The New Romford Free Press

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Mayors Ask for Help as LA Gridlock Spreads

lagridlockby Buffy Bolivar

LOS ANGELES — The gridlock that is plaguing the Los Angeles metropolitan area has spread to include nearly all of the freeways and major thoroughfares.  The growth has forced mayors of all the cities to ask for help.

“We need the National Guard, the Peace Force, the Amazings, and anybody else with superpowers,” said LA Mayor Eric Garcetti.  “Our lives have effectively ground to a halt.  Our citizens can’t get to work, to their families and friends, or even their homes.  We need help.”

Twenty-five mayors echoed the sentiments of Garcetti in a joint conference call to the Governor and President.  The call was broadcast online from each of their offices as they could not physically be in the same room.

Even if the National Guard, Peace Force, or the Amazings were to help, it will be difficult to know where to start.  “Just look at this mess,” said KTLA traffic reporter Sally Martinez.  Via Skype, she showed the hundreds of red strings on an LA map in a news conference.  “Usually, it’s just a few spots here and there, but the traffic jams are literally everywhere.  I have no idea how to untangle this mess without just picking up all the vehicles and moving them somewhere.  There are millions of vehicles on these roads.”

“I don’t know how we unclog this mess.  I don’t suppose there’s a teleporter on the Peace Force, is there?”

For its part, the West Coast Peace Force is still up in space dealing with “an unknown intergalactic threat” according to the WCPF spokesperson.  The New Romford-based Peace Force said they’re “monitoring the situation and will help as time allows.”  The Amazings were not home at the moment, according to the Grainger Tower answering machine.

President Obama and Governor Jerry Brown have already stated their commitment to helping, but for now, they’re not sending in ground forces so as to not exacerbate the problem.  The National Guard has offered to airlift people to their homes via helicopters, something hospital helicopters have been doing for sick residents.

Some superpowered residents have assisted in small ways as well.  A man with ice powers has provided water to people stuck along the 5 and 605, and a woman with bat wings has flown a few people home in Anaheim.  Thankfully, no looting has occurred.  “Where would looters haul their stuff anyway?” said Martinez.  “Sure, they could steal a TV, but good luck getting across any of the four streets blocking your path home.”

But it’s not all good fortune.  The Terminator Gangs have taken control of the Los Angeles River, which is mostly dry at this time of the year, as it resembles the spillway scene from Terminator 2.  This has effectively cut off another avenue for citizens to travel.  And the Na’vi Nation, the other James Cameron-inspired street gang, who have painted their bodies blue and run around in loincloths, have infected the various wooded parts of the LA area.  Since they’re prone to jump around tall objects, they’re less centralized and have popped up in hundreds of spots.  Both groups have terrorized anyone who enters their territory, and their territory seems to change by the hour.

“I don’t know what to do,” said Pasadena resident, Idara Montero.  “I found three blue people hanging around in the trees behind my house, and they yelled at my husband when he asked them to go away.  Then they shot arrows at him, screaming some nonsense about Home Tree.  Now, we just leave them alone and hope they move on.”

“Seriously, I hate James Cameron movies.”