The New Romford Free Press

Category: National

LA Gridlock: The Amazings End the Gridlock with Pocket Dimension But Can’t Close the Breach

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – After what seems like months of strife, the original Amazings have ended the gridlock that turned the Greater Los Angeles area into a dozens of nations.

“It was a bit more difficult than I thought,” said Dr. Amazing. “There were so many vehicles blockading roads and intersections, so we couldn’t just unclog them. Where would we put the vehicles? Anywhere we put them would just let the whole thing get reclogged, never mind that we couldn’t lift all of these vehicles just by ourselves.”

“Then I remembered I had access to pocket dimensions.”

Just like how they defeated Mother from the Breach, the Amazings defeated LA’s gridlock by stowing all of the cars, trucks, vans, and semis away in a pocket dimension, albeit a one uninhabited by Mother. Splitting up into teams of two, the Amazings used one of Dr. Amazing’s gizmos to teleport thousands of vehicles into a pocket dimension. After a day’s work, roughly half of every vehicle on the roads of LA were no longer of this Earth.

Without half the capacity, traffic was able to finally move. People were able to head home, but there was still the problem of all the would-be royals in each “nation.” Luckily, the West Coast Peace Force returned from space to help beat back the bats, Disney Land Overlords, and James Cameron cosplayers. These communities were damaged to varying degrees, but overall, people were able to return home and reunite with loved ones.

“It seems like years have passed since I’ve seen my kids,” said Marc Helms of Anaheim, who was stuck in Fredistan for reasons he doesn’t wish to disclose. “Somehow my kids survived the Disney Land-Knott’s Berry Farm War, and I’m just grateful to be with them.”

“But I still don’t understand why my backyard is filled with dead bats wearing mouse ears.”

As for the vehicles in the pocket dimension, they were brought back in stages to our dimension after the traffic had cleared out. The West Coast Peace Force helped to maintain order, which was easy given that everyone just wanted to go home.

Unfortunately, the Breach could not be closed, and Dr. Amazing said it might stay open for the foreseeable future. He will pull in scientists from around the world to close it, but for now, he has only one suggestion for how to deal with it.

“Just don’t look at it too long,” he said.

December 27, 2016
Martin A. Martian Buys Vegas Casino After False Accusations of Cheating

Martin A. Martian

By Buffy Bolivar

LAS VEGAS – After an incident last week at the Rio Hotel & Casino that Martian-Americans supposedly cheated at blackjack using their non-existent “Martian powers,” Martin A. Martian, a Martian-American, has bought that casino.

After oil companies bought their land in North Dakota, many Martian-Americans came to Las Vegas to celebrate, and they won a lot of money at the blackjack tables at the Rio. The casino became suspicious and had them arrested. They accused the Martian-Americans of using superpowers to gain an unfair advantage, superpowers that Martians do not possess.

The charges were dropped two days after they were arrested, and a rather than sue the casino for damages, one Martian-American decided to buy the Rio.

“I simply saw an opportunity and took it,” said Martin A. Martian. “And if I get rid of some less than desirable casino owners in the process, then so be it.”

Martin A. Martian mugshot from Rio arrest a week ago

Martin A. Martian took his money from the land sale and invested it into the stock market. He said he studied the stock market and watched the business news channels everyday, keeping tabs on what stocks were trending. The stocks he invested in happened to soar in the past two weeks, and he was literally worth millions. When the incident happened at the Rio last week, he stepped in to help his people in a big way.

“This superpowers nonsense really riled me up,” Martian said. “We’ve been getting this line ever since we came to this planet, and it’s always meant to demean our accomplishments. I got that this past week with my investments, like I supposedly had powers to predict the future or read minds. It’s ridiculous. Talk to my financial planner, and you’ll see this all above board.”

“I think we’re just on a lucky streak right now,” said Martian. “I’m sure we’re going to have a run of bad luck before too long. That’s just karma. Which isn’t a superpower we have, either.”

As for how Martian convinced the Rio’s owners to sell their casino when they weren’t in the market to sell, Martian is keeping that a secret. “I’m just a good sales-Martian, I suppose,” Martian said. “Also, millions of dollars and a pending lawsuit backed by the best lawyers money can buy helps.”

