The New Romford Free Press

Category: Space

  • Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

    Appottomaxx Sector Declares Itself ‘Earth-Free’

    By Karna Firaliz

    APPOTTOMAXX SECTOR, Milky Way Galaxy – One of the largest sectors in the Milky Way Galaxy has declared itself to be an “Earth-Free Zone,” effective immediately.

    The Appottomaxx Sector is located in the Perseus Arm and contains over 6,000 star systems and over 1,500 autonomous empires, nations, and polities.  The Perseus Arm is the closest outer arm of the Milky Way to the Cygnus Arm, where Earth resides.  It is also one of the sectors Earthlings tend to visit most, especially when traveling out of the galaxy.

    “We have long allowed the Earthlings to pass through our sector unimpeded,” read a statement from Lord Yungue of the Yanklu Empire on behalf of 1,328 nations.  “At first, we greeted them with open arms.  Earth was a young planet who recently learned the joys of space travel.  We wished to aid them, wished to teach them, wished to learn from them.  But now, we can no longer allow them into our sector.”

    “Earthlings have started at least six intergalactic wars in the past 40 Time Cycles [roughly 65 Earth years], and when that happens, armies travel through our sector to fight them.  We have nothing to do with these wars, yet we still get attacked.  And Earthlings are fond of acquiring doomsday weapons and intergalactic cosmic entities, and our empires suffer the consequences.”

    “And on top of all of this, Earthlings think they’re the center of the cosmos.  They have no respect for our people, and they invite chaos and mischief.”

    “For all of these reasons and more, we are closing off our sector to Earthlings.  We are an Earth-Free Zone, effective immediately.  All Earthlings must vacate our sector in three Day Cycles [about two Earth days] or else they will be escorted out by force.  Any spaceship with an Earthling onboard, even if it didn’t originate from Earth will not be permitted into our sector.  We will use force if needed.”

    The Earth’s governments are aware of the decree but have not responded, possibly because very few of them have space programs or know where the Appottomaxx Sector is.

  • Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    Space News Roundup: Skull Planet, 36-Year Campaign, the Cutest Volcanic Explosion, and Resort Planetoids

    spacenews

    PLANET PEACE, f.k.a. SKULL PLANET – The pirates who “overthrew” the planet formerly known as Planet Peace have apparently grown bored of the planet they renamed Skull Planet.  After a two-week occupation, the pirates have left the planet, whatever its name is now.  Ostensibly, control of the planet has returned to the previous inhabitants, but reports show the pirates left the inhabitants worse for wear.  When the pirates were disappointed in the orgies, they ransacked much of the planet, stole as many valuables as they could find, which turned out to be rocks and blankets, and consumed all of their drugs.  And they punched the inhabitants for fun.  When they became bored with the punching, they left on their own accord.  The inhabitants have asked for food, medicine, and any recreational drugs neighboring planets can spare.

    URT  – The planet Urt has finally decided on when to hold their election for Leader of the Planet.  The 18 candidates have been campaigning for the past 36 Earth years, and frankly, everyone is exhausted.  Elections for Leader of the Planet usually happen on a regular interval, once every 4 Urt years (6 Earth years).  But somehow Urt stopped revolving around its sun, so the Urt year never advanced.  How the planet got stuck is unknown.  The scientists’ best guess in an anomaly in the fabric of spacetime, and they’re still trying to get it moving again.  While the seasons have all but stopped, Urt has found ways to survive, but they still don’t know whether or not to advance their calendars, which has led to the 36 year campaign season.  Finally, after much bureaucratic debate, the government has determined a date to hold the election (50 Urt days from now).  As expected, the primary campaign issue has been getting the planet moving again.

    MARPIE – Marpie, the planetoid that was birthed by Marp, had its first volcanic eruption last week, and it was just the cutest volcanic eruption in the galaxy, according to witnesses.

    CARRIAN RESORT PLANETOIDS – The construction project of customized, luxury planetoids known as the Carrian Resorts suffered a setback recently when two asteroids exploded apart when they were being fused together.  The two asteroids apparently had pockets of water and methane that the construction crews of Omin Ookeil Harpin Nlokmo Ordingists (OOHNO) had not detected, and when they attempted to fuse them together, they created a massive explosion.  Rocks flew everywhere, destroying several planetoids in construction and damaging several more in a violent chain reaction.  No one was seriously harmed in the accident, according to the OOHNO, but now asteroids are flying all over the galaxy.  OOHNO lawyers said that they would not be liable for damages as the accident occurred in intergalactic space, and thus are not subject to planetary laws.

