The New Romford Free Press

Category: National

National News Roundup 11.20.15

By Muffy Borgeron

DETROIT, Michigan – At least 300 abandoned homes have now been infested with dark bees, a species of bees from the Anti-Earth Dimension. They’re slightly larger than normal honeybees, and as their name suggests, they’re darker in color and demeanor. Their honey is toxic to humans, but some scientists propose it can be refined into a fuel source. The city has blocked off the now-unabandoned homes for now while they develop a plan to get rid of the dark bees. The police have urged citizens to steer clear of dark bees as they roam in packs and their stings will cause humans to disintegrate.

HONOLULU, Hawaii – The annual Yeti-Sasquatch Convention was interrupted yesterday when a pack of 20 Bigfoots stormed into the Hilton Waikiki Beach resort, unannounced. The Bigfoots, from the forests of Oregon and western Washington, were upset at being snubbed from the Yeti-Sasquatch Convention for the 14^th year in a row. The Sasquatches, from British Columbia, northern Washington, and Idaho, have long been at odds with their southern ape-men, stemming from the infamous Patterson-Gimlin footage of a Bigfoot from 1967.

That footage was later deemed a hoax as neither Bigfoots nor Sasquatches look like the creature in the video, nor do they walk like that, but that didn’t matter. After that video went public, humans were on the search for either, and they eventually forced both the Bigfoot and Sasquatch communities out of hiding. The Sasquatches blame the Bigfoots for being sloppy and letting Roger Patterson and Bob Gimlin see the Bigfoots in the wild, sparking the two humans to don a terrible facsimile of an ape-man to make the video. The Bigfoots blames the Sasquatches for the same thing, and neither will back down.

Yesterday, the Bigfoots and Sasquatches got into a shouting match and then started punching each other. The hotel’s security, which was beefed up for just such an occasion, was able to subdue and arrest all 20 Bigfoots and 13 Sasquatches. The Yetis, for their part, stayed out of the fight as they’re Buddhists.

RENO, Nevada – The first annual Canine Poker Tournament began yesterday morning at the Atlantis Casino Resort with over 60 canine competitors. The tournament is the first of its kind for dogs who have a long history of playing poker, long before the infamous C.M. Coolidge paintings immortalized this tradition in the early 20^th century. The event organizers expected at least 100 competitors, but that number was contingent on dogs getting past security at the airport to fly on their own as a passenger and not in storage. Even still, for a first-year event, it’s generated a lot of excitement for the casino, and Mr. English Muffins is the heavy favorite to win it all.

November 20, 2015
LA Gridlock: Cat People vs. Dog People, The Breach, and Where Are the Superheroes?

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – While Governor Jerry Brown has called a state of emergency for southern California, the residents of the new Greater Los Angeles Nations have dug in their heels for the long haul.

The nations simply called Cat People and Dog People are predictably at war with each other. Both nations reside in the quadrangle between the 710 & 605 and the 91 & 405, comprising a large portion of the cities of Long Beach and Lakewood. Divided down the middle by Lakewood Blvd, the Cat People live on the west while the Dog People live on the east. It’s not known how each nation became based on the love of feline and canine pets, but their natural rivalries quickly coalesced into a feud.

Their battles have raged since day one as each vie for territory across Lakewood Blvd. The Lakewood Center mall, which lies on the eastern side of the border in Dog People territory, is a hotbed for attacks from the Cat People as it has a Costco, Target, and Macy’s. The Lakewood Regional Medical Center lies on the western side of the border, and the Dog People regularly let their canines loose to distract the doctors while they steal medical supplies. The biggest hot spot in the Long Beach Airport as one of its runways crosses the border into Dog People territory. Last night, thirty-five people were injured when the Dog People tried to gain more runway. Ultimately, they failed, and tensions remain high.

Meanwhile, more information has come in as to what exactly “The Breach” is, and apparently, there’s a 3-mile long tear in the fabric of spacetime from Brentwood to the Sunset Strip “hovering” ominously in the sky. People who stare at the tear reportedly “see the cosmic truth of reality,” or at least, that’s what they chant 24 hours a day as they can’t turn away from The Breach. So far, nothing has come through The Breach, and no one knows how it tore open.