Naturally, this hasn’t dissuaded any human who still thinks they have superpowers. While nothing substantive has changed in the day-to-day operations of the Rio, attendance has reportedly gone down 10%. Martian isn’t worried, though.

“I understand how people are a little worried,” he said. “But I have some big plans for the future of the Rio, and I think people of all planets will enjoy it.”

December 13, 2016
Condor-Man Comes Back to Life in Record Time

By Packie Williams

CHICAGO – Despite an extensive review of his deceased body, Paul Condorman, a.k.a. Condor-Man, has come back to life just ten days after he apparently died, the fastest resurrection ever recorded for a superhero.

Condor-Man died while engaged in combat with the supervillain Claymore ten days ago, and a Peace Force doctor examined his body to make sure it was indeed Condor-Man and not a clone, robot, or any number of deceptions. The doctor declared the body to be Condorman’s actual body and that he was actually deceased. But Condorman apparently had another superpower that not even he was aware of, which resurrected him.

“Paul has condor powers,” said Jocelyn Peters, the Peace Force doctor who examined his body, “and we just thought that meant he could talk to birds and find carcasses to eat. He always said he had a ‘condor-sense,’ and we just took him at his word that that was a thing. We always thought it was a danger awareness system or something along those lines, but I guess it can bring him back to life, too, which was a shock to Paul when he woke up in his coffin.”

“Well, I’m sure being covered in chemical burns probably freaked him out as much as the coffin did.”

Condorman’s “condor-sense” pulled his consciousness into another dimension, as far as Peace Force scientists can surmise, and somehow preserved his body without giving off any radiation or heat. When he awoke, he cried in agony, alerting a passerby above ground in the cemetery he was buried in. Condorman was dug out by a team of eight people, two groundskeepers and six people who happened to be at the cemetery.

Then, Condorman was exposed to the sun, which somehow healed his chemical burns and restored his health. Again, this was chalked up to his condor powers.

“I guess condors are really, really powerful?” said Peters. “You get hit by radiation, chemicals, and condor DNA, and apparently, you’ve got resurrection powers? I mean, I call [expletive] on all this, really. There’s probably something sinister going on here.”

“That makes more sense than ‘condor-sense.’”

Condorman didn’t respond to any media outlets for comments. The Peace Force has reunited him with his family, and he intends to retire from superheroing.

November 22, 2016
Martian-Americans Arrested for “Cheating” in Vegas

By Buffy Bolivar

LAS VEGAS – Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested for cheating at several blackjack tables at the Rio Hotel & Casino using “Martian powers,” which they do not possess.

After selling their land to oil companies, the Martian-Americans of North Dakota were flush with cash. Some are traveling the world, some have relocated to Miami and New York, and some have moved to Las Vegas. Over the past several weeks, they’ve become world-class gamblers. The casinos took notice.

“At first they were welcomed here with open arms,” said Lance Koblich, reporter for the Las Vegas Sentinel. “Especially on the Strip. People would take pictures with them, and they were just having fun. And the city wants to build a spaceport in the future, so the city and county were eager to have them here, show that Vegas was an intergalactic destination.”

The Martian-Americans loved to gamble and took to blackjack in particular. Initially, they had the same luck as most patrons, but they quickly became masters at the game. Night after night, they won more than they lost. That’s when the casinos became suspicious.

“One night, six of them pulled in $35,000 at the Rio,” said Koblich. “They’ve only been in town for a couple weeks and apparently have never played blackjack before. And they bragged about it, too.”

The casinos started following their activities, and after another big payday, $26,000, the Rio called the police. Twelve Martian-Americans were arrested on suspicion of cheating. Neither the Rio nor the police would comment on how exactly the Martian-Americans cheated, but sources reported they cheated via Martian telepathy, skin color manipulation, and X-Ray vision. Martians do not possess any of these powers.

