The New Romford Free Press

Category: National

  • Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

    Trump Claims Obama Is From a Parallel Universe

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallNEW YORK – Not content with seeing President Obama be born in person, business magnate Donald Trump now claims the president is from a parallel universe.  And he is spending millions to prove it.

    “How many parallel universes are there in the multiverse?” said Trump to the New York Times.  “Infinite, right?  How do we know the president wasn’t switched at birth with an evil version of himself?  Did anyone take pictures of him as a baby with a goatee?  We haven’t seen it because they’re hiding something from us, and I intend to prove it.”

    The multiverse is an ever-expanding field of study in cosmology as new parallel universes are discovered every year.  ATOM Labs has notated at least 12,000 different parallel universes in the past sixty years.  Many superheroes that reside in our universe, dubbed Universe-Prime, came from parallel universes, including Total Woman, Laser, and the android Qu8N-J.  A parallel universe can be different in subtle ways, where green means stop on traffic lights (Universe 2,144), or in significant ways, where the sun is green and lizards rule the world (Universe 8,401).

    Access to dimensional portals is restricted all around the world thanks to the Dimensional Portal Agreement of 1988.  To operate such a machine requires extensive inspection by the UN Superhuman Security Panel, and most would-be dimension hoppers are shut down before they even get started.  Iran tried to setup their own dimensional portal for “scientific reasons” in 2007, but they were shut down through several sanctions and a special “spray” Dr. Amazing made rendering an area immune to portal generation.  Even building a portal detector to determine if objects came from Universe-Prime requires scrutiny as it could still be used to generate portals.

    Somehow, Trump is passing all the inspections.  “We have nothing to hide here,” he said.  “The UN and Dr. Amazing are all welcome to watch us build the Trump Portal Detector at any time of the day.”

    A dozen floors in the Trump Tower have been converted from retail space to the Trump Portal Detector, and every UN inspector says it’s compliant.  “He’s following every mandate,” said inspector Thomas Gundel.  “The walls have been reinforced to sustain the pressure, the iridium is purified, and the whole room is spotless.  And gold.  That’s not really a necessity, but it’s as Mr. Trump wants it.”

    Trump expects the Trump Portal Detector to be completed in a couple months.  The White House had no comment.

  • Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

    Twin Cities Continue to Bicker, Rupture Ear Drums

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities have continued their bickering since they became sentient two days ago.  Crowds are gathering around to see the mouths for themselves, but at their own peril.

    University of Minnesota scientists and both city police forces have cordoned off several blocks around the mouths, both to monitor their continued bickering and to protect curious residents.  “The decibel levels are typically in the 90s,” said physics Professor John Stockman.  “That’s about as loud as a train whistle or jackhammer, and that’s when they talk at a normal level.  When they yell, it’s up in the 140s, which is as loud as an airplane.  That is very dangerous for human ears.”

    Even with the police perimeter, three UM students snuck in to see the Minneapolis mouth.  They threw beer cans into it without reaction.  They continued throwing beer cans, garbage cans, and rocks, but the giant maw didn’t seem to notice.  Then one student began to urinate into it, and that’s when it coughed and yelled.

    The sound vibrations caused a minor earthquake in downtown Minneapolis and triggered the St. Paul mouth to laugh hysterically, causing another minor earthquake in St. Paul.  Both were under 4.0 on the Richter scale.  While no property damage was reported, the eardrums of the UM students were completely shattered, and hundreds of residents reported ringing in their ears for several minutes.

    The Minneapolis police quickly arrested the three students and expanded their perimeter around the mouth.  “This is really dangerous,” said Minneapolis police chief, Andrew McDaniels, at an impromptu press conference outside the new perimeter.  “These gigantic mouths are nothing to be trifled with.  Please stay behind the perimeter for your own safety.”

    When reporters asked follow-up questions, McDaniels asked for them to be repeated several times, forcing everyone to yell for a half hour on the street.

  • Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

    Donald Trump Claims Obama Is A Clone

    By Falco Rockbert

    trumpsmallNEW YORK – Despite all evidence to the contrary, business magnate Donald Trump claimed today that President Obama was a clone.

    For months Trump has been questioning the president’s legitimacy as an American citizen.  Last year he sent a team to Hawaii to investigate Obama’s birth certificate, claiming that it was “missing.”  The following week the White House release the president’s long form Certificate of Live Birth from Hawaii, hoping to put the “controversy” to rest.

    It stayed alive, of course.  Trump and other birthers had requested on a daily basis to use Dr. Amazing’s time machine to see the president’s birth for themselves.  Eventually, Dr. Amazing relented, and, with the approval from the president with assurances nothing would be altered, he allowed journalists, politicians, and selected civilians to witness Obama’s birth in Honolulu in 1961.  Trump tagged along, footing half of the $10 million to operate the machine.  Most of the time travelers came back satisfied that President Obama was an American citizen (apart from the tragic fate of John Mahoney).  Trump was not.

    “This proves nothing,” said Trump in an interview with Fox News.  “All this shows is that Obama was born in Hawaii but not that he is who he says he is.  There’s a lot of time from when he was born to now.  How do we know he isn’t a clone?  We don’t.  In this world of supervillains and weirdoes, we’ve had hundreds of clones.  Even of superheroes.  How do we know the president isn’t a clone of some nefarious party?”

    While superheroes have been known to be switched with clones in the past, today they have methods of detecting such things.  Tarantula-Man was infamously switched with a clone over 20 years ago, a saga that wrecked his life.  It took him years to salvage his reputation, but a method to detect clones was discovered by ATOM Labs.

