The New Romford Free Press

Category: Local

Man Sucked into Snuggle Portal Safe, Portal Belongs to Jumper

By Muffy Borgeron

Arleen resident, Terry Upton, was found safe today after he was sucked into a pocket dimension from a Snuggie he bought two days ago.

ATOM Lab scientists examined the Snuggie portal in their facility with the aid of Dr. Amazing. Upton was sucked into the portal the instant he put it on, so the scientists kept a safe distance from it, using robotic arms to handle the garment. They detected the same ion particles found at Upton’s home and determined where the portal led.

“It was just a matter of matching the ion signatures,” said Dr. Amazing. “This is surprisingly easy to do once you know what you’re looking for, and it was even easier when it was a pocket dimension that we discovered 20 years ago. We already had this thing mapped and in our database.”

Dr. Amazing and two fellow scientists entered the Snuggie portal, tethered to our dimension. No one has set foot in this pocket dimension for 8 years, so they came in prepared for a battle. What they found came to a relief: Upton was sitting on a recliner, watching DVDs of Family Matters, and eating chips on a large rock floating in a void.

Upton explained that he fell onto the large floating rock, and he was alone. The rock was equipped with a bed, several dressers and bookcases, a fully-stocked kitchen, a living room, and a bathroom, and a smaller rock about 100 yards into the distance housed a gym, but Upton never made it up there. He said he looked around the place and screamed for help for the next hour. Believing that someone would eventually come for him, he decided to relax and go through some of the DVD box sets he found.

“I got lucky,” said Upton. “I mean, real lucky. I could’ve been stuck falling in an endless void until I died, but I landed in a pretty nice apartment despite the void. Looking at that for too long made me just want to jump out into it. It really messes with your head. No wonder there’s so many DVD box sets here.”

“Too bad they didn’t get anything past the 80s. I can only watch so much Urkel, you know?”

Dr. Amazing went through some of the belongings and discovered this space was inhabited by the portal-hopping supervillain, Jumper. He’s known for using a cape as a portal, so it’s theorized that one of his capes was somehow sewn into a Snuggie. How or when Jumper gained access to this pocket dimension is unknown as are his current whereabouts. He’s currently wanted by the FBI and five states for multiple counts of larceny.

After an examination for side effects from the pocket dimension, showing no ill effects, Upton was allowed to go home, and his boyfriend greeted him at ATOM Labs.

September 22, 2015
Michelle Meyers Involved in Kidnapping, Setting Up Fake Crimes

File photo of Adonis saving Michelle Meyers

By Falco Rockbert

In a bizarre series of revelations last night, Channel 9 News reporter Michelle Meyers was arrested for kidnapping and setting up fake crimes so she could be rescued by Adonis.

Meyers has been saved a record number 30 times by Adonis, but that number will surely go down. Last night, Meyers allegedly kidnapped a woman, whose identity will not be released by the NRPD due to her supposed ties to Adonis. State law prohibits the release of the identities of people close to registered superheroes when they’re victims of a crime.

The kidnapping allegedly took place yesterday afternoon in a back alley in Johnsmar, where a rental van, rented by Meyers, was parked for an hour. One resident noticed the van speeding away around 2:45pm. That van turned up at a warehouse in Jamestown.

Adonis arrived at the warehouse at around 6 pm and defeated the henchmen who were guarding the facility. He entered to find Meyers holding a woman over a vat of chemicals (later discovered to be liquid green gelatin) via a crane. Adonis saved the woman and apprehended Meyers.

The reason for the kidnapping was not revealed, and Adonis and the Peace Force were silent on the issue. The NRPD arrived to arrest Meyers, and the woman was safely returned home.

Adonis also learned that Meyers has been paying supervillains to “capture” her in a ploy to be rescued by Adonis. It’s unknown how many supervillains she hired. Her reasons for doing this were not revealed to the public, but Adonis seemed to be “shaken up” by the ordeal, according to sources at the scene.

Meyers faces kidnapping charges as well as multiple conspiracy charges. If convicted at the maximum penalty, she could spend the next 40 years in prison.

September 8, 2015
Local News Roundup (9.1.15)

By Packie Williams

SUSSEX, Bexton – Laboratory equipment and several pounds of chemicals were stolen from Currie Labs two nights ago. Security cameras show three women in black clothing and masks busting into the rear garage door with a van. The women proceeded to grab several pieces of specialized equipment—Currie Labs did not want to specify what—and haul them, slowly, to their van. This took them eight minutes to load up the van before one of the women realized a forklift was nearby. They tried to grab a few more pieces but couldn’t figure out how the forklift worked. Then they heard the police sirens, ditched the forklift, and randomly grabbed several bags of powdered chemicals and potting soil. The women made their escape down the back alley and are still on the loose.