“It’s just ignorance and bigotry,” said Lo’m Carter, now living in Miami. “We win at your games at your casinos, and the only way we can do that is through superpowers? We don’t have any superpowers. At best we can withstand the heat and cold better than you humans. How about we’re just good at your stupid games? How about you don’t treat us like monsters?”

The ACLU is providing legal counsel for the twelve Martian-Americans, and the twelve have already posted bail.

November 8, 2016
‘Reboot Man’ Reboots One Final Time, Flies into the Sun

File photo of Ray Denver as North-Star, many years and reboots ago.

By Packie Williams

CHARLOTTE, North Carolina – Ray Denver, the superhero currently known as Clayman yet more commonly known as Reboot Man, has had yet another reboot. And then he flew into the sun.

Denver had reportedly been living with Professor Carl Poughkeepsie in Charlotte, North Carolina, for the past several months. Poughkeepsie, a geneticist specializing in sentient rocks, was trying to find a way to revert Denver back to his original human form. Then, his lab exploded this morning with him and Denver caught in the blast.

The cause of the blast came from Jandar, an alien warrior from an unknown galaxy. He was reportedly after an artifact that Poughkeepsie kept in his laboratory, and he fired an energy beam from the sky. Poughkeepsie died from the explosion, but Denver survived due to his malleable clay form. Angered over the loss of his friend, Clayman attacked the alien.

By this time, Jandar had grabbed the artifact, a glowing orb. No one knows how Poughkeepsie obtained the orb or what it’s significance is to Jandar, but neither reason is likely a good one.

Clayman and Jandar engaged in combat for several minutes. Clayman had reportedly been injected with several chemicals during his time at the lab, and he was able to hold his own for much longer than expected. For his part, Jandar was annoyed by Clayman more than anything. He broke away and started flying upwards with the orb in tow, but Clayman grabbed onto his leg and flew up with him.

A struggle ensued midair, and somehow, the orb started glowing brighter and brighter. Then it cracked. Clayman got sucked into the orb due to his malleable form, and he absorbed the energy inside. He busted out of the orb, bathed in yellow light, and he no longer looked like Clayman. He looked like Ray Denver again, but only glowing and nude.

Jandar became furious that Denver stole the orb’s power and attacked him. Denver punched him in the face and sent Jandar flying into space. The battle was over.

Denver went back to find Poughkeepsie’s body, and according to the professor, he touched him “with two fingers” on his chest and brought Poughkeepsie back to life. With the professor reanimated, Denver started talking about “the light” and “nothing on Earth being relevant anymore.”

“I didn’t understand one whit what he was saying,” said Poughkeepsie. “Whatever the orb did to him made him almost fall in love with ‘the light.’ He was staring at the sun, looked back at me to say thanks, and flew off into the sun, all while stark naked. I’ve seen some weird things in my life, but this has to be near the top.”

Satellite imagery followed Denver as he did indeed fly into the sun. So far, he has not flown back out of the sun, and reports from Saturn confirm that Jandar was flying past them, not having slowed down from Denver’s one punch. The Peace Force has been informed that Jandar might return assuming he ever stops.

As for Denver, “Well,” said Poughkeepsie, “I just hope the sun loves him as much as he does it. Kids these days.”

November 1, 2016
LA Gridlock: The Amazings Defeat Monster from the Breach

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – The Amazings arrived in Los Angeles this morning and, after closing the failed wormhole in Gardena, began to assess the gridlock before being attacked by monsters from the Breach.

Landing their Amazing Plane in the Griffith Observatory, one of the few neutral areas in the Greater Los Angeles Nations, the original Amazings (Dr. Amazing, Snow Woman, Mr. Bigg, and Miss Terror) began to assess the damage caused by the gridlock. Snow Woman used her snow powers to put out some fires and then freeze the lava pit, and Miss Terror beat up some Terminator Gang members from terrorizing people in Glendale. Mr. Bigg threw Dr. Amazing over to the failed wormhole in Gardena while he investigated the Breach. Dr. Amazing was able to close the wormhole with a device he invented and then rejoined Snow Woman just north of him, and they found Mr. Bigg looking at the Breach.

