The New Romford Free Press

Category: Space

  • Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    Space News Roundup 7.28.15

    spacenews

    By Karna Firaliz

    OORT CLOUD – Local Group Police (LGP) have arrested 230 sentient beings and their hideous steeds on suspicion of plotting a quantillium shipment that was due to come through the Oort Cloud two Earth weeks from now.  The sentient beings, a mixture of several space pirate brigades, galaxy drifters, and anti-matter bandits, were hiding out on the various planetesimals, and somehow hid their steeds (interstellar whales, snakes, and a smattering of living motorcycles) behind the small hunks of ice and rock.  The LGP was tipped off to their location after a brawl between two rival pirate brigades broke out and turned explosive after touching the anti-matter bandits.  The light from explosions reflected off the icy rocks and reached a nearby LGP outpost roughly 300,000 Earth kilometers away.  The LGP armada was called in and made the arrests after a 5 Earth-hour laser fight.

    MONGOLIA, Pegasus Galaxy – A mysterious pyramid suddenly appeared on Mongolia’s moon, ominously pointing at the planet.  Mongolian officials (note:  this planet just coincidentally shares its name with the Earth nation) sent up a team to investigate.  Reportedly, the Mongolian government suspected it was a volcano, but with its four symmetrical sides, they feared it will be a doomsday weapon.

    TROT, Milky Way Galaxy – Cart Befer Moop, the famed Loorian explorer, who was on a mission to chart every planet in the Milky Way Galaxy, tragically died three Earth days ago when she was eaten by a living planet in the Sagittarius Arm.  Her ship along with its  records were spat out by the planet, and it landed on the planet Trot.  Before Moop died, she had charted 3,429 planets, planetoids, and moons.  She was only 745 Earth year old, young by her species’ standards.

    S’TOK, Andromeda Galaxy – A group of JNNKO college students ransacked the peaceful, solipsistic beings of S’Tok, famous for not believing anyone or anything outside of their planet actually exists.  The college students were rowdy, drinking alcohol at all hours of the day, taking food right out of the local S’Tok’s hands, and pushing and hitting the locals, all without resistance.  A pair of Xim tourists happened to be in the vicinity and did their best to help the locals, but the college students outnumbered them.  When they finally got bored, the JNNKO college students left five villages in shambles.  When asked by the Xim tourists why they let the college students do this to them, the S’Tok wondered how the destruction happened.  The local police arrived on the scene, but they wouldn’t take down the Xims statements because they didn’t believe the Xims actually existed.  Exasperated, the Xim tourists left S’Tok in disgust.

  • Scientist Warns Against Throwing Nuclear Weapons into Sun

    Scientist Warns Against Throwing Nuclear Weapons into Sun

    By Karna Firaliz

    UOP, Milky Way Galaxy – A leading scientist on planet Uop in the Saggitarius Arm of the Milky Way Galaxy warned his planet’s governments to stop throwing nuclear weapons into their sun for fear of destabilizing it.

    Aem Jil’mo, one of Uop’s leading physicists, submitted his findings to his nation’s Supreme Council.  “We’ve successfully removed tons of our planet’s nuclear waste via dumping it into our sun,” his report read.  “So far, it has proved useful in cleaning up our environment, but it is taking a toll on our sun.  The nuclear weapons detonate when they hit the sun, and now, those explosions are disrupting its internal fusion process.  I fear that if this continues the sun will destabilize, possibly explode.  We must stop this now.”

    Jil’mo’s nation did not respond well to the report, calling it “delusional,” “apocalyptic,” and “dumb.”  These comments coming from his scientific rivals and business leaders.  The other nations on Uop didn’t provide much support.

    “See, I like Aem,” said Irm Pwem, a rival scientist.  “Generally, he’s a good guy and knows his stuff, but the sun is going to explode from throwing nuclear weapons into it?  Come on.  The sun is huge and is a giant nuclear fusion reactor itself.  Throwing a [candle] into a [the Uop equivalent of a forest fire] doesn’t make it blow up.”

    “Aem has a pattern of apocalyptic thinking,” said Opper L’ol, a politician who regularly works with Jil’mo.  “Last year he thought a string of uopquakes meant that Uop was going to explode.  Now this.  Do you know that he even built a rocketship for his infant son, that he was going to send his son to another planet, by himself, in case Uop exploded?  I mean, if you have the time to build a rocketship, why not make it big enough for your entire family?  You’re just going to shoot your infant into space and hope for the best?  Stupid.”

    For his part, Jil’mo acknowledged that his previous theory was flawed but only because his sentient computer program, Mindor, had fed him misleading data.  He claims to have fixed the errors in Mindor’s programming.

    “I’ve double-checked my numbers,” he said.  “I even wrote them out on paper and did the calculations by hand, and they corroborate what Mindor found.  Throwing nuclear weapons into the sun is a bad idea.  Even if it doesn’t lead to anything apocalyptic, it still encourages the wasteful exploitation of our planet’s resources and destabilizes international relations.”

    While it looks like Uop’s nations will need more convincing, Jil’mo has reportedly expanded his rocketship to carry two passengers, and his wife gave birth to a girl three months ago.

  • Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

    Universal Translators Disabled in JNNKO Empire, Havoc Ensues

    By Karna Firaliz

    ANNNKN – Hackers in the JNNKO Empire of the Andromeda Galaxy disabled billions of universal translators yesterday, wreaking havoc in over 300 star systems.

    Like most intergalactic empires, the JNNKO use universal translators to automatically translate the languages of its people and the people they interact with on a daily basis.  The JNNKO Empire spans over 200 star systems by themselves but regularly do business with another 100 star systems, kingdoms, and empires.  While they don’t have any official languages, the JNNKO is known to speak over 5,000 languages.

    Needless to say, universal translators are essential to run their empire.  With the translation network disabled, everything turned to chaos.

    “Nobody here has learned a second language,” said JN-001, Language Coder and Decrypter for IONN, the leading communications provider for the empire.  “We’ve all grown up in an era where machines learn those languages for us, and some people barely know a first language.  The translators are so good they can translate guttural noises.  Some people just grunt at each other, and the translators make it understandable to anyone.”

    The network went down yesterday at noon in the capital city, SUNNK, on ANNNKN.  The media and financial centers were first to notice the disruption, and the markets dropped 2.5 billion money points in one JNNKO Time Unit (about 50 Earth minutes).  Then the parliament went into disarray when lawmakers began to speak “gibberish” debating a new bill.  Schools, businesses, traffic, and interactions with the police descended into a chaotic mess.  Thousands of fights broke out over simple miscommunications.

    The biggest problem was transportation.  The translators also translated signs on highways, and hundreds of mile-long traffic jams were reported everywhere on ANNNKN.  Then, there were the airships.  Without the translators, airships couldn’t communicate with the air traffic controllers.  Some airships were able to find an empty landing strip or platform, but many had to circle airports for hours.  Luckily, some of the older controllers spoke multiple languages and could communicate with the pilots to safely land every airship.

    And this was just on ANNNKN.  The outer planets and spaceways in the JNNKO Empire weren’t quite as lucky as ANNNKN, which has a highly advanced infrastructure and varied populace.  The chaos on the other planets was much worse, resulting in thousands of injuries and trillions of monies in damages.  After about six JNNKO Time Units, the translation network was back online.  It was a costly day in the JNNKO Empire.

    “The real question is who did this and why,” said JN-001.  “We have many enemies, but most of them would also be negatively affected by this as well.  We use the same translators for business and diplomatic relations.  A terrorist network could be possible, though if they wanted us to understand their message, this would be counterintuitive.  I’m hoping it’s just some dumb kids.  PLARG rest their souls.”

    JNNKO Prime, the king of the JNNKO Empire, did not release a statement, but officials said they are investigating the hack and will punish the perpetrators to the fullest extent of the law.

  • Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    Earth Ranked “Most Destructive Planet” in Milky Way

    By Karna Firaliz

    ZATION V NEBULA – The Milky Way Report, issued about once every 2 Earth years by the Zation V Council, once again ranked Earth as the “Most Destructive Planet” in the galaxy.  This is the sixth time Earth has been ranked as such.

    The Zation V Council surveys all known planets in the Milky Way and neighboring galaxies on categories such as wealth, education, health, technological advancement, species unification, galactic reach, and destructiveness to itself and the galaxy as a whole.  While Earth ranked in the top 50 for wealth and galactic reach, it did not even crack the top 1,000 for the other categories.  But destructiveness was the one category it led in, and it’s easy to see why.

    “Earth, for some reason, lies at the nexus point for so many galactic conflicts,” read the report.  “They contain thousands of superpowered beings, many of which have abilities that literally tear at the fabric of spacetime, and some of whom are determined to do just that.  Earth is also home to no less than 12 galactic doomsday objects.  As such, they are also involved in many conflicts with beings from other planets for control of said doomsday objects or for revenge on any of their so-called ‘superheroes’.”

    The report pointed out that, while its position in the galaxy secluded it from most inhabited planets in the galaxy, Earth still found ways to inject some of its superhumans into galactic affairs.  The Cardessian Space Portal was originally used to connect Cardess to Saturn’s moon, Titan, back in the 1960s, but with the space race between the US and USSR, Earth eventually found the portal and used it for its own purposes.  The Peace Force and the Amazings have also engaged in 6 off-planet wars just by themselves, and Professor George Quinton reportedly had an affair with Princess Jinora of the Xim Empire in the 1970s that he chalked up to “space sickness”.

    Due to all of this, the title “Most Destructive” is a relative one.  The Cardessians, for instance, are more technologically advanced than Earth and have more galactic doomsday objects, but its empire is spread out over 34 planets and moons, along with its doomsday objects.

    “Earth is just big enough to contain enough superpowered beings, doomsday objects, and lack of species unification,” read the report, “to warrant the destructiveness title.  Many of its nations are on the brink of ruin, and some of them contain those objects.  Couple that with the numerous conflicts that have nearly destroyed the galaxy and the universe, it’s a wonder Earth hasn’t blown up already and taken all of existence along with it.”

    Earth’s leaders did not respond to the report.

  • Planet Harulia Loves Earth Culture for This Weird Reason

    Planet Harulia Loves Earth Culture for This Weird Reason

    by Karna Firaliz

    HARULIA — A distant planet in the Crab Nebula has just received some of the first early television transmissions ever projected from Earth (with the aid of neighboring spaceways), and they reportedly love Earth culture.  And Earthlings may not like the reason.

    “These Earthlings are just talking Plaqars!” said one Harulian on their version of the internet.  “My Grobnar, are you kidding me?  Earthlings are actually Plaqars?  That ups the fondul, positive!”

    While the intricacies of Harulian slang are difficult to explain to non-Harulians, Plaqars are not.  On Harulia, one of the non-sentient animals is a human-looking creature called a Plaqar.  It crawls around on its four limbs, climbs trees, hangs down from the limbs when it urinates or defecates (oftentimes onto the vehicles of the Harulians), and is generally an annoying pest.  They are one of the most hated animals on the planet, and they just happen to look exactly like a Caucasian Human from planet Earth.

    “Pop pop pop!” said another Harulian, using their favorite slang version of “LOL”.  “This is hilarious!  Earth is actually run by walking, talking Plaqars?  How have they not been conquered yet?  For serious, Grobnar, juice them, positive fondul!”

    “I’ve always thought Plaqars were cute,” said one Plaqar-loving Harulian, a small but vocal group of Plaqar-rights activists.  “Their smooth, hairless bodies and weird grabby hands, I love them!  I’ve had one as a pet, and once you train them not to [expletive] on your vehicle, they’re really quite grooval.  Positive!”

    Coincidentally, Harulians look exactly like giant walking, talking Earth rats, but they don’t seem fazed when told this.  “We are whatever those things are called,” said an anonymous Harulian.  “And I don’t feel any remorse for laughing at these dumb talking Plaqars.  For serious, are these things real?  The Jolophins aren’t pulling a prank on us with this fondul, right?”

    The Jolophins, by the way, look like giant walking, talking Earth cats and have been at odds with Harulia for centuries.

  • Besides Walking Trees, Cosmic Rays Pass By Harmlessly

    Besides Walking Trees, Cosmic Rays Pass By Harmlessly

    By Chase Chapley

    The cosmic rays that hit Earth yesterday passed by without much damage apart from the walking trees of Loyalsock State Forest in northern Pennsylvania.

    ATOM Labs saw that a cloud of cosmic radiation was headed toward Earth last week and predicted they’d hit our planet yesterday somewhere between 5:00 am and early this morning in a large area of the Eastern Coast. What was expected to be an off day for much of the country turned out to last about two hours. The cosmic radiation hit Earth at about 7:49 am and ended at about 10:03 am. But scientists and the National Guard in 12 states spent the next two to three hours scanning for any remaining radiation and to search for any mutations.

    The only known mutation was in northern Pennsylvania in the Loyalsock State Forest. Roughly 140 trees had mutated legs and began walking around, bumping into one another because they did not mutate eyes to see where they were going. By the time a helicopter had reached the forest, half of the trees had fallen on their backs and couldn’t get back up because they also did not mutate arms. All in all, the walking trees were corralled into a farm 25 miles away where they are being monitored by scientists. The farm owner is reportedly keeping a chainsaw on hand “just in case”.

    The cause of the radiation was still not definitively known. Since no one became the new savior of Earth or the galaxy, it’s assumed that the radiation wasn’t some cosmic power choosing its new host. The energy signature does seem reminiscent of some alien weapons the Peace Force has come in contact with before, so the likely answer is this was a massive energy discharge from a starship thousands of light years from Earth. It’s even possible the radiation came from a battle that occurred thousands of years ago, assuming it didn’t travel through a wormhole.

    By late afternoon, the All Clear was given by ATOM Labs and the White House, and residents were told to take off their lead-lined vests and helmets and to vacate their bomb shelters. Earth has dodged yet another cosmic bullet.

  • ‘Asteroidball’ League’s Planetary Destruction Rate Up 20%

    ‘Asteroidball’ League’s Planetary Destruction Rate Up 20%

    CCL Logo
    CCL Logo

    by Karna Firaliz

    PLON QUADRANT, Cornac Galaxy — The intergalactic sport, Ch’chup, a.k.a. “Asteroidball,” is one of the most popular sports in the known universe.  It’s fast-paced action and elaborate space strategies has propelled eight professional leagues into the top grossing entertainments across thirteen galaxies.  But there has always been collateral damage from each match, and more and more planets are getting destroyed along the way.

    According to the Intergalactic Sporting Authority (ISA), which regulates the destructiveness of sports in the universe, Ch’chup’s planetary destruction rate has increased 20% in the past five Earth years.  “Asteroids are regularly sent astray during a match,” read the report, “and generally, the leagues have representatives to catch those strays before they do any damage.  But lately, the leagues have not been doing their jobs to the same effectiveness.  As a result, more and more planets are being slammed by these asteroids, and many of them are inhabited by sentient beings, and in some cases, the destruction has nearly made some races extinct.”

    The report lists a number of factors for the uptick in planetary destruction.  The leagues have altered the rules on Ch’chup that favor the passing game, resulting in players throwing more asteroids than they did 10 Earth years ago*.  The increased passing attempts have made for greater ratings, and if fans can catch a stray asteroid, they can keep it for a souvenir.  And some leagues have let go some of their employees who catch strays to cut down on costs.

    CCL Commissioner, J’ol Gordoon, has vigorously defended his league and has downplayed the statistics reported by the ISA.  “Everyone knows that Ch’chup is a violent sport,” he said.  “It has always been, and we’ve always done our best to avoid the complete annihilations of species.  But we work with every solar system to have an arena** where the destruction will be minimal.  And sometimes the gravitational pulls of planets and stars take over, and you can’t argue with physics.”

    But not every solar system is happy to have a Ch’chup arena.  The 8-Cnal system in the Cornac Galaxy nearly had their entire planet destroyed by a series of eight asteroids from one match.  “If we didn’t have a force field to stop the first three,” said Ruler 134-Cpoll, “we would’ve been killed by the impact and dust clouds that would’ve blocked the sun for the next 300 years.  40% of our population died that day and another 20% died over the last two years.  We’re barely surviving now.

    “As much as I enjoy a good Ch’chup match, the CCL and other leagues need to take better precautions to stop genocide.”

    Commissioner Gordoon did not comment.