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Besides Walking Trees, Cosmic Rays Pass By Harmlessly

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By Chase Chapley

The cosmic rays that hit Earth yesterday passed by without much damage apart from the walking trees of Loyalsock State Forest in northern Pennsylvania.

ATOM Labs saw that a cloud of cosmic radiation was headed toward Earth last week and predicted they’d hit our planet yesterday somewhere between 5:00 am and early this morning in a large area of the Eastern Coast. What was expected to be an off day for much of the country turned out to last about two hours. The cosmic radiation hit Earth at about 7:49 am and ended at about 10:03 am. But scientists and the National Guard in 12 states spent the next two to three hours scanning for any remaining radiation and to search for any mutations.

The only known mutation was in northern Pennsylvania in the Loyalsock State Forest. Roughly 140 trees had mutated legs and began walking around, bumping into one another because they did not mutate eyes to see where they were going. By the time a helicopter had reached the forest, half of the trees had fallen on their backs and couldn’t get back up because they also did not mutate arms. All in all, the walking trees were corralled into a farm 25 miles away where they are being monitored by scientists. The farm owner is reportedly keeping a chainsaw on hand “just in case”.

The cause of the radiation was still not definitively known. Since no one became the new savior of Earth or the galaxy, it’s assumed that the radiation wasn’t some cosmic power choosing its new host. The energy signature does seem reminiscent of some alien weapons the Peace Force has come in contact with before, so the likely answer is this was a massive energy discharge from a starship thousands of light years from Earth. It’s even possible the radiation came from a battle that occurred thousands of years ago, assuming it didn’t travel through a wormhole.

By late afternoon, the All Clear was given by ATOM Labs and the White House, and residents were told to take off their lead-lined vests and helmets and to vacate their bomb shelters. Earth has dodged yet another cosmic bullet.

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