  • Space News Roundup: Energy Blasts, a Multi-Galactic Planet, and Skull Planet

    Space News Roundup: Energy Blasts, a Multi-Galactic Planet, and Skull Planet

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    SAGITTARIUS ARM, Milky Way Galaxy – The energy blasts of two god-like beings, Orto and Monku, from 1,000 Earth years ago have finally made their way to the Milky Way Galaxy.  Orto and Monku’s ferocious battle is the stuff of legends, and it cost both beings their lives.  The reasoning for their epic battle is up for debate among historian, politicians, and the religious followings of each warrior, but one thing is known.  Their energy blasts were so enormous and powerful that they’ve been traveling the universe, passing through galaxy after galaxy for over 1,000 Earth years, destroying everything in their path.  Now, they’re headed for the Sagittarius Arm of the Milky Way in the next two Earth weeks, but as they’ve dissipated significantly over the past millennium, their strength isn’t expected to destroy any planets.  Planets with proper shielding will survive with minimal disruption while everything else can expect mild destruction.

    PLANET ARTHI, Pegasus Galaxy & Andromeda Galaxy – In a strange case of spacetime entanglement, the single planet of Arthi is currently residing in both the Pegasus and Andromeda Galaxy simultaneously.  Normally a resident of the Pegasus Galaxy, Arthi got sucked into a rift in spacetime, similar to a wormhole, and now half of the planet is residing in the Andromeda Galaxy.  Thankfully, that new location was already empty and rotating a star, but its location in the Andromeda is nearly 10 million Earth miles farther away from its star in the Pegasus Galaxy.  Arthians have migrated to the Pegasus side for warmth and have asked for help from neighboring planets as all their most advanced technology is currently stuck on the Andromeda side, freezing over.

    SKULL PLANET, formerly Planet Peace – An army of just 500 pirates overthrew the loose collection of “governments” of what used to be known as Planet Peace.  The inhabitants colonized the planet in the Pegasus Galaxy some 2,000 Earth years ago, and with the express purpose of being a peaceful, non-warring society.  Planet Peace attracted pacifists from all over the galaxy, and each group of settlers formed “governments,” which were little more than committees that planned parties, meditation séances, and the occasional orgy.  Money was outlawed, and the inhabitants relied on a barter system.  With no economy to speak of, Planet Peace was at peace for its entire existence, until last week when the pirates invaded.  They overthrew the “governments” in two Earth days.  The pirates’ stated they came to the planet for the orgies, but seeing as the next orgy wasn’t scheduled for another month, they became angry and started a fight.  Since Planet Peace had no military, the pirates ended up overthrowing the planet by accident.  The inhabitants willingly submitted to their new overlords, but the pirates just asked them to schedule an orgy for the following week.  They renamed the planet Skull Planet because it sounded cooler.

  • Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    Space News Roundup 11.6.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN, JNNKO Empire – A space whale got stuck in JNNKO Wormhole 3 (JW3), causing a traffic jam for thousands of light-years.  JW3 connects the home planet of ANNNKN with several outlying systems, and space “whales” (which only resemble Earth whales in appearance) are known to roam throughout several galaxies.  Thousands of space ships run into a herd of them swimming through the cosmos each year, killing hundreds of sentient beings and space whales.  Somehow one flew into JW3, knocking dozens of ships out of the line to enter JW3, and it got lodged in the wormhole.  Normally, JW3 expands to fit the size of the ship, but the space whale came in too fast for the wormhole to expand.  It took workers half a day to wedge open the wormhole without losing their tools in the curvature of spacetime, but they eventually got the space whale through by cutting off its fins.  JW3 returned to normal functionality, and the space whale was eaten by the JNNKOs.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – Upon further inspection of the mysterious pyramid on their moon, Mongolian scientists have discovered that the structure is thankfully not a doomsday weapon as they had feared.  Instead, the pyramid is actual an orifice for the moon, as it has somehow become a living organism.  It began excreting “fecal matter” from the pyramid, or at least that’s what the Mongolian scientists hoped.  They are currently looking for a mouth of some sort.

