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Birther Denies Own Birth, Ceases to Exist

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By Falco Rockbert

Leeds resident, John Mahoney, 43, who denied that President Barack Obama was born in Hawaii, began to question his own birth and thought himself out of existence.

John had been questioning Obama’s birthplace for years now, according to friends and family, despite evidence that confirmed Obama was born in Honolulu, Hawaii.  “He just wouldn’t listen,” said Mary Mahoney, his visibly distraught wife.  “It was ridiculous, of course, but John’s a stubborn man.  I didn’t think it would lead to this.”

Mary said she tried to get her husband off this conspiracy theory numerous times.  They examined Obama’s long form birth certificate and local Hawaiian newspapers that announced the president’s birth to no avail.  When Dr. Amazing allowed the one-time trip to 1961 Honolulu for journalists, politicians, and civilians who won a lottery (approved by the president and done by Dr. Amazing to stop the thousands of daily requests to go back to that time), Mary entered their names.  They were selected, and the Mahoneys and a friend went back in time.  “That trip cost us $10,000,” said his friend, Travis Buckner, “and he still didn’t believe it.  I mean, he saw Obama actually being born in Honolulu, and [he] still denied it.”

When they returned home, nothing could persuade John, and that was when Mary and his friends had had enough.  “I can’t remember exactly what was said,” his wife said, “but Travis was livid.  He said something like, ‘Well, how do you know you were born where you said you were?  How do you know you weren’t born in China?’  Then John just got really quiet and took a walk.”

Weeks passed as friends say John was a different person.  “He was quieter than normal,” said his neighbor, Carl Masterson.  “Usually he’s talking your ear off, but he just didn’t talk.  He seemed shaken.”

Mary remembered he took walks alone and stared, blankly, at the TV.  The last few days, he stayed home from work, sick.  He had a fever and vomited and mumbled to himself.  “He said something like, ‘How do I know I’m not Chinese?  I really like Panda Express,’” said Mary.  “I thought he was just having a hard time facing reality, like it was a physical reaction.  I thought he’d get over it eventually, but it just got worse.”

Last night, John started to violently tremble.  Mary dialed 911, and on the phone recording, John could be heard saying, “I can’t prove that I exist.  Therefore, I don’t exist.”  According to Mary, John seemed to fold in on himself, forming a single dot, and then he was gone with an audible blip.   John Mahoney had thought himself out of existence.

Dr. Amazing and ATOM Labs scientists examined the Mahoneys’ residence for clues but found none.  “I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before,” said Dr. Amazing.  “I’ve always respected the power of the human mind, but this is just incredible!  I mean, it’s tragic, of course, but this is just so fascinating.  I have no idea what happened here!”

Mary is staying with her mother in White Valley while the investigation continues.  It’s unknown whether her husband’s life insurance policy covers this as it could be construed as a suicide and therefore ineligible for benefits.

President Obama had no comment.