But the big question is where are the superheroes? The West Coast Peace Force is still in space, and the East Coast Peace Force has their hands full with everything else going on in the world. The most powerful local heroes work for the WCPF, so only the street-level heroes are around, and they seem to be trying to maintain peace rather than solve the gridlock.

Dr. Amazing has been called in to help solve the problem, but help may take a while to get there as he’s currently stuck in a pocket dimension with Micro-Man.

October 9, 2015
Glowing Cocoons Found in Hudson River

By Chase Chapley

NEW YORK – Twenty cocoons were found in the bottom of the Hudson River off the coast of Manhattan this morning, and of course they were glowing.

A Circle Line captain saw a faint glow in the water and called the police. The NYPD, along with Titana’s help, fished twenty cocoons out of the river. Glowing green and then red, the cocoons were each about the size of a car.

The cocoons were taken to the laboratory of Dr. Kimiko Kashani, a professor of alien and mutant physiology at Columbia University. “Early tests so far show no signs of hatching any time soon,” she said, “but until I run more tests, it’s too soon to say what’s inside.” When asked about the glowing, she said, “That’s pretty normal for giant cocoons, really. It’s just bioluminescence, you know, to scare off predators. Nothing unusual, really.”

But not everyone is so convinced that they’re safe. “Glowing pods?” yelled General Kurt Murdoch, outspoken 4-star general of the U.S. Army with questionable legal standing in said army. “Last time I came across a glowing pod,” he said, “was 1988, and out came Omnimoth, a 200 foot tall psychic humanoid moth, who took out half of Kansas City. And that was just the last glowing pod.”

“Well, yes, that was bad,” said Dr. Kashani. “But that was a single gigantic pod, and it was radioactive, but most pods, or cocoons, aren’t like this. These aren’t radioactive, and we’re not getting any psychic residue from them. I’ve been studying giant pods all my life, and whatever is hatching inside them sure aren’t going to be anything we can’t handle. I also have the Amazings helping to study and contain whatever’s inside.”

“Burn them with fire,” yelled General Murdoch. “Burn them with fire now!”

The NYPD and Columbia University aren’t going to burn them with fire any time soon while they continue to study and investigate the cocoons. At the very least, they need to find out where they came from, said the NYPD. General Murdoch has been ordered to stay out of New York and New Jersey for the foreseeable future.

September 29, 2015
National News Roundup

By Stan Hopewell

FORT WORTH, Texas – A herd of 50-60 wild Minotaurs stampeded through the Jacksboro Highway yesterday, causing havoc for nearly 10 miles. It’s not known why the Minotaurs were stampeding. The 15-foot bull-man-beasts were running at top speed into the city and weren’t speaking in a human language. Authorities tried to stop them with their guns and a couple National Guard tanks, but nothing was able to stop them. Dallas-area superhero, Dynamite Jack, was able to redirect the Minotaurs down highway 287, and with the help of some well-placed dynamite and ramps, he was able to explode them into Lake Arlington. As Minotaurs are terrible swimmers, it was easy to subdue them all with elephant tranquilizers and airlift back out into the wild. Dynamite Jack said he was investigating what caused the stampede.

TUCSON, Arizona – After a chemical spill on Interstate 10 left 23 people in the hospital last week, a 18-month-old boy was given superpowers. Unfortunately, for the parents, the boy’s superpowers are supersonic screams. The parents have tried to cover up their son’s mouth as best they can as his screams can break glass 50 feet away. They are currently at the University of Arizona, working with scientists on a way to muffle their son’s screams, and are open to suggestions from the superhero community.

CHICAGO, Illinois – Speedster rounded up the Rhino Gang from the Willis Tower (formerly the Sears Tower) this morning after a proposed business deal went bad. Four members of the Rhino Gang were attempting to make a legitimate business deal with an unnamed investment group when the terms of the deal went out of favor of the Rhinos. To make matters worse, one of the human investors made a remark about rhinos going extinct, which was particularly stupid since the Rhino Gang each weigh at least 1,000 pounds. They attacked the investors and the security guards who tried to intervene. The police emptied the building as best they could as the Rhino Gang took hostages. Speedster, who happened to be running through Chicago at the time, zipped in and tied up the Rhinos with an unbreakable plastic rope, which she apparently carries with her. Somehow, no one died, but dozens were injured. The investors were arrested along with the Rhino Gang.