    “This is ludicrous,” said ATOM Labs professor, Sarah McLane.  “We scan every member of Congress, every member of the Supreme Court, and every member of the White House once a week.  There are no clones in Washington.”

    Trump was not swayed by this.  “Clearly, they’re in cahoots with the president,” he said.  “Why don’t they let the public see this?  Why is this behind closed doors?  I tried to go in and see it, but they turned me away.  They’re hiding something.”

    McLane says that the Clone Detector is available to view on the ATOM Labs tour but confirmed that they turned Trump away.  “We didn’t let him in because he was harassing everybody,” she said.  “This is a place for learning, sharing ideas, expanding human knowledge.  Not browbeating everyone who disagrees with you.”

    “Plus, his hair was scaring children.”

  • Dead Rapper Returns As Android

    Dead Rapper Returns As Android

    By Packie Williams

    CHICAGO – Late rapper, Mic-D returned onstage at a concert for long-time collaborator, Gray Matter, in the guise of an android.

    Gray Matter was performing the song, “Hilltop Love,” when he brought the Mic-D android out on stage.  “Hilltop Love” is one of the many collaborations between the two famed rappers, and up until now, had always been performed by one of Gray Matter’s road MCs or, occasionally, another famous rapper at a music festival or awards show.

    Mic-D, whose real name was Trevor Willis, died in 1997 from a gunshot wound while partying in Miami.  No one was ever charged for the apparent homicide, and his death sent shockwaves throughout the hip hop community.  Willis became a symbol to music fans all across the world as he rapped about his life, growing up poor in Los Angeles and struggling to deal with racism, poverty, and fame.  He was posthumously inducted into the Rock ‘N Roll Hall of Fame in 1998 and named one of Rolling Stone Magazine’s most influential artists of the 20th Century.

    Now, he is an android, rapping from a music file embedded in his cybernetic brain.

    At first, concert-goers were thrilled to see a robotic simulation of the beloved rapper on stage.  “I thought he had come back to life,” said Jennifer Rodgers.  “I mean, superheroes come back to life all the time, right?  But there’s was just something off about him.  He was too good, too on his game, you know?  His movements were weird.”

    “Of course, he’s going to look robotic,” said Gray Matter after the concert.  “He’s a robot for Christ’s sakes.  But he’s the best damn robot you’ll ever see.  It’s like Mic-D came back to life!”

    As concert-goers began to realize that Mic-D was resurrected as an android, devoid of the humanity that endeared him to his fans, they grew uncomfortable.  “This just feels weird,” said Matt Humel.  “It’s one thing to come back to life, but this is just wrong.”

    “Did his family know about this?” said Tony Chard.  “Did we pay for this?  I feel kind of gross having paid for this weird robot thing of Mic-D.  The man was a legend.  Can’t we leave well enough alone?”

    Gray Matter dismissed all suggestions that he was taking advantage of his late friend.  “Look, his death was one of the greatest losses the world has seen,” he said.  “His music is still played on radio to this day, bringing joy to millions of people.  I’m just doing my part to bring more joy to those people by making him a super cool android.”

    Asked about whether Willis’s family signed off on this, Gray Matter said he had to go.

  • Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

    Twin Cities Become Sentient, Bicker

    By Skip Daverman

    MINNEAPOLIS – The Twin Cities of Minneapolis and St. Paul were engulfed in a mysterious yellow light earlier today, and as a result, the Twin Cities became sentient and started to bicker.

    Scientists from the University of Minnesota were baffled as to the origin of the yellow light and about its curious effect.  “This is just crazy,” biology professor, Laura Stern said.  “The cities aren’t living organisms.  They’re inanimate objects, and on top of that, their boundaries are arbitrary.  It’s not like the land between them or the suburbs is different from each other.  How the light transformed the cities into sentient beings makes no sense whatsoever.

    “And the mouths they’ve developed in their respective downtowns are just creepy.”

    Various police and news helicopters have confirmed the existence of giant mouths in each city, both about 400-500 feet in length.  The Minneapolis mouth formed along the Mississippi River in Gold Medal and Mill Ruins Parks, destroying West Park Riverway in the process.  The St. Paul mouth formed along Kellogg Blvd, eating the cars, parking lot, and garage that were originally there.  And then the cities started to bicker.

    “I was just out on a jog when I heard this big boom,” said Minneapolis resident, Rob Serling.  “I don’t know how to describe it really, but it just sounded like a big deep boom.  Eventually, I was able to make out that it was English, but it was too loud to understand.”

    From a mile away, Minneapolis resident, Joy Wang, was able to understand it, mostly.  “It said something like, ‘You’re a poser, Paulie,’ in an almost sneering voice,” said Joy.  “’I’m where it’s at, and you’re a—something something.’  I couldn’t make out the rest, but then it laughed, and the ground shook.”

    Residents in St. Paul were just as confused.  “The mouth growled,” said Denise Black, who was walking to work.  “It was just a growl.  No words.  Then it said something about ‘at least I’m not full of hippies,’ and I couldn’t make out the rest.”

    The mayors of both cities and the governor of Minnesota could not be reached for comment at this moment.  The bickering has continued all day, bringing business to a halt.  “I’m just trying to sell my hot dogs,” said Minneapolis food truck vendor, Jack McHanahan of Hot Doggin’ The City.  “I mean, I make my own hot dogs.  They’re organic, local, free range gourmet hot dogs, the best in the state.  How am I supposed to sell anything if I can’t hear people’s orders from the constant yelling?”