Thankfully, Dr. Amazing had invented special goggles to combat the thrall of the Breach, so Mr. Bigg wasn’t affected. Using his giant size, Mr. Bigg tried to remove the people stuck staring into the Breach, but they wouldn’t budge. Miss Terror rejoined them, and her strength wasn’t able to move them. “She is coming,” they chanted all the while, and then it changed. “She is here,” they all screamed in unison.

From the Breach, flying monsters dropped from the sky. They were pink, purple, and teal creatures with four red eyes, tentacles for mouths, bat-like wings, and various numbers of limbs depending on their color. The monsters began consuming the enthralled humans, attaching themselves to their heads and absorbing them into their colorful bodies. The Amazings fought off as many as they could, but the aging superheroes were outnumbered. Then the Mother arrived.

The Mother, whose name was unpronounceable as it didn’t contain vowels any human could speak, was gold and ten times bigger than her children. Mr. Bigg punched her in her tentacle mouth because of course he would, but it made her angry. The Mother ate her children, gaining their strength in the process and growing in size. The Amazings were on the ropes.

The ensuing battle destroyed much of west Los Angeles and Beverly Hills, largely due to Mr. Bigg staying in giant form. Snow Woman and Miss Terror had more success freezing parts of the Mother’s body and punching her in the joints. Dr. Amazing left for several minutes, and he returned with the bees of Leimert Park in tow.

Using another one of his gizmos, Dr. Amazing transformed the bees into dark bees. In a risky move, he somehow ordered the dark bees to attack the Mother, and their dark stings disintegrated the Mother’s body. The Amazings fought to keep the Mother from escaping, and with each sting, the Mother disintegrated. One by one, the humans absorbed by the monsters fell from her body, and Snow Woman created a snow bank to catch them.

Eventually, the dark bees had disintegrated enough of the Mother to make her just a head. Dr. Amazing called off the dark bees, turning them back into normal bees, and they all buzzed away. Snow Woman put the Mother’s head on ice, and Dr. Amazing transported it to a pocket dimension for safe keeping. All of the humans caught in the thrall woke up, dazed and confused but no worse for wear. Now, all the Amazings had to do was figure out how to close the Breach, but Dr. Amazing admitted he didn’t know how to do that.

September 2, 2016
LA Gridlock: Kurt Russell Helps People Escape from LA Because Of Course He Does

Image from the movie Escape from L.A.

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – Famous Actor, Kurt Russell, has apparently been helping people escape from Los Angeles and the surrounding areas, and yes, he realizes how that sounds.

“I can’t believe he’s actually doing this,” said Roger McCormick, who was helped out of the LA Gridlock by Russell. “I asked him, ‘Seriously? You’re doing this?’ And he was like, ‘Yeah yeah, I know. Come on, you want to get out of here, right?’ It was wild, man. Just wild.”

According to those who escaped LA, Russell was in his Beverly Hills home when the Gridlock happened, and his fellow actors and Hollywood cohorts asked him to get them out of the city. They knew how well he researched his film roles. It took some convincing, but Russell revealed that he knew how to escape the city through a serious of underground tunnels, which turned out to be mostly sewers and the subway, but they did lead out of the city. Along the way, he met several non-Hollywood elites in the sewers, and he knew his mission.

“We live in Anaheim when this all started,” said Rosa Marquez. “My son and I were driven into hiding by the Terminator Gangs, and we got mixed up with some other people who took us underground. We were lost immediately, and after a day of wandering, we ran into Kurt Russell of all people. He said he’d take us to safety, and even in those sewers, his blue eyes pierced through you to your soul. I just knew he’d get us to safety.”

Russell has led over 3,000 people to the Free Lands northwest of LA. Relief workers have been setup there for the past week, providing shelter for escapees. Each time Russell appears with new escapees, crowds form and chant his name. He takes the praise in stride, cleaning and resting up for each new rescue mission. After getting refueled and taking selfies, Russell heads back underground.

“Man, the man is non-stop,” said Erin Churn. “I don’t think I’ve ever seen him take a nap. He just keeps moving. It’s incredible.”

“I don’t know why he wears the eye-patch though. I mean, I know why, but still.”

August 26, 2016