CASPER, Wyoming – The entire town of Casper vanished from the face of the Earth two days ago. All of the roads in to the town still exist, but all of the people and buildings have vanished. Governor Matt Mead has ordered all travelers to bypass any highway to Casper while the National Guard and scientists investigate from a safe distance.

September 18, 2015
New Nations Form in Los Angeles Gridlock

Click for full-sized map.

By Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES – The permanent gridlock on the freeways and streets of the greater Los Angeles area has created more than just chaos. It’s created new nations as well.

With vehicles stuck on the freeways or the main roads, people haven’t moved much further than where their vehicles have parked. Some local residents have offered to house stranded drivers while others have been living in parks, alleys, and whatever buildings in which they can find refuge. And the Terminator Gangs and Na’vi Nation have seized the opportunity.

The Terminator Gangs have taken control of much of eastern Los Angeles and formed an area called Battlezone just southeast of Dodger Stadium, where disputes among gang members take place. The Na’vi Nation has taken control of the most land, taking up land from La Habra in the south to all the territory north of the 210. To compete with the rampaging fandoms of James Cameron movies, the Jedi Republic formed in the Pomona-Ontario-San Dimas regions, though the Na’vis aren’t scared of them according to neighboring nations.

The rest seem to be a hodgepodge of local residents or displaced drivers rising up to power. A family of centaurs has taken control of Huntington Park, Queen Arga, a witch claiming to be from 16^th century England, is ruling Fullerton, a 55 year-old trucker, Fred Lloydman, has proclaimed San Fernando to be a constitutional monarchy called Fredistan, and millions of bees have taken control of Leimert Park, though no one knows if one queen bee is in charge or if multiple queens are.

Some “nations” are neighborhoods that have tried to transport people out of the gridlock without success. Scientists in Westmont and Inglewood tried digging a hole underground but only dug up lava, somehow, and scientists in Gardena tried opening a wormhole but only succeeded in sucking 30 blocks into oblivion, leaving a crater 50 yards wide in its wake.

The studios have largely banded together south of the 101, Warner Bros. and Universal being the dual rulers, but Disney has taken over two nations and is arguably the most well-organized. The Disney Lands take up much of the land around Disneyland, including most of Anaheim, Orange, and Santa Ana, and the Northern Disney Lands take up the triangle between the 101, 170, and the 5 where Walt Disney Studios and the Bob Hope Airport are located. Rumor has it that they have a secret tunnel allowing the two disparate states to connect, but that’s been unconfirmed so far.

Not much is known about the other nations apart from the names given to themselves, but everyone, from local mayors to the governor, is surprised by how quickly communities broke down and rebuilt themselves after the permanent gridlock.

August 21, 2015
Michigan Trapped in Great Lakes State Monster Debate

By Stan Hopewell

Mishipeshu

LANSING, Michigan – In a bizarre state senate hearing in Michigan’s Capitol Building, three lake monsters of three of the Great Lakes all pleaded their case to be named Michigan’s Official State Lake Monster, a title that does not exist.

Mishipeshu, the famed underwater panther of Lake Superior, teleconferenced from his home on Michipicoten Island, which is technically in Canada. “I call the entire lake my home,” he said, “and I have another home on Isle Royale, so I live on both sides of the border. Michipicoten just has the better internet connection. But barring that, I have lived in these waters for thousands of years, and I was the first lake monster to interact with the humans, and I don’t have a dumb, cutesy nickname. Clearly, I deserve this title.”

“I respectfully disagree,” said Michigy, the reptilian lake monster of Lake Michigan. She teleconferenced in from a private residence west of Petoskey. “My name is cute, but it isn’t dumb. It was given to me by the noble Ojibwe people, and I’ve been here the longest. I am literally millions of years old by some estimates.”