    LOQ, Andromeda Galaxy – The Loq Kingdom announced that they’ve purged their planet of all doomsday weapons and objects with the hopes of reducing the number of world-destroying plots by villains and invading races.  The last object, The Crystal Orb of Hogs, which has the power to control minds, was expelled to an undisclosed pocket dimension.  Before, Loq contained 28 doomsday objects at its height, some of which were hidden on Earth back in the 60s, and as a result was always in a battle for its planet’s survival.  The current Oh Regime, seeing this constant struggle, made the removal of these doomsday objects from its planet and star system a top priority.  “We’ve seen what this has done to our people,” said King Jol Um Oh, “and we’ve seen what this has done to similar planets like JNNKN and Earth.  It was dumb.  Stupid.  What the hog were we thinking?  They may advance science by leaps and bounds, but at what cost?”  While his reasoning is sensible, many leaders are certain King Oh kept at least one doomsday object for himself for emergencies.

    ASTEROID BELT 34, Pegasus Galaxy – Several asteroids suddenly sprouted tentacles and attacked travelers on vacation.  No word yet on what creatures are living in the asteroids or how many sentient beings were killed, but authorities have advised travelers to avoid asteroid belts for now as they figure out this tentacle situation.

  • The Telori Go to Gigano to ‘Travel to the Future’

    The Telori Go to Gigano to ‘Travel to the Future’

    by Karna Firaliz

    PLANET GIGANO – After the recent discovery of the Crakosi troop that was stuck on Gigano, who emerged recently still believing that Galactic War 4 was still going on, a business venture is now selling the Telori the chance to “travel to the future” by landing on Gigano for a day or more.

    The increased gravity well of Gigano creates a time dilation that slows down time on the planet’s surface.  The speed of time outside of Gigano goes by at its normal pace, due to special relativity, and a decade can pass for every day experienced on Gigano.  While most beings would prefer to steer clear of this gravitational time dilation because they have family and friends, some are more than willing to hurl themselves into the future.

    “I’m just ahead of my time,” said Ur Unger, one of the first to sign up for the business venture, which is named Poe Moops after the cofounders.  “I was born in the wrong era.  My consciousness exists on the ethereal plane, and no one here understands me.  I really feel like I need to travel to the future, to a time when my fellow Telori will get me.  Someday, society will accept a relationship between a Telori and a ghost.  It just has to.”

    “Oh, I have family and friends,” said Ro Rooger, another first traveler, “but I hate them, so I hope they’re all dead by the time I return.”

    Poe Poomwert and Moops Moopley, the cofounders of Poe Moops, bought a section of land on Gigano last month and sent drones to set up a landing site on the surface.  Of course, with the time dilation, they won’t know of any disruptions to the landing site in the centuries that have passed on Gigano, but they’re optimistic that it will still exist by the time they send Telori there.

    “We’ve designed those drones ourselves for other planet-colonizing ventures,” said Moops.  “We know they work.  But to be safe, we’re equipping all spaceships with drones to make any repairs if anything has disturbed the original landing site in the intervening years.”

    “Most of all,” said Poe, “we saw an opportunity here.  Many Telori want to see what the future holds for us, and they just want to jump into it.  No one wants to wait for future innovations.  Maybe they’ll have personal teleportation machines in the future or a cure for mandible cancer.  That’s so exciting to think about, and some Telori want to see it in their lifetimes.  Now we can.”

    Poe and Moops said they will not make the jump themselves as someone has to run the company, and they also said that sending Telori with mandible cancer to the future is too risky at this point as space travel taxes the body too much.

  • Living Planet Gives Birth to Healthy Planetoid

    Living Planet Gives Birth to Healthy Planetoid

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    By Karna Firaliz

    MARP QUADRANT, Andromeda Galaxy – The living planet, Marp, has finally given birth to a healthy planetoid last night after going into labor 21 Earth years ago.  Marp was pregnant for the past 430 Earth years.

    Marp is a living planet with a healthy ecosystem living on its surface like most life-bearing planets.  But this planet came to be a living creature on its own at least 2 billion Earth years ago through unknown circumstances.  It was thought that living planets were unique phenomena in the cosmos with only 8 known to exist across 1,200 explored galaxies.  But with this birth, it appears there may be more, and they may be related.

