upshaw, a.k.a. Miss Terror.  Understandably, her powers would be less conducive to playing with children, but she stayed behind at Grainger Tower to monitor the current Amazings team as they assisted with the search and rescue effort.  “Joan wishes she could’ve made it here,” said Dr. Amazing.  “But she preferred to stay at the tower and help out in her own way.  You know how Joan is.”

    Regardless, the parents were grateful for the break from the last few weeks.  “We’ve just been dealing with so much,” said Paula Moreno.  “I haven’t seen my children laugh and play in so long.  This really helps out.  It really does.”

    “This is what superheroes do.”