Michigy

“Millions of years old,” said Huro, the giant fish monster of Lake Huron, who teleconferenced from a private residence in Saginaw Bay. “That’s preposterous. Everyone knows Michigy has a family, and is only 340 years old. Hardly immortal! I, on the other hand, am the great fish that carved out the Georgian Bay with my own teeth to ward off the giant Thunderbirds. They were ruining the newly formed land after the ice sheets melted, so I just ate it up. Clearly, one as mighty as me deserves this title.”

The three lake monsters argued for another hour to a stunned Capitol Building crowd. It was partly the nature of debate that stunned them, according to aides in the room, but mostly the fact that a giant underwater panther, reptile, and fish were yelling at each other via Skype left that them dumbfounded. The speaker tried to regain order amongst the great beasts, but that proved futile. An aide unplugged all three connections to end the meeting.

The issue has been tabled for discussion for the next three weeks until they figure out whether or not to create the title of Official State Lake Monster.

Huro

Curiously, Bessie, the snake-like monster of Lake Erie, wasn’t present at the meeting but did release a statement. “Look,” he said, “I’ve got Detroit on one end, Buffalo at the other, and Cleveland in the middle, and I don’t want to be associated with any of them.”

Meanwhile, Kingstie, the dragon monster of Lake Ontario, continues to live and work in Toronto and vacation in Montreal during the spring, loved and praised by all Canadians.

August 7, 2015
Muskrat and QT(pi)’s Team Up, Somehow, to Stop Giant Teddy Ruxbin

Muskrat file photo

By Buffy Bolivar

QUEENS, New York – In one of the strangest, and cutest, team-ups to date, Muskrat and the QTπ’s joined forces to stop a toy monster from rampaging through Queens today.

Muskrat, the clawed superhero who specializes in getting dirty, was in Brooklyn today for undisclosed reasons when he heard reports of a monster in Queens. The QTπ’s, the pre-teen, all-girls superhero team, were at a Mets game in Citi Field when the monster landed on the field. It was a giant Teddy Ruxbin that had gained sentience through the machinations of the QTπ’s archenemy, Count Von Badd and his son, Prince Von Badd.

The QTπ’s flew into action, pounding and zapping the giant Teddy Ruxbin with all their might, but the bear would not stop. It stomped all over the field, sending players and fans running, all the while asking if the girl superheroes wanted to be his friend. The QTπ’s reportedly declined.

Muskrat flew in a helicopter to the scene and dove onto the head of Teddy Ruxbin. He slashed through the hide of Teddy to get at the circuitry inside, but the bear spun its head in circles, sending him flying. Punch Girl caught him mid-air despite the fact Muskrat is four-times her size. This was when he realized the QTπ’s were on the scene and that he was fighting Teddy Ruxbin.

The girl superheroes became giddy at the sight of a Peace Force member teaming up with them, according to eye witnesses, and Muskrat didn’t know how to respond. Spotting an opening, Teddy Ruxbin tried to stomp on them while also trying to tell them a fairy tale. For the next several minutes, the QTπ’s and Muskrat concentrated on clearing the park of civilians while keeping the giant robotic bear from leaving.

Punch Girl and Muskrat flew around to the back of Teddy Ruxbin while Bomb Girl, Mad Madison, and Flower Power Girl kept its eyes on them. Muskrat cut into the paneling on Teddy’s back, and Punch Girl ripped it off. Inside was a giant cassette tape that appeared to be controlling the robot. Not knowing what it was, Punch Girl punched it into pieces, and the Teddy Ruxbin shut down.

A monitor behind the cassette tape showed Count and Prince Von Badd laughing maniacally and cursing the QTπ’s for ruining their plans, somehow alternating between those two verbalizations, and Punch Girl punched that, too. No one knows what the Von Badd’s plans ultimately were.

The QTπ’s were able to gather all the pieces of the Teddy Ruxbin and fly it to an NYPD evidence shelter for further investigation. They also managed to rebuild the destroyed parts of Citi Field, though the groundskeepers will need to resod part of the grass.

And of course, the QTπ’s got selfies with an uncomfortable Muskrat, all at once.

July 31, 2015