    “It’s amazing and beautiful,” said Jorpo Crumguggin, a scientist living on Marp.  “Once you get used to the constant earthquakes, Marp’s labor was a sight to behold.  We could see the baby bump for miles in the southern hemisphere, and to see it expand over the centuries was astonishing.  Frightening as [expletive], but still astonishing.”

    Life on Marp has been a near constant state of earthquakes for the past 21 years, but Marpians grew accustomed to it.  They built their houses and structures to be earthquake-resistant, and their engineers are heralded as the best disaster-oriented engineers throughout the Local Group.  The non-sentient life has also evolved to accommodate the shaky surface.  Most lifeforms now have some sort of wobbly joints or shock-absorbing foot pads.

    But the 21-year earthquakes have, understandably, hurt business on Marp.  “No one wanted to come here,” said Iomop Plumduggin, a local business leader.  “I can’t blame non-Marpians, though.  It took me three years to get used to the earthquakes.  Our economy has relied largely on subsistence from other planets and leasing out our engineers.”

    “But now that Mother Marp has finally given birth, maybe things will pick up.  People will surely come to see the cute little planetoid.”

    Mother Marp’s birth has left a gigantic crater in her surface, but by all accounts, both the mother and the baby planetoid, which is residing in the planet’s orbit much like a moon, are healthy.  Scientists plan on landing on the planetoid to check for diseases and to clean it, but they want to give the mother and baby some time to themselves.

    Scientists are also eager to see if the planetoid will grow and leave its mother’s orbit in the coming centuries.  “If this is how living planets come into being,” said Crumguggin, “and for all we know, this could be the first time this has ever happened, then it’ll be interesting to see if the planetoid grows up like most lifeforms.  And if so, how long does it take?  Will it leave our orbit, or will we be pulled into two different directions by the two opposing gravitational pulls?  There are just so many fascinating questions.”

    “Also, just look how cute it is.  I just want to pinch its tiny little craters!”

  • Crakosi Troop on Planet Gigano Still Believes Galactic War 4 Is Happening

    Crakosi Troop on Planet Gigano Still Believes Galactic War 4 Is Happening

    By Karna Firaliz

    PLANET GIGANO – After crashing on the gigantic planet Gigano in the outer Milky Way over 150 Earth years ago, a troop of Crakosi soldiers blasted off from Gigano and attacked a Telori freight ship, still thinking that Galactic War 4 was happening.

    For Earthlings unfamiliar with Outer Milky Way history, Galactic War 4 was a conflict between primarily the Crakosi and the Telori that started when a Telori passenger ship was destroyed in an asteroid belt via unusual means.  The Telori believed the Crakosi, their longtime enemies, to be responsible, and the fourth Galactic War began.  After 12 Earth years of battle among 320 star systems and 87 nations, the Crakosi side won, leaving millions dead.  Over the past century, tensions between the two nations have relaxed, and they’ve become trading partners and allies.

    Gigano is a gigantic planet four times the size of Jupiter with a gravitational pull 40 times greater than Earth with, apparently, a 150 Earth year gravitational time dilation.

    “It’s the reason no one ever goes there,” said Telori physicist, Mjorn A2.  “The heavy gravity slows down time so much that when you leave, decades have passed to those outside of the planet’s gravitational pull.  Who knows how much time this crew experienced?  It was probably [an Earth week or two] to them.  But to us, [150 Earth years].  So of course they think the war’s still going on.”

    The Crakosi troop attacked Telori freight ship App App 2833 after recognizing the Telori flag on its side.  The crew didn’t try to fight back when the Crakosi drew their weapons, so thankfully, no one was hurt.  But the mixture of Telori and Crakosi crew members on the App App tipped the soldiers off that something was amiss.

    The troop leader read the ship’s manifest to see the date, and that was the end of the takeover.  The leader asked the ship’s captain about the war.  After some initial confusion, the captain explained how the war was over and the two nations were friends now.  The future shock left the Crakosi troops dazed and confused.  Eventually, they left.

    “They were really shaken up,” said Ion Mattoix, the ship captain.  “They really took it hard, don’t you know, and I can’t even imagine what they be thinking.  It’s a hard life to be a soldier, and to think their loved ones be gone to the sands of time, aye, what a lot they be.  What a lot.”

    The Crakosi and Telori are reportedly investigating the incident and hope to find the lost crew.