THOMAS BAY, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior, Nicholas Conberm, was swinging around the street lights of Thomas Bay two nights ago in pursuit of a man who supposedly mugged an elderly couple. The mugger got away when Conberm ran out of grappling hooks and fell onto the pavement from 20 feet up. He apparently only had five grappling hooks on him at the time.

SHOREFRONT, Downtown – A local Atlantean calmed down a giant squid on display at the Quigley Aquarium yesterday afternoon after the giant squid attacked the other fish and staff members. The giant squid, called Sir Arms-a-Lot by the aquarium staff, was on display for a limited time after being caught in Winston Bay two weeks ago. Sir Arms-a-Lot was injured and recuperating in the aquarium, and people were invited to watch the giant squid as it strained to swim around in its relatively small tank. Yesterday, it became agitated and started attacking the other fish in its tank. When the staff tried to calm it down, Sir Arms-a-Lot began to attack them and crawled up out of the tank. Security tried to subdue the giant squid, but they, their tasers, and their comparatively small stature were ultimately ineffective. A local Atlantean happened to be in the aquarium and rushed to their aid. He punched Sir Arms-a Lot in the beak and tackled it back into the water. He then pushed his hand inside an opening in the squid’s mouth, reaching something that calmed the creature down. The Atlantean wished to remain anonymous but told the staff that Sir Arms-a-Lot should really be put back into the ocean before it wakes up.

VIRGIN HEIGHTS, Bexton – After further review from ATOM Labs, the attack on Paulina’s Pottery Port was just some local hoodlums looking for pottery and not the return of those time-traveling Vandals.

September 1, 2015
Area Man Gets Lost in Portal Hidden in Snuggie

By Muffy Borgeron

A man from Arleen fell into a mystic portal to another world when he put on his new Snuggie last night.

Terry Upton, 47, a contractor from Arleen, bought a new navy blue Snuggie at a Walgreen’s while coming home from work in New Romford yesterday evening. Security footage from the Walgreen’s shows the Snuggie being placed on the rack three days ago along with four others without any apparent mishandling to the portal Snuggie since then. Upton purchased it along with a case of beer and two bags of chips.

Later that night, at home, he put on the new Snuggie and was sucked into it, according to Upton’s boyfriend, Jon Cheong.

“We had just finished eating dinner and cleaning up,” said Cheong, “and he bought a new Snuggie. His last one got torn up by our dogs, and we didn’t think anything of it, the new one, you know? I was in the kitchen when he put it on, and I heard a weird noise and then Terry was screaming. I ran in, and he was being sucked into the Snuggie like it was a black hole, and he was gone. Where did he go?”

Cheong was understandably shaken up by the experience, and investigators have secured the Snuggie in a metal container. They found trace ion particles in the home, confirming that a portal had opened up from the Snuggie. Investigators have seized all the Snuggies from the Walgreen’s that sold it and are tracking down every Snuggie that was came from that batch. The manufacturer of Snuggies has also been contacted by investigators, and they are cooperating.

ATOM Labs is working with the investigation, but for now, people will have to be fearful of their Snuggies sucking them up into a portal to who knows where.

July 21, 2015
New Bill Aims to Destroy Supervillain Bases Before They Set Up Shop

By Packie Williams

A new bill proposed by the New Romford City Council would require buildings to be demolished within 30 days of being abandoned. The aim of the bill is to get rid of abandoned buildings before they’re used by supervillains for their bases of operation.

“It just makes sense,” Councilman Randall Ayo. “Supervillains and gangsters are always using abandoned buildings as their hideouts, so why are we letting them just sit there? Someone’s just going to come in, set up shop, and terrorize our city.”

Currently, New Romford is home to 580 abandoned facilities. These are office buildings, factories, apartment complexes, warehouses, two amusement parks, and eight collapsed subway stations. It’s estimated that at least 60 supervillains, reformed or not, are living in the city along with five gangs.

“They have to be living somewhere,” said Ayo, “and we just don’t have the capacity to patrol all of those places while keeping watch on everywhere else. Demolition will clean things up quickly.”

But not everyone thinks this is such a bright idea. City Planner, Janice Coleman, thinks the abandoned buildings can be refurbished, and the focus needs to be on generating new business in the existing facilities. “You can’t just go around knocking down every building that doesn’t have an occupant in it,” she said. “Some of these places have been around for a century or more, and they have wonderful architecture to them that just need some renovation. And if you do destroy them, then what? You just have an empty lot. You’re going to abandon the neighborhood with the building.”

Property management companies are also against this bill for obvious reasons. “You’d be literally destroying our business,” said Jonathan McDoyle of Winston River Properties. “Do you know what our average turnaround times for properties are? Fifteen months. Property in New Romford is expensive. It takes time for us to sell these places. Demolishing buildings after a month means demolishing our business, too.”

Councilman Ayo is not deterred. He acknowledges the criticism but takes a hard anti-supervillain stance. “We’ll provide tax breaks for new buildings and businesses that take up a lot that was demolished after one month,” he said. “We’ll make it easier to build new properties, but leaving these places essentially open for supervillains hurts our economy more. They’re more likely to get destroyed by these supervillains anyway, and they’re more likely to hurt the homes and businesses that surround it. We need to stop enabling supervillains.”

“Also, those abandoned amusement parks are super creepy. How are they still standing?”

July 7, 2015
Local News Roundup (6.19.15)

By Packie Williams

NOWICKS, The Heights – The Bernard St. Warrior got into a fist fight with two carjackers on Henry Drive two nights ago. The wannabe superhero, whose real name is Nicholas Conberm, tried to prevent two men from stealing a car outside of Finn’s Bar. Conberm flung rubber balls at the carjackers with his slingshot, missing the carjackers and breaking the windows of the car he was trying to save. Not intimidated by Conberm, the carjackers got into a fist fight with the Bernard St. Warrior, eventually winning. The carjackers fled the scene once a police car approached the scene. Conberm was ticketed for breaking the car’s windows and is expected to pay for the repairs.

BEATON HILL, Dukes – Cat-themed supervillain, Mr. Whiskers, was arrested last night trying to steal an Ancient Egyptian Bastet statue from the Wonders of Ancient Egypt exhibit at the Princetown Museum. Superhero, Red Man, was the one who caught Mr. Whiskers and his goons attempting to pilfer the Bastet statue, the featured piece of the exhibit. Red Man was roaming the neighborhood rooftops when he heard the alarm go off. Using his lasers, jet boots, and Red Claw, Red Man defeated the goons easily, but that was enough to give Mr. Whiskers a chance to escape. Red Man chased after the supervillain and caught him in the alleyway behind Fletcher Street in Dominicana. Mr. Whiskers was turned over to police custody.

HOLLAND, Norwoods – Residents reported a “monster” in Lake Hominy terrorizing kids on the lakeshore and giving people “bad dreams”, but authorities could not confirm that a lake monster exists.

MONACO, Bexton – Police were called into the Grocery King on Atlantic Avenue and Catherine Street as an eight-foot-tall Minotaur entered the store. The Minotaur, whose name is Gary Larson, grabbed a cart and started to shop. It’s not clear who called the police, a staff member or a patron, but Larson seemed to expect the attention. Larson kept his hands in the air as the police began to question him, and when it became apparent that Larson, who had just moved to Monaco last week from Boston, was simply buying groceries for his new home, the police apologized and left. Grocery King would not comment past saying they were not the ones who called the police. Larson, for his part, was jovial, happy, and did a good job of not knocking things over with his horns.

June 19, 2015
Dukes Thief Caught, and He’s A Telepath

By Packie Williams

After months of searching, the mysterious Dukes thief has been caught. His name is Parker Doyle, and he’s reportedly a telepath.

A tip from the most famous telepath of them all, Professor George Quinton, led the NRPD right to Doyle. Quinton reportedly heard a story about the thefts from a friend and decided to investigate for himself. “I had been out of town for the past few weeks,” he said, “so I wasn’t caught up on the news. Then a friend of mine was talking, or rather thinking, about it, and I knew the signs of telepathic tampering right away.”

After performing a quick psychic sweep of Dukes, Quinton discovered Doyle living in a modest apartment in the University District. Quinton subdued Doyle’s telepathy until the police were able to arrest him. In his apartment, they found all of the stolen documents, bonds, and jewelry. They had their man.

What exactly Doyle was planning to do with all the money and items he stole hasn’t been determined yet. The NRPD think he was going to purchase something big, but that case may take longer to solve. According to sources inside the NRPD, Doyle did not have a computer, tablet, or smart phone in his apartment. He did not keep journals or mail. He apparently didn’t even have writing utensils. Whatever he was planning is locked within his mind, and his telepathy has now be locked shut with an inhibitor collar.

Doyle is being held at NRPD Headquarters as the police investigate his crimes. Now it seems that Dukes can sleep easier with Doyle behind bars.

April 3, 2015