The New Romford Free Press

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ALERT: Cosmic Ray Warning for Next Tuesday

By Chase Chapley

ATOM Labs has issued a Cosmic Ray Warning for next Tuesday, starting at 5:00 AM EST and lasting until at least early Wednesday morning.  The affected area ranges from Hartford, CT to Raleigh, NC, and from Erie, PA, to roughly 200 miles east of Long Island.  Residents are advised to wear the most current editions of lead-lined vests and helmets or, if they do not have any vests or helmets, to spend the day in a bomb shelter.

The source of the cosmic rays hurtling towards Earth is still unknown.  ATOM Labs is still studying the nature of the radiation.  According to the statement released with the warning, this could be volcanic fumes from a toxic planet that just erupted, or it could be the lost energy from alien warships fired from their plasma rifles, or it could be some unknown cosmic force that’s searching for a new host.  No matter what it is, they will monitor it and provide any relevant updates as necessary.

The cosmic rays are expected to vary in intensity within the warning zone.  Some areas will be hit harder than others, and the effects of the radiation are also unknown.  Some mutations are to be expected, and perhaps someone will gain superpowers, but ATOM Labs advises people not to try this.  President Obama has issued a preemptive state of emergency for all states within the warning zone and is currently working with each governor to prepare for any problems.

More information will be made available as the cosmic rays get